It looms over me, you know? That sense of dread. That feeling of panic, as I feel it getting ever closer to me. And to the boy I love.
With every passing second of the night...with every exasperated breath that I take when I gaze in to those bright green eyes of his and see him smile...I'm forced to wonder just how much time I have left on this ticking time bomb before I'm strong enough to prevent it from happening. What is it that I have to learn? What secrets am I hiding within? I don't even know what all of my abilities are at this point. They're all just as much of a surprise to me as they are to everyone else. How can I expect to use them to help me?
I sat up in our bed and slipped a t-shirt over my head. With all of the beauty and grace that Taryn could display during his peaceful slumber at my side...his body was extremely cold. I didn't like feeling him like that. Stiff and motionless...like a corpse. I preferred his warmth, his flexible arms and legs relaxing and wrapping themselves around me as he kissed me tenderly on my lips to wish me a good evening.
I looked back at him, and used my fingertips to gently brush his longish, reddish brown, locks out of his face...exposing the smoothness of his cheek. So very beautiful. It defied all description. I knew that I was in love the first time he spoke to me. It was like nothing that I had ever felt before. A smoldering fire in my heart that I was afraid to pay attention to fo fear that it would only let me down again. Adding to my list of lifelong rejections. It's not that I didn't want him with every fiber of my being, I just...I couldn't stand to be hurt anymore. I had no defenses left. My shell had grown weak cracking under the weight of a life that just didn't want me to be a part of it anymore. I wish I had a way of making Zero understand that from my point of view, but he'd probably just think I was being silly.
Heh...listen to me...talking about Zero as if he was still alive.
I wonder just how much of his spirit, his mind, his experience, I had absorbed in the short time that we had spent together on those two random occasions before I had to say goodbye to him for good. How much of his extra is a permanent part of me? And how much of his knowledge will I be able to access if I really go searching for it?
Normally, this would be a question that I would ask Doc about...but...
I don't think Doc really wants to talk to me right now. Or, at least that's what I tell myself to avoid the discomfort of making the first move to apologize for what I did to him. Being a 'mind thief' is, like...the worst thing you can be around here in the lot. If I wasn't so desperate, I probably wouldn't have done it. But, then again...is that ever really an excuse for crossing the line?
I must have been lost in a daydream full of questions and spiraling thoughts at that moment, because I didn't even realize that Taryn's body had loosened up until he stretched and yawned, and eventually opened his eyes to deliver me a smile that was like the equivalent to a warm salve to my wounded soul. "Hey there, Early Bird..." He moaned softly.
I leaned over to give him a lingering kiss on his tender lips, and smiled back at him. "It's about time you got up, Sleepy Head. I was starting to get bored over here. Hehehe!"
"You don't always have to wait for me, ya know? You can go outside if you want."
"Yeah, well...unfortunately, my sleep cycle is always so early and erratic that I never know if I'm going to open up that trailer door one day and flood this whole place with a blast of sunlight that I wasn't expecting to be out there." I said. "I guess that makes you my official alarm clock."
Taryn grinned, and then stretched again. His arms way above his head, his toes pointed downward, only his naked groin area half covered by the sheet he had draped over him. Hehehe, he looked too delicious for me to not reach down and rub my hand over it a few times. "Sorry." He blushed. "Evening wood, I guess."
"You don't hear me complaining, do you?" I said, as I kissed him again and tugged at the sheet to pull it all the way off of him and take a tight grip of his hardness as he slightly arched his back and whimpered softly from the contact. I still had on my t-shirt, but was still naked from the waist down, so I gladly laid down beside him and allowed our tongues to intertwine between our sucking lips, as the smooth skin of his thigh slid up over my hip and we began a sensual grind on one another. Rolling back and forth on the mattress. Sometimes with me on top, thrusting myself against him with a sensual rhythm...and sometimes with him on top, humping himself into me while I squeezed his soft, supple, ass cheeks with both hands. All the while feeling the slickened friction of his hardness rubbing up and down against mine.
We could have taken our time. This could have been an extended love making experience. But neither one of us lasted long. Maybe it was the idea of being back in the bed that started my whole journey into darkness...our very first shared virgin experience together...that made our bodily contact such an explosive reunion to the beginning of our eternal affection for one another.
Unable to hold back, I gripped his ample mounds tightly and thrust up into Taryn as he pushed down, and almost simultaneously...a torrent of warm fluids came bursting out of our pulsating shafts, leaving us trembling and breathless, as the involuntary splashes covered us both with the sweetened blessings of two teenagers in love. It's an orgasmic high that lasts for much longer than the orgasm itself. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Taryn collapsed on top of me for a moment, breathing hard while occasionally kissing my cheek, or sucking gently at my earlobe...and I ran my hands, palms down, from his shoulder blades, down over the sexy curves of his beautiful ass...and back again. It took a minute or two of silence before we could fully catch our breaths. And then Taryn propped himself up on his elbows and let his hair playfully dangle in my face for a few seconds, causing me to giggle out loud.
"Hehehe! What the...? What are you doing? Stop that!" I said.
Then he rubbed his nose against mine, gave me a brief kiss on the lips, and he said, "I love you, Justin."
"Love you too..." I sighed. But as I felt a ball of emotion getting caught in the back of my throat, I deflected it by grinning, "It looks like we're gonna need another shower now, huh?"
"Hehehe, yeah. Prolly."
"Same old church basement? They're water's not hot enough to really enjoy it like we were not long ago."
"Look at you, getting all spoiled. Pardon me, Mr. 'Chosen One'!" He said.
"I'm just sayin'...we've had better." I teased. "But...as long as I'm there with you...I doubt I could ask for anything more."
"Nice save." Taryn smirked. "Don't go doggin' our resources around here. It's all we've got. Besides, we've never had a vampire prophet stay with us before. So excuse us if we're a little bit new to this whole thing."
"We could have had a hot shower tonight. Warm towels. Fluffy slippers. Cable TV..."
"Hehehe, STOP!" He said. "All I need is you. Just you."
"Good thing you got me then." I told him, and we began to passionately make out again, even with the cooling puddles of erotic seed sliding around between us.
I never thought that I'd live to see a time when every day that I woke up and got out of bed...I could have the hope that it was going to be a really good day...
"Don't go o the showers without me, k? Let's just...ummm, clean up for a little bit first, and then we can go together." Taryn said, now rolling off of me. He got a dirty shirt and wiped his belly off, and then tossed it to me to do the same. Hehehe so I guess we'll just stay mildly sticky for a little while then, huh? "Sorry. I promised Rain that we would talk for a little while tonight. Which could be a while. I guess she's got a lot of built up stuff on her mind since we've been gone. She doesn't like be vulnerable in front of the others, so we've gotta go back to our private little spot way in the back of the lot. You don't mind, do you?"
"Oh. No. It's ok. I totally get it. It's fine." I said, as Taryn covered up more and more of that naked grace with clothing fabric that only seemed to get in the way of the stunning beauty that he truly was underneath.
"Cool. NOT that you and I can't hang out later too, it's just...when it comes to Rain, it's either this, or..."
"...Or her doing something unfathomably AWFUL to herself! Yeah, I know."
Taryn gave me another grin, and he gave me a kiss. "Ok. I'll come find you when I'm ready." Then he tried to fix his hair and his clothes a bit more. "Do I look like I just had sex?"
"I don't know. Do you want to?" I snickered.
"Stop being cute! You're gonna make me hard again!" He said. "M'kay! Seeya soon! Promise!"
And with that he walked to the trailer door and opened it up to step outside. He blew me another kiss before closing it back, and...honestly, there was a part of me that was contemplating the idea of me staying inside until Taryn was ready to walk out to the church to get cleaned up...but that was just another excuse, wasn't it? The more I tried to find reasons to run away from facing everybody else at the lot, the more guilty I felt about what I had done to them. About the burden and the misery that I had brought to their door since I first became a part of their tight knit family.
I wanted sooooo badly to feel as if I belonged. As if I had finally found my home. But I'm just stuck in the same loop that I've always been stuck in. Find something good, completely ruin it, get rejected and picked on, run away from it...repeat.
I don't know how to get out of this circle. It always brings me right back to the beginning. Every path leads to tragedy and despair. Abuse and neglect. Hatred and ridicule. When will I ever find a circle that will be worth the pain of the journey that it took me to find it...just like Zero said?
I should go outside. Even if I just...get dressed, walk out that trailer door, and go sit by myself somewhere where nobody will bother me, and I won't bother them. At least they can get used to seeing my stupid face again. After a while things will get back to normal, right? I mean, to be honest...i'd probably hide from them if I wasn't aware of the fact that I'd be totally transparent in my acts to actually hide from them. I think that might come off as even more lame than me just going out there and giving any one of them the opportunity to spit in my face if they felt the need too, right?
Yeah...I'm...I'm going outside. It's not like they don't know that I'm in here. Let's just see what happens.
Imagine my surprise when I finished getting dressed and stepped outside, only to see Gyro out there with a little rake and a plastic bag, grumbling to himself angrily as he tried to get all of the loose metal pieces and car junk swept up from the center of the lot. Hehehe! The pout covering his usually 'party boy' expression was beyond adorable, as was the dust being kicked up by his frustration for having to do it instead of going out and partying like he usually does every night.
"Working hard, I see?" I smiled, but he gave me a bratty glare.
"I dunno why we have to do this stuff all the time. It's just a dirty old junkyard. Bryson acts like we've gotta clean it up as if company was coming over." He mumbled.
"Hehehe, you'll be alright, kiddo. It's good for building character." I said.
"Easy for you to say. You and Taryn have been on vacation some place!" He stuck out his bottom lip. "And don't call me kiddo! I'm older than you, by...like...at least a year!"
Giggling, I said, "Ok, ok. My bad. Geez. You're cranky when you've got to do chores."
"Whatever..." He said, sulking, but still trying to hurry up so he could get out into the Chicago nightlife and leave his role of 'trash duty behind him.
I noticed that Doc was awake, and was trying to fire up his makeshift laptop for the evening. There was a brief hesitation on my part, but I did eventually take a few steps in his direction. I just wanted a chance to plead my case to him, you know? I was sort of hoping that his 'ever-happy' appeal and his need to evade all forms of confrontational contact with the rest of us would at least keep him around long enough to listen and maybe accept my apology. But...as I approached, he saw me and began to spin his wheelchair around to get away from me.
"Doc?" I said. "Doc, wait..."
"I'll be right back, Justin." He said, without looking back at me. "I've just got to...finish some stuff off really quick..."
"Doc? Please?" I said, hurrying behind him. "It'll just take...a minute. Or...maybe some more? Maybe? I don''t know."
He stopped rolling forward, but he didn't turn around. It looked like he lowered his head slightly, as if in surrender to my needs instead of his own. "Go ahead." He said. "I don't have a lot of time though, so..."
Interrupting him, I said, "What I did was wrong. Ok? I never should have...stolen information out of your mind like that before I left. I was...I was being an asshole."
"It's fine, Justin. You did what you thought you had to do. I that can resp..."
"NO!" I demanded. "You don't have to respect that! I fucked up, ok? I did something terrible, and I don't expect you to put on a fake smile for me and pretend like that was ok. What I did was not ok!"
I heard Doc sniffle a little bit, and after a brief pause, he turned his chair around to face me. Taking his glasses off to wipe his eyes before putting them back on. "I was only trying to keep you safe, Justin. You know that, right?" Then he added, "You didn't have to do that to me."
"You're right. You're totally right. And I'll never ever do that to you or nyone else ever again. Not here. Not anywhere. You have my word on that." I said. "You're my family, Doc. And family doesn't take advantage of one another. Not the way that I did it. I'm sorry."
"Heh...don't lay it on so thick. You kids are so emotional these days..." He said. But when I knelt down to look him in his eyes...two streams of tears rolled down his cheeks from underneath the fogged up lenses of his glasses. "Thank you..." He said. And I leaned in to hug him tightly around his shoulders.
I know that Doc hides his emotions...probably more than any of us except for Dion. And he has an extra that was especially designed for that sole purpose. But...I remember what it's like to hide all the time. To pretend that everything is ok for the sake of making everybody else comfortable. It makes for a nice and positive environment around you...but it's an exhausting illusion to maintain for any length of time. Doc deserved better than that. He was more than just a few giggles and a glimpse of sunshine in the darkness. Doc was my friend. My teacher. More than that...he was my brother. And as I felt his arms wrap themselves around me, his head resting on my shoulder...I felt him unwind and let go for a few moments. Just a few. Where he didn't have to put on a happy face for me or for anyone else. It was like...I gave him permission to 'feel' for a few fleeting moments...and he was happy to take them. So happy.
"I owe you so much, Doc. Everything I know about...all of this darkness...it's because of you."
"Ok. Let go now. The others are gonna start spying on us." He said, wiping his eyes again, and rolling back from me in his wheelchair. "You just...make sure that you do great things, and that you remember me when the time comes to tell the world where you came from. Cool?"
"Cool." I said. "Can I make you a prophet? Or, like...a saint? Hehehe, I don't know if I have a right to do that or not. Maybe it'll be in a new scripture somewhere. Doc...the boy with magnificent heart. The patron saint of giant penises and jolly rancher candies!"
Hahaha! What the...???" He said, warming my heart from the inside out just to hear him laugh out loud like that. I think it was the most genuine laugh that I've heard from him since I've been here at the lot. "How the hell did Taryn pick someone so GOOFY to spend the rest of eternity with?"
At that moment, Doc's laptop began to beep a few times, and his concentration was distracted for a moment. He looked down, and clicked a few buttons, I guess, to check out a private message that was being sent to him at that moment. I felt a bit misty eyed myself at the moment and got back up to my feet, brushing a little bit of dust off of my knees. But when I saw Doc's reaction, I became a little bit concerned. "What is it? What's wrong?" I asked.
"Ummmm...." Doc suddenly looked back over his right shoulder, and then his left, to see if anybody was listening. Then, in a very hushed voice, he said, "I got a message from, ummm....the bank."
"Wha...? The bank? What's the bank?"
"You KNOW...the...the bank!" He whispered. He could see that I was still confused. So, in an even softer whisper...Doc said, "It's from Jeremy..."
"Oh..." I replied. Then I thought about it, and I said, "OH! Omigod...is there anything wrong???"
But Doc was quick to shush me, looking all around again. "No! He said that, ummm...'your package is arriving early tonight. Three hours, tops.'"
Wait...does that mean what I think it means? Three hours? TOPS? Holy shit...that was fast!