Sunday - Ok, so what do I really do with this...'feeling' right now? Huh? Because it's not going away, and it doesn't really serve a purpose of any kind, so it's just kinda sitting in my gut like a lump of wet cement. I mean, what the hell am I DOING here?
I guess it's easy to figure out that I had my little 'talk' with Brandon on the phone today. I think I should be happy about it...but I'm not really. So you would think that means that it was bad news...but it wasn't really. But...like...it wasn't GOOD news, by any means. Hell, maybe it wasn't 'news' at all. Just...more confusion.
I practically banned my mother from using the phone today! Not once! I told her repeatedly that I had an EXTREMELY important phone call coming in today, and that I NEEDED the phone to be free! I even had to race her to the phone when Gramma called, looked at the caller ID, and told my mom that she'd just have to call her back later. I'm not gonna let some random girl talk turn into an hour long conversation that robs me of my chance to talk with the cutest boy alive! Are you CRAZY???
So FINALLY...after what seems like a damn eternity of waiting for Brandon to call me...I hear the phone ring, and see his dad's name on the caller ID. I had to literally close my eyes, and take a deep breath before I even picked up the phone. I was kinda...I dunno...SCARED, you know? I just...I didn't know what to expect from all of this. I just wanted to be done with this stupid nightmare of us being apart so we could go back to being a happy couple again.
Pleeeeeease, Brandon! I know I've been stupid and selfish and I'm SORRY! I've been a liar, and a punk, and a cheat, and a LAME boyfriend! But if you can just give me ONE more chance...just ONE...I'll be a better boyfriend to you than you could ever IMAGINE! I'll cut my own ARM off before I sleep with another boy, I swear! I SWEAR!
At least...that's what I was thinking when Brandon and I started talking.
God, his voice was SOOOO cute today! I had forgotten how 'wiggly' he makes me inside with just the soft sound of his voice alone. Nobody else can do that for me. Not so effortlessly.
He talked for a short while. I guess building up to what this was all about. I was too afraid to ask him. I almost wanted to put it off for as long as I could. The whole two or three minutes that we made 'small talk', I had these terrifying thoughts of Brandon and Steve 'doing it' somewhere private...and him using this phone call to finally say goodbye to me for good. The idea of the two of them all naked and twisted up together somewhere, having him kiss those lips, and stroke that skin, that was made to fit me so perfectly...it was heartbreaking. I could feel my heart trembling with the threat of it. Like being in the path of a runaway train with your foot caught in between the tracks.
Then, Brandon's like, "So...Billy..I kinda wanted to call you today and just...'talk' about stuff. Is that cool? I mean, if it's not..."
And I'm like, "No, it's cool. Really." I didn't want to hear it. Or...or maybe I did. Maybe it's good. Maybe he wants to take me back. Then again...maybe it's just 'over'. Arrrgh! I was so lost as to what to do, so I just said, "So...what's up?" Trying not to let my shaky voice give away how scared I was.
He's like, "Well, you know...I went on my date with Stevie last night."
And I'm like, "Oh, was that last night? I totally forgot."
Which made Brandon snicker a bit. "Shut up, Billy. You KNOW you didn't just 'forget' about it. I know you better than that." I had to confess. What else could I do, he caught me red handed. He said, "I figured you might be spazzing out over things...I just wanted to call and make sure that you were ok with all this."
I still didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. So I told him, "I don't know. I guess so."
There was a pause, and he says, "The LAST thing I want to do is hurt you, Billy. I really really mean that. Just...it bothered me to think that you might be stressed out over me and Stevie dating."
I could have lied. I could have stayed undercover and gone back to trying to sit at the lunch table with them while they grin and giggle at each other, getting more emotionally attached by the day. But...instead, I ended up making some last ditch attempt at stopping this before it even got started. I said, "Maybe...a little." But I didn't stop there. I couldn't. The emotion was pushing soooo hard at the back of my throat, and I felt like I would choke on it if I held it in for much longer. I said, "I MISS you Brandon. I don't understand why you don't get that. I miss everything about you. Everything in my life feels 'empty' without you here, and I just...sighhh...I'm jealous that you're giving your love to somebody else. I feel so...alone."
He sounded sad, but he was still like, "Billy...I miss you too. Don't you think I miss you?"
I said, "So why are we playing this stupid GAME then? Why can't we just put that garbage behind us and fix what's broken already."
He told me, "There's nothing 'broken', Billy. I love you. I fell in love with you the first time you spoke to me in the library. But it wasn't enough for you. I don't think you've figured out what you want yet."
I was quick to tell him, "YES, I HAVE! It's YOU! It's so totally YOU, Brandon!"
And he says, "You THINK it's me because you can't have me. That's not the same thing. Billy, I don't want you to just WANT me. I want you to LOVE me. I want you to share something real with me where I don't have to compete with somebody else for your attention."
I pleaded with him, "Brandon, please...I'm SORRY about Bobby, ok? I'm SO sorry! I have changed so much since then. Nothing matters without you. I understand what you're saying, but...I mean Stevie? You can't tell me you're in love with him. Come on."
There was a slight pause again, and Brandon said, "Billy...Stevie is really sweet. He's got a big heart, we have a lot in common...he really is amazing. We had a really good time together last night. So we talked about things, and we decided..." He hesitated. He sighed. He even fidgeted a bit before he told me. "...We decided that we really like each other. And we're gonna be boyfriends. Officially."
My heart nearly froze solid and dropped into my stomach when he said that. Frustrated, I was like, "WHY???"
I guess I said it kinda mean...but...ugh! I don't understand! If he loves me so much, then why does he want to be with somebody else? That doesn't make any sense!
Brandon's like, "We talk, we laugh...Billy, he's a GOOD guy..."
And I said, "I don't CARE! What do you want to go be with him for? You're not even giving me a chance to prove that I can be better!"
But he's like, "I can't just keep getting hurt over and over again while you figure out what kind of boyfriend you wanna be. I have 'feelings' for him. He has feelings for me too. And we want to make it work. We want to be together." I swear, I could have cried. Seriously. Why is he so overwhelmed by this stupid rebound relationship thing? He said, "Billy...I care for you soooo much! Please don't be pissed at me. I want you in my life, I just...I have to be honest about where things are going with me and Stevie. I didn't want you to find out some other way. If that's gonna be hard for you to deal with, then...maybe we should spend some time apart."
That part was KILLING me! It really cut me deep to hear him say that to me, after all the heart and emotion that I had invested in him. In US. But...then again, after what I did, no amount of punishment ever seemed enough, did it? I said, almost crying now, "I don't want to spend time apart from you, Brandon."
His voice was really soft, and he said, "I don't wanna spend time apart from you either."
I'm like, "Then why are you HURTING me like this???"
Emotionally affected, Brandon was all, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even called today. I just wanted to make sure you were alright and to be honest with you about what happened. I figured...you'd wanna know." But I didn't answer him, which I think made him really sad too. He's like, "I love you too, Billy. Ok? I love you so much that it hurts. I'm not just saying that. I'm never gonna love anybody else the way that I love you. But right now, it's Stevie's turn to be that special person for me. I care a lot about him. And if you really love me, Billy...you'll stay away and just let us be happy, ok?" After a second or two, he added, "I know what you were doing at lunch on Friday. And you're not going to just 'trick' me into falling in love with you. I'm already in love with you. But this time...I've gotta use my head as well as my heart. And my head's telling me that Stevie is the better choice for me right now. I'm sorry. Ok?"
He's sorry. Yanks my heart out of my chest and tears it to pieces...and he's sorry. If what I did to him hurt this much..then I feel even lower than I already did before.
But, before he hung up, Brandon said, "I wish it was you, Billy. I really do" And then he's like, "We'll talk some more on Monday. K? I wanna see you." I didn't want to say anything, but then he's like, "Please?"
So I'm like, "Ok." But I have no idea what I agreed to. I still don't. And that was like 6 hours ago.
The thing is...when I look back at our conversation, Brandon pretty much told me that he loved me every five minutes. He loves me, he cares about me, he doesn't want to hurt me....I mean...is that a GOOD thing? It's a GOOD thing, right? He even says that he wishes it was me. And something about that makes me feel good, even with a cavity in my chest where my heart used to be. I don't know WHAT I'm feeling right now. Like I said...it's more confusion. Because if Brandon loves me so much than what the hell is Stevie even around for?
I need to work this out in my head, but to be honest, I don't even know where to begin. If I can see him tomorrow...maybe I can get a better of idea of whether or not I should just give up entirely. I mean...if he loves somebody else...what can I do but just...'accept' it?
Ok, I'm done.
- Billy (Lost...but still hoping!)