It took a minute for me to recall and replay the events of the last few minutes in my head.
Did I say something stupid? Did I do something wrong?
Ricky Sweeten is in my bathroom right now, with his pants unzipped and his sexy penis all...out in the open...and I'm in my room wishing that I could have set up a friggin' spy camera in there ahead of time. What am I doing? What am I thinking? What is he thinking??? It's times like these that I wish I had more experience with boys...or with love...or...with anything. Ugh! I'm SO confused!
I scanned my room to double check that nothing embarrassing was visible or out in the open. Seems ok. The only thing embarrassing in here is me. He's going to come back any second, and I'm going to have to come up with something else to say to him. What is it going to be? I should get off the topic of girls and stuff. I'm already half hard just hearing about him kissing girls and probably doing a little bit more in terms of making a sensual connection with them. I don't know how much more of that I can take without getting super stiff and poking him right in his sexy brown eyes with this thing!
Shit...I heard the door open, the toilet flushing, and the sink running. He's coming back. Geez, he was only gone for like forty seconds! I needed more time to get my act together! Too soon! WAY too soon!
"Alright. Sorry." He said as he came back into my room. Jesus...did he just get even more erotically handsome while he was gone? Because he seemed super hot in that moment as he came over to sit on my bed next to me. I'm trying to keep my composure, but it doesn't seem to be working very well.
"No problem." I said. I don't know why. Just felt a need to respond so I didn't look stupid.
"So...do your parents know?" Ricky said, jumping right in where we left off. Something that I didn't expect at all.
"About me being...gay?"
I nodded. And he asked me what that was like too. He seems awfully curious about this stuff today. "I don't know. It's kinda scary at first...having them know what I like, you know...sexually. Then things are just a little bit awkward for a while. And eventually...everything goes back to normal. I think they went through an extended period of denial for a month or two...and they seemed to be a little hesitant to spread the word to anybody else in the family. But I'm sort of glad that they didn't. Not everybody in my family is as open minded as my parents are. It's best that I tell them in my own time, you know? If I ever tell them at all, that is."
"Wow..." Ricky said softly. "That's crazy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you."
"It wasn't hard at all, actually. Not the 'telling' part. The hard part was the struggle to reach the part where I stopped making excuses for me to feel terrible about who I am. Eventually, you just run out of creative ways to keep kicking yourself for wanting love, you know?" I said.
"Totally. I guess I can understand that." He said, his big brown eyes making me weak inside as I took another long look at them. Dear sweet JESUS, that boy is cute! "If you like boys, then you just like boys. Period. Even if you learn to successfully hide it from the whole world, it doesn't make it any less true. So why bother with the deception, right?"
"Yeah..." I sighed. He was really paying attention to me. I mean, like...he was solely focused on me and every word that came out of my mouth. This is just the kind of boy that I've always dreamed about. The kind that I could just sit and talk to about something with some substance. Someone special who's willing to listen as well as willing to speak his mind. He's almost perfect. If anything, he's filling in some parts of my fantasy dream boy criteria that I didn't even have a precedent for before today. "This is a really cool conversation..." I don't think I meant to say that out loud. it just sort of spilled out of my mouth before I was able to break my stream of consciousness and put up some sort of filter.
Ricky giggled in the cutest way, his cheeks turning a little pink as he bashfully looked away from me. "Well, thank you. I'm glad that I was able to keep the afternoon 'stimulating' on my end of things."
"I'm sorry. That sounded weird, didn't it?"
"No. No way. I really enjoy having someone to talk to about this stuff. I never asked anybody about it before." Then Ricky peeked back over at me, and he said, "I hope I'm not being too invasive. I was just curious."
"It's ok. Trust me, I wish I had somebody to talk about this stuff when I was dealing with it for the first time. I think it might have made a big difference in my life. Or, well...my life so far, anyway."
"Really? How so?"
I shrugged. "I don't know...it means something to know that you're not alone. That you're not as abnormal as you feel." I told him. "At the risk of sounding like a teenage stereotype, I feel like I'm constantly looking for some kind of validation from the rest of the world. Just...something to let me know that I'm ok."
"I do it too, ya know?" Ricky said. "I worry about who I am...or what I'm doing. How I look." How he LOOKS??? Is he fucking serious??? "I guess, deep down, we're all just winging it. Even when it looks like everybody else has gotten themselves all figured out. I'm willing to bet that they feel just like we do." My heart began to speed up to the point where I was quivering and fighting to steady my breath. "Jamie? You alright?"
"Uh huh...I think so..." I said. Those sensual, inviting, eyes of his weren't making this any easier.
Ricky smiled, "Am I making you nervous?"
"Oh GOD, yes!!!" I said, a huge gust of wind blowing out of my lungs as my body sagged from the release. Then, I realized what I had just said as his eyes widened and I covered my mouth with both hands. "Oh man...oh no..."
"I'm sorry. Did I...like, do something, or...?" He asked.
"No! You really didn't..." Come up with something to say you idiot! Don't blow this! This was turning out to be the perfect afternoon, and you're going to fuck it all up. Think, think, think...
"Maybe...I mean, we can talk about something else if you want to." Awww, he really thinks he did something weird.
"It's ok. You're just...you can be a little intimidating. It's not your fault though. I swear."
"Intimidating? Hehehe, what, did you think I was coming over here to beat you up or something?" He grinned.
"It's not that type of intimidating." I said, but tried to slide the focus off of myself to, hopefully, steer into this icy curve and get this cool 'talk' of ours back on track. "You know, I think my friend, Silas, has a bit of a crush on you. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's convinced that you were the hottest boy at that party last night. Hehehe!" Yeah, I know. I sort of threw my best friend under the bus with that admission. But it's not like Silas wouldn't jump at the chance to have Ricky Sweeten find out that he thought he was hot. If anything, he'd probably be high fiving me right now for the mention.
"Did he? Ummm...ok, hehehe..." He blushed, those dimples getting deeper as his smile spread even further across his pretty face.
"Yeah. You definitely have a fan." I said. "I hope that doesn't creep you out or anything. Having another boy look at you...in that way."
"Doesn't bother me at all." Ricky replied. "I'm actually really flattered, to be honest."
"Sweet..." I said, now regretting the fact that I let Silas take all the credit for noticing that he was one of the cutest boys walking the Earth's surface right now. "You really are cute, though. If I do say so myself. I mean, I'm not pervving on you or anything, I just...I noticed."
Ricky was quiet for a moment, and even though I looked down at my feet after saying the words out loud, I could see him smiling at me out of the corner of my eye. He leaned forward a little bit, as if trying to catch my attention again, and I peeked back at him, giggling to myself for reasons that I couldn't explain. Oh man, my poor heart. It's seriously beating out of control right now!
"You know, I'm still kind of baffled that you haven't really gone out with anybody yet." He said. "I mean...you're cute, you're smart, you're funny..."
"Maybe I'm just missing that hidden X factor. Who knows?"
"Or...maybe you're just not effective at picking up on hints and clues." Ricky smiled at me, and I have to admit to being a little shell-shocked by what I had just heard. This isn't the first compliment that he's given me today. Or the second. Or even the third. Is this what a free coupon for a strawberry sundae gets me? Seriously?
What do I say? I feel like the ball's in my court now, and I don't know how to toss it back to him. "I dunno...maybe I am." That was it? That was my big comeback? Give me a chance to think. I was trying to hold back a giggle at the time. "Besides, you're one to talk. How does the hottest boy in town not have an army of girls trailing behind him everywhere he goes at all times?"
"So, I'm the hottest boy in town, now?" He asked.
"Well, I mean...that's what Silas said, so..."
"You said he thought I was the hottest boy at the party last night. I think you might have increased my range." He snickered, but he never took his eyes off of me. There's that feeling again. That jittery sensation that was taking my breath away and twisting my stomach into knots. I'm just imagining all of this, right? This moment hardly feels real to me. Like...at all.
"Does this mean that you're not gonna answer my question?" I said, trying to be sly enough to get him to stop thinking about my little Freudian slip there.
"I dunno. My last girlfriend was a bit...odd in her pacing, I guess." He said.
"Her pacing? I have no idea what that means."
"Well, it was like...sometimes she was really aggressive about wanting to spend time with me, and she wanted to make out and snuggle up close on the couch, and I felt like I was being pushed a little bit faster than I felt comfortable with." He said. "But then...there were a few times when I gave in...you know, hormones and all that. And I wanted to do stuff, but then she'd be like, 'Wait! That's not something that I'm ready for just yet. I just wanna watch TV together.' And I'd be so confused that I just gave up and let her run everything from then on. In the end, it's just not satisfying, you know? Not bein able to feel like you're a part of the relationship. You're just kinda sitting around waiting for her to tell you what to do and what not to do...it just got to be exhausting. I liked her a lot, but like I said, we broke up. I didn't want to be some puppet that she only used to satisfy herself and maybe show off in front of friends. I'm looking for something a bit cooler than that. Something that makes me happy too."
"You impress me, you know that?" I said. "I thought all straight boys were all about...hehehe...boobs and blowjobs. No matter the cost."
"Hahaha! I'd like to think that I was more the romantic type." Ricky said. "Besides, she thought the very idea of blowjobs was totally gross. So, I definitely didn't have that to look forward to."
I wrinkled my forehead. "GROSS? Blowjobs aren't gross. Blowjobs are awesome. Whether you're giving or receiving."
"Hehehe, really? You think so?"
"Of course! It's, like, the most sensual, most erotic, most erotic thing that you can do for somebody. There's this really sexy sense of control when you do it. And it's not like it tastes bad. It's really hard, and warm, and you get to see how the other boy you're with reacts to every movement of your tongue." I grinned. "And you get to experiment a little bit. Like, with his balls and stuff. It's probably one of my favorite things to do. I mean, I haven't done a whole lot...but that part is really awesome." I saw Ricky smiling at me again, his blush deepening, and I said, "I hope that's not too much information."
"I can honestly say that I've never heard anybody talk about a blowjob in that way before. It just caught me by surprise."
"Well, it's just...it gets me all hot and bothered when I think about it. And I sort of think about it all the time so..."
"All the time?" He giggled.
"Yeah! Seriously. All the time."
"So...ALL the time, then, huh?"
"All the time. Yes."
"Like now?" Ricky asked me, raising an eyebrow...and I froze.
Ok, that's it! Now, I'm all about wishful thinking and jumping to conclusions that favor whatever it is that I happen to be looking for in any given situation...but I'm not so dense that I can't see that Ricky Sweeten is actually saying these things to get some kind of reaction out of me! My only questions is...why? Like...is it a game? Is he serious? Is he just kind of stroking his own ego because he knows that I'm obviously infatuated with him to the point of being weak in both legs over having him sit next to me on my bed? I'm not a mind reader, but I really felt like I needed to figure out what the hell was going on here. It's ok if he's just being a tease for the sake of being a tease. It's actually kind of HOT that he would feel comfortable even doing that with the 'gay boy' across the street. But I didn't know how to just dive into this without looking like a creep. And I didn't know how to deflect and avoid going any further without it seeming like a total rejection. What am I supposed to do here?
Sighhh...screw it. I'm just going to go with it and see where it goes.
"Ummmm...Ricky?" I started, timid about looking him in the eye. "I don't want to sound, like...I mean, I really don't have a whole lot of practice with this sort of thing, so....don't hate me if I get this wrong, ok?"
"It's ok. Say whatever you need to say." He said, giving me his full attention again.
"Well, it's just...I mean, is this like...a flirtation type of thing going on here, or...?" I didn't know how to finish that sentence, so my voice just sort of trailed off.
"Oh..." He said. "Uhhh, I don't know. Does that seem, like...is that awkward for you?"
"For me? No. It's just...hehehe..."
"What? What is it?" He asked, a little shakiness in his voice.
"Well, it's just...it almost sounds like you wanna..." I stopped myself, searching his eyes to see if I was overstepping any boundaries or anything. I paused briefly, waiting to see if he'd interrupt me. But he just remained silent. So, I tried to laugh the whole thing off as I said, "...It sounded like you were suggesting that we...like, you and me...should 'hook up' or something. Silly, right?" I said. But...Ricky didn't laugh. His smile widened, but he didn't laugh. I peeked over at him a few times, giggling in an attempt to inspire a few nervous giggles of his own. But he didn't. "Ricky? Hehehe! This is the part where you're supposed to slug me in the arm and tell me that the whole thing is silly, right?"
Softly...Ricky said, "Oh. Did I miss my cue?"
"Your comedic timing sucks." I chuckled.
"I don't think it's so silly..." He said it so softly, mumbled under his breath as he ran his fingers through his dark brown hair, that I barely heard it. "There's nobody here, right? Just you and me."
"Wait...hold on..." I was trying to quickly shake the fog out of my head, and the intense PANIC out of my belly. "When I said 'hook up'...I was talking about...you know..."
"I know what 'hooking up' means. Hehehe!" He said. And there was this really uncomfortable silence that seemed to freeze time itself and flood the whole bedroom with an overwhelming thickness of tension and strained oxygen that nearly caused us both to pass out at once. What were we doing here? What were we saying? And who was going to have the guts to come out and say it first?
"Har dee har...very funny." I said. Still trying to use my denial as a shield to keep me from looking too gullible.
"Jamie..." He started. "...It's really cool to be around you like this. I didn't know much about you before, but today...like every minute of today has been crazy. I feel close to you. Before now, you were just some cute boy that I saw from a distance, but..."
"Ricky, hehehe! I know that you're joking! Ok?" I said, getting even more nervous as my feelings for him began to swirl around like a deadly tornado surrounding my heart. "I'm not falling for it. You're not even gay."
"I don't know what I am, if I have to be honest."
"If you were gay, I think you'd know. Trust me on this." I told him.
"Well...maybe I'm somewhere in the middle. Who knows?" He replied. "I mean, I think about it sometimes. Not with everybody. Just with certain boys that catch my eye. Sometimes...I'm just curious about...what it would feel like to be with one of them instead. That's not weird, is it?"
Omigod! Like...holy shit!!! "I....I don't think that's weird. I just...I thought you liked girls."
"I DO! But...I'm thinking that I kind of like guys too....sometimes." He said.
He shrugged. "Yeah. I guess it depends on the guy. Guys with intellect, and a sense of humor. Cute guys. Guys like you, Jamie." He said, and blushed even harder as he giggled to himself in a way that made me rock hard in an instant.
Jesus Christ! I need oxygen! I can't breathe! I can't...I can't even...
"Can you excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back..." I said, and I stood up, feeling my erection pressing tightly against the fabric of my jean shorts as I attempted to clumsily walk past Ricky without him catching sight of the obvious boner jutting out in front of me.
What is this? What is happening right now? How do I play into this???
Holy FUCK!!! I need a plan! And I need it NOW!!!