Tuesday - Ok...today was a total meltdown.
I don't know what it is, but it seems like God has these vicious moodswings every now and then. It's like he picks THIS particular day to totally hate you, and just make life miserable in every possible way. But then again, who knows? Maybe I deserve it. Maybe this has been coming for a while now.
I had a bit of a 'surprise' today that I wasn't really expecting. It kinda blindsided me, because it literally came out of nowhere. I was at my locker, trying to strighten up my top shelf a little bit so I could make room for my new History books, and from behind me, I hear, "How could you do it? How???"
So I turn around, and Jimmy is standing there, all red in the face, looking like he's getting ready to cry. Naturally, I have NO idea what he's talking about, but he looks really upset, so I'm trying hard to understand. I'm like, "Jimmy...dude, are you ok?"
And he's like, "NO, I'm not ok!" Then I realize that he's...angry at ME! Which seemed kinda confusing at first, because we hadn't even really spoken for a week or two while he was recovering after.....ohhhhhh. So he says, "You're going to the movies with him, Billy? The MOVIES??? How could you do that to me? Why are you even talking to him?"
I said, "Jimmy, I'm doing this to 'hurt' you. Lee is my friend. He asked me if I could hang out, and I just....kinda...said yes..."
Jimmy was like, "You said yes? You said yes after he totally used me and tossed me aside? What were you thinking?" To be honest, I didn't know what to think. I mean, I didn't really do it to hurt anybody or stab anybody in the back. But...I mean, it's not like the Lee and Jimmy situation was my FAULT or anything. If it was up to me, it never would have happened. I told Jimmy to slow down. I tried to make him 'think' before he just tried to seduce a straight boy into having sex with him multiple times. I even made Lee talk to him and try to straighten things out. Now I can't even talk to him anymore? How did I get to be the villain in a situation that had nothing to do with me in the first place?
I tried to explain to Jimmy that we were just friends, and that I wasn't trying to be a bastard about it. But he was really hurt. He couldn't believe that I was actually going to still be his friend. It was like, I was choosing Lee over him or something. I tried to tell him, "It's not like that. I just thought you needed some more time to yourself to feel better. That's all."
And that's when he said, "Well, Lee evidently doesn't think so. Because he sent me this stupid little smiley face message last night, asking me if I wanted to come with you guys and put everything behind us. As if I'd be happy to look at his jerk face ever again!" What? Lee invited Jimmy to hang out with us? What the hell did he go and do THAT for? Jimmy was all, "Let me just make this clear before you waste your time, Billy. If Lee is just gonna use you as bait to get me to forgive him and clear his own conscience, it's NOT gonna work! He made his choice, so let him live with it. *I* have to." I didn't get a chance to say much of anything, not that I had much to say anyway. So Jimmy just gets all teary eyed, and he says, "I really liked him, Billy. And I really liked you too. So imagine how it feels to have you two working against me. It's not fair. You're KILLING me!"
I couldn't even move. I just...kinda dropped my eyes and said, "I'm...sorry." I don't know what I did. I don't know what he was really accusing me of. But...you could just look at him and tell that he was really in pain, you know? So...what else could I do, but apologize?
He said, "Just stay out of it, ok?" And then he left.
Is that what this was all about? Lee being all friendly and wanting to hang out? Was he just using me to make up with Jimmy? No...why would he do that? Lee was just being cute. He couldn't HELP being cute. He was funny and being sweet and 'flirting' and everything. Why would he...no, I won't believe it. Jimmy must just have things backwards. Or....maybe I'm the one who's confused. Arrrgh! Like I needed to think about THIS right now!
THEN...get this...but SAM is pissed at me again! Of course, Sam could always be a bit of a crank case every now and then out of the blue...but this was pretty random. I saw him about two periods before lunch, and he asked me if I wanted to sit with him...AGAIN! I mean, why the fuck can't he just leave me alone about that? Why does he even CARE if Joanna and I get along or not? He wants to be friends again, fine! Great! Me and Sam are friends again! Poof! Just like that! Why does he have to include HER in every single aspect of his life? Why does she have to invade and corrupt everything like the 'weed' that she is?
Anyway, that's beside the point. I had plans to eat with my boyfriend today. I always have plans for me and Brandon to go somewhere quiet for lunch. It's one of the only times that we really get to talk to each other about...'gay' stuff. And 'love' stuff. And just...stuff in general. No kids in the hallway trying to listen in, no parents eavesdropping to hear who we're talking to on the phone, no searching for shadowy little corners to sneak a quick kiss before anybody sees us. If it were up to me, I'd search for an island somewhere so Brandon and I could be alone together all day long! I LOVE him, I wanna spend as much time with him as I can. I don't feel bad about that. But when I politely declined Sam's offer for lunch, he gets all mad at me. He didn't even know why I said no. He just put his hand up and was like, "Ok, you know what? Forget it. I don't know why I even asked."
And I'm like, "What's YOUR problem? I just can't come eat with you guys today. Jesus."
And he cuts me off and walks away from me. "If you don't wanna do something as simple as have lunch with your best friend, the fuck it. Don't bother." And he literally just left me there. I mean, what the fuck is UP with him these days? He's getting weirder and weirder everytime that I see him. Well....fine! Fuck it then! Like I'm gonna turn down some sweet time with the boy I love just to sit there and make small talk with him and his pet monkey of a bitch girlfriend for a half hour of my life! He can STAY mad at me if that's all it takes.
So Jimmy's mad at me, Sam's mad at me, Bobby didn't even TALK to me today, and he ditched gym class today, so I didn't get to find out what was up with that...and then...I came home.
Everytime that I get a break from worrying about this...it comes back worse than ever. And I'm almost ready to break down again.
Somehow, my mom was just in a really shitty mood tonight. She was making dinner, being really quiet, and I just tried to stay out of her way. Never mess with a mom on a bad day. You'll end up getting punished, big time, for something you did ten years ago. Anyway...the shit hit the fan when my dad called the house. I was the one who picked up the phone, and to be honest, I wasn't really thrilled to hear from him. There was something so incredibly 'fake' about having him ask me about school and homework and trying to find some level of conversation that would 'fit' the relationship we had now. He really ruined it when he said, "So, are the girls driving you crazy yet, or are you driving them crazy instead?" Ugh! Parents.
I gave him a polite chuckle, and said, "Do you wanna talk to Mom?" It felt really good to pass that phone over and get away from that awkward moment.
So, I go to my room for a few minutes, and everything seems normal. But then I hear my mom raising her voice on the phone, and it doesn't sound good at all. Normally, it's easy to just tune out their fighting and replace it with something else. I turned some music on, and shut my bedroom door tight, but the shouting seemed to come right through the door. My mom sounded like she was crying, and then I heard her slam the phone down and go back in the kitchen. Only seconds laer, I hear the sound of, like, dishes breaking! So I'm thinking that my mom got hurt or something, and I hury into the kitchen to see three broken plates and a glass on the floor, with her reaching for the broom in the closet. And she's....she's sniffling, but she's kinda trying not to do it in front of me. And it's obvious that she didn't just 'accidently' drop the plates. I kinda froze. I didn't know what to do exactly, so I kinda asked, "Are you....ok, Mom?" Mentally, all I could think about was the dishes and whether or not she cut herself...but I think she thought I was asking about her being alright in general.
Her eyes were so red, and her cheeks so puffy. She turned her back to me and started sweeping up the broken glass. "Don't come in here," She said. "I don't want you to cut yourself. You're in your sock feet." Her voice was trembling, and just seeing her so...so helpless...it scared me. This was my MOM! She can't be helpless. She just CAN'T be. I'm supposed to be the helpless one. If we're both helpless at the same time then...how are we supposed to make it? You know? All I could think abut was running away. I wanted to just put my shoes and coat on and just....leave. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see this. It was scaring me, and I didn't have any real experience in dealing with anything like this. But the phone rang again, and just as soon as she heard it, my mom started crying softly to herself again. She tried to hide it from me, but there was too much sniffling for her to really hold it back for very long. The phone kept ringing, and finally, I walked over to pick it up as my mom finished cleaning up the mess in the living room. It was my dad again. He's like, "Billy...what's wrong with your mother?"
I don't know why, but when I answered him, I noticed that MY voice was shaking. And I was starting to tear up, and I could barely hold the phone to my ear with my hand trembling so bad. I told him, "I don't know..." And I felt a tear slide down my cheek, as the emotion overwhelmed me all at once. Out of lack of anything else to say, I told him, "Some...some dishes got broken..."
And my dad sounded a bit...I don't know...'upset'. And he says, "Put your mother back on the phone!"
And I walked around the corner, where my mom ws bent over the sink, crying, and I say, "Mom...Dad wants to talk to you..."
And she yells at me, and says, "You tell him I don't want to talk to him! I don't EVER want to talk to him again!" At which point...I'm so terrified that I can barely breathe, much less speak.
But, as my crying gets worse, I'm forced to tell my dad, "She says...she says she doesn't wanna talk to you." Having to say that to my own father as a message passed from my own mother....it tore me apart inside. I got stuck right in the middle of this, and I had no way to get away from it.
My dad says, "Billy, please, just let me talk to her."
And I'm like, "She won't let me. She just...I mean..." I didn't know what to DO! I felt so STUPID for not knowing what the fuck to do!
My mom rushed past me, holding her face, and went into her bedroom to shut the door. And this time, I heard her really sobbing. Like...outloud. I had never actually heard my mom cry like that before. It was an unheard of concept in my world. Then, my dad says, "Billy....you're mom is going through a rough time right now, ok? Do you want to come over here for a while, until she feels better?"
And I cried, "I don't know!" I couldn't stop, but I couldn't leave my mom either. Not now. Not for 'him'. I said, "Why are you doing this?" And I hung up the phone before he had a chance to answer.
The thought of me running away from that house and just staying out in the streets for a few hours did run across my mind a thousand times, believe me. But....hearing my mom...crying from behind that door, all alone...I couldn't really find the courage to run anywhere. Not this time. So, even though it scared the living shit out of me to even be a part of this nightmare...I walked over and knocked lightly on her bedroom door. She didn't answer, but I slowly opened it anyway. And she was sitting on the edge of her bed with a box of kleenex beside her...still trying to hold it all in. I think I just kinda stood there for a moment, staring at the most heartbreaking sight I've ever seen in my 14 years on this planet. And then, with a little bit of courage, I took a few steps forward, and sat next to her on the bed.
I didn't say a word. There was nothing that I could say, really. I just...wrapped my arms around her, and put my head on her shoulder softly. Hoping that it would be enough to tell her that everything was going to be alright. After all the cookies she's baked, and skinned knees that she's mended...after all the mud tracked floors she had to clean, and the cough medicine she's spoonfed me when I was sick, and the windows she had to repair after I broke damn near all of them....it was the only thing I could do to really be there for her. And while, in my mind...that really fucking SUCKS as some form of payback...for her, at that moment, it seemed to be enough.
She held me tight, and just rocked back and forth as she kissed the top of my head, and I cried into her shoulder. I didn't want to say anything. I was afraid I'd ruin it by opening my big mouth. But I held on tight, and I shared some of her pain. Maybe only a little, but it was more than I usually take upon myself when it came to her. For once, it felt like she needed me just as much as I needed her. And that was both a frightening responsibility, and an incredible privallege. I can only hope that I'm doing this right. I can't afford to get it wrong this time.
I can't write anymore tonight. I'm going to bed. Later.