- My mom didn't say much to me this morning. She got up early and made breakfast so I'd have something in my stomach before going to work and pigging out on junk food during my lunch break, but she didn't eat anything, herself. In fact, she didn't even stay in the same room as me. I sat down at the table and she just left. Outside of good morning, we barely spoke at all. But you know what? I can't really say that I care. Maybe she's mad at me for what I said about Mr. Franks, but it's not like I was being dishonest. Dad's barely been gone for one Summer, and she's already looking to 'replace' him with some moustached freak that she randomly knows from work? Excuse me if that just sounds gross to me. Simply gross.
Besides, why can she have her 'boyfriend' over to the house and I can't? Hardly seems fair.
Anyway, interesting day at work today...
Starting with the fact that Ollie was greeting me with the biggest grin ever once I clocked in. I was like, "What? What's up with you?"
Ollie giggles to himself as Terrell walks up to give me a hug from behind to say hello, and I see Robin pricing a few products behind the counter. Ollie was like, "So...Jamie Cross, huh?"
What the??? I'm like, "Wait...what?"
Ollie was all like, "Yesterday, not long after you punched out for your shift, your unnaturally gorgeous friend with the shining blond mop came into the store looking for you. He asked if you were working, and once I gained my ability to speak in front of him...I told him that you had left for the day. So HE says...'Can you let Billy know that 'Jamie Cross' is looking for him?' And he mentioned something about a party coming up before you guys go back to school for the next semester." Then Ollie batted his lashes at me and said, "Who's Jamie Cross, Billy?"
I heard Terrell giggling to himself, and Robin glanced up at me briefly from his work to hear my answer. I'm like, "You already know who he is. He's somebody I know from school."
Ollie said, "Yeah, I know who he is. But who is he to you? That's the real question here."
I told him, "I don't know what you're talking about."
But he's like, "You realize that he's one of the hottest teen boys walking the face of the planet, right? I mean you had to have noticed that." I held back a grin and just refused to comment on that. So he's like, "Billy...babe...I'm totally going to revoke your 'homo license' if you lie to us about wanting to smash that! Don't you dare! Hehehe!"
Blushing, I said, "I noticed, yeah. But it's not like that. I swear."
He's like, "I KNEW it! There's no way in HELL that you could be a gay teen and not drool to the point of dehydration over a boy that fine. Do you have his number? Call him, dude!"
I'm like, "I have a boyfriend! Hehehe! That kinda thing is not allowed. No way. I'm a good boy."
Terrell stepped in and said, "Don't you go corrupting our Billy. He's a stand up guy. Pretty doesn't count for much when you're in love like he is. One boy is enough."
It seemed like a fun and playful exchange between friends at first, but after hearing what Terrell said, I noticed Robin's eyes dropping back down to his work. Then, before even finishing, he took whatever priced material he had so far and walked from behind the counter to put it out on the floor.
Almost with a pouty look of disgust on his face.
None of us were trying to make fun of him or get him to feel bad. AJ never even crossed my mind while we were talking. But he seemed slightly hurt anyway. Or, at least outcast from the conversation. But it's his own fault. What am I supposed to do about it.
Ollie joked, "Well, I applaud you for that, Billy. I really do. But if you ever decide to lose track of your moral compass...even if for a fifteen minute blowjob...HE would be the boy to do it with! Just sayin'!" My jaw dropped at the idea of him saying that out loud at the register, especially with one or two customers within earshot. I started to laugh, and Ollie was like, "What? It's true. There's just something about a super hot, extremely pretty face, that just makes you feel like his dick tastes better. That's all."
Terrell was like, "Ok...you need a break, Ollie? Is that it? Get your manners in order, buddy."
Ollie rolled his eyes, like, "Whatever."
But Terrell gently guided me away from the counter by putting an arm over my shoulder, looking back at Ollie to say, "One of these days, somebody's gonna put your perverted ass on a hashtag. You know that, right?"
He replied, "Bring it on! I'll 'trend' the fuck out of that hashtag too! Just spell my name right!"
We all make for a rather odd couple of freak show rejects. Hehehe, but Terrell was right about me being faithful. I'm never gonna cheat on my sweetheart ever again. I'm not even tempted, to be honest. Brandon is all the perfection that I could ever hope to handle, and I figure the least I could do would be to hold up my end of the bargain, right?
Still...I'm pretty curious as to why Jamie Cross keeps me in mind whenever he's looking to invite someone to a party. Just sayin'...I mean...it's kinda hot. Hehehe, I wonder if his dick does taste better? I imagine Jamie Cross tastes like those vanilla candy pixie stick bars.
Omigod, I can't believe I just wrote that in my diary. BAD Billy!
Ok...so I've only been home for ONE hour now, and my mom and I just...
This is so fucking STUPID!!!
I just had to add this to my entry before I go to bed. Because, at this rate, I almost want to walk out of this house and never come back. I'm dead serious about that.
So I'm eating dinner, my mom's still not really talking to me, so I'm not talking to her either. What am I supposed to do? BEG her to talk to me? I didn't even look at her sideways. I can hold out just as long as she can. I don't care.
She sees me ignoring her, and not giving her the benefit of seeing me stress out over her little silent treatment, so she starts in on me for NO reason whatsoever! She literally tells me, "You know what, young man...this attitude of yours? This is unacceptable."
I'm like, "What attitude?"
She gets all loud, like, "THIS attitude! This isn't going to fly with me. Not at all."
I'm like, "I didn't even say anything. What are you getting all upset about?"
She says, "You watch yourself. You hear me?"
Now I could have rolled my eyes and just left the table to go to my room and shut the door...but I didn't. She's got a temper with me now? Well, I've got a temper too!
I'm like, "WHAT are you so angry about???"
She said, "You need to remember your manners, Billy! We didn't bring you up to be a classless jerk. You're too old to be this selfish. You need to grow up."
What the FUCK is she even talking about??? All I did was sit down and eat dinner, and now she's attacking me! Not only that, but her voice starts shaking like she's getting all emotional on topof it all. That was SO not fair! So I stood my ground. I said, "Are you still complaining about Mr. Franks? Is that what this is all about?"
She says, "I'm warning you, Billy..."
But, fuck that! I'm like, "I don't LIKE him! I'm sorry, but I just don't! Why is he always hanging around this house? Why is he always trying to be all 'buddy-buddy' with me? Why is he taking you out to lunch, or sitting his ass on our couch when I come home from WORK???"
She says, "You're crossing the LINE! And that's none of your damn business!"
We went back and forth like, "None of my business? Are you KIDDING me???"
"I INVITED him into this house! You don't get a say in that!"
"You're such a hypocrite!"
"You watch your mouth!"
"You ARE!!! When I invite Brandon over here, you treat him like he's some kind of shady stranger, here to ROB the place!"
"You are crazy if you think I'm going to let you have random SEX under my roof when I'm not home! I set rules to keep things straight around here! And you may not like it, but you WILL abide by every rule I give you in this house, do you understand me?"
"If I wasn't GAY we wouldn't even be having this conversation! If I had a stupid girlfriend, you'd probably think it was adorable!" I shouted. "I didn't have any 'bans' on who I could have over when I was dating Joanna, did I?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Billy! That's not the same thing, and you know it!"
"Not the same thing? See??? You just said it! Why isn't it the same thing?" Then...I may have gone a bit too far. Lost in the heat of the moment, I screamed, "But it's ok for YOU to bring over whoever you want! Into our house, Mom! Into DAD'S house! So are you just gonna FORGET about him now? Because I'm not going there with you! Maybe you don't care about this family anymore, but I do!!!"
It was then that my mother suddenly shouted, "Your father LEFT US, Billy!!!"
I...I'm not really sure what happened between us at that moment...but the whole house fell dead silent after she screamed that. It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach. One that brought immediate tears to me eyes as I felt the impact of a statement that I never thought I would hear in my mother's voice.
It suddenly became hard for me to breathe. Why would she say that? How COULD she? When the first tear or two dripped from my surprised eyes, I saw her begin to mist up as well. The whole moment was paralyzed with shock and offense, and I don't think either one of us knew how to possibly move on from that one angry comment. It just...it grabbed a hold of us and nearly crushed the life out of our fragile spirits until the argument had nowhere else to go from there.
Oh God...I really couldn't believe that she said that...
A softer tone in her voice, she looked at me with sad and sympathetic eyes...and she came clean. She was like, "He walked out on us, Billy. And I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth. He cheated on me with somebody else, and he broke my heart." She sobbed quietly. She added, "He broke his promise, Billy. Not just to me, but to both of us. He left me with bills to pay, a son to raise on my own, and more broken stuff around this house than I can afford to fix without help. And...and Mr. Franks is the first person to come along and heal some of the damage your father left behind in me. He's the only thing that keeps me from collapsing in on myself. He makes me feel worthy of giving the life I was trying to build with your father a second chance. And maybe you don't like it, and maybe you don't understand it...but I've given my whole life over to you, Billy Chase. I always will. But I think it's extremely selfish of you to not at least understand why I wouldn't want to die alone...simply because your father decided to hit the 'reset' button and move on the moment things didn't go his way." With a sniffle and more tears rolling down her cheeks, she said, "Yeah...Mom's get hurt too. Maybe you'll try to remember that the next time you choose to think that everything revolves around you. It doesn't. And if you're ever going to grow into a decent man at all...you're going to have to realize that it matters when it comes to how you make other people feel. One day, you'll understand that you're not the only 'actor' on stage. You have to share the spotlight. And you have to look out for the people you care about. More importantly...the people who care so deeply about you. So throw all the mini tantrums that you want and sulk in a corner all by yourself for as long as you want...but life WILL move on without your approval. That's just the way it is." Just before walking out of the room, with me still standing there in stunned silence, she told me, "...Your father is a good man, Billy. One of the best I know. He's just not the man I thought he was. And that was my mistake...not yours."
I, honestly, just sat there at the dinner table with tears in my eyes, still floored by what my mom just said about him. Confused as to what I should even DO with this feeling right now! I just...I'm feeling something really sore and empty inside of my gut right now, and I'm not sure how to even express it. Should I break down and cry? Should I get pissed and punch a wall? Or...is she right?
It's that third one that hurt the most. I didn't even think I was ready to tackle any thoughts like that about my dad, but...should I?
I don't know. I'm just sitting all alone in my room right now, and I think my mom and I are done with any level of civil conversation for the rest of the night. That's probably for the best, as we just don't seem to be connecting at all right now. Things got a little heated back there, and maybe we should just stay out of each other's hair until things settle down.
I LOVE my mom! I really do. But there's something about this whole fiasco that bothers me beyond belief. And I just...I can't let it go. I wish I could look the other way and pretend not to care...but I don't think I can. Considering that she's in her bedroom right now with the door closed tight...I'm thinking that she's feeling the same way.
There's no way for us to both get what we want out of this argument. One of us is going to have to back down, eventually. And I'd be lying if I said I was big enough to be the one to make the sacrifice. I just don't know if I'm that guy. Not for something like this.
I need to stop writing. I'm driving myself crazy right now. Not to mention that this diary is almost finished already. Ugh! How do they fill up so fast? I can remember when it took me TWICE as long to put my thoughts down on paper, and finish one of these things. I guess I've been dealing with a lot more issues since then. Or at least issues that are a bit more complex than finding a place to jack off when I'm horny.
I mean...'growing up', right?
I'm having some trouble putting my thoughts into words right now. It's been a stressful evening. Trying to push everything that happened aside just to write the little bullshit that I have has been 'taxing', to say the least. Maybe I'll be a bit more articulate and less emotional tomorrow.
But for now...I'm just gonna end this here. I've got a lot to think about.