Tuesday - How long do I wait? I mean...how long until I can..well...until things begin to...
I've been staring at this damn piece of paper for I don't know HOW long now, trying to find the words to really describe my day. And I haven't really figured anything out yet. I'm gonna keep trying until I get it right though. I kinda need to 'talk', you know?
Anyway, so I've been laying on my bed, eating jellybeans until I'm almost sick of 'em. I ingested so many jellybeans in the last few hours that I must have this gigantic gelatinous lump of candy sitting on top of my mom's chicken dinner. Ugh, I'm such a pig sometimes. But...something about the act of eating sweet little balls of sugar covered chemicals made me 'feel' better. I don't know why, it just did. Weird.
So Lee and I went to the jellybean factory together after school, obviously, and it's like this store that carries jellybeans and very little else. You wouldn't think there would be enough flavors to fill up a whole building, but believe me...there are. I wonder if they have a testicle flavor? Like if it actually tastes like you're sucking on some hot boy's ball sack. Wow...I'd wait in line for that one.
Lee met me halfway, and when he got off the bus he was still in his school uniform. Sighhh...I know that Lee looks sexy in just about any combination of clothes that are lucky enough to be clinging to his slender body all day long, and I'm sure he's even HOTTER when he's not wearing any at all...but...there is something soooooo HOT about him when he's all dressed up in his little blazer and slacks that just...it's like WOW, you know? And his hair was all perfect, and he smelled really good, and he had this adorable smile that just...it was cool. Getting attention from him just made me feel really good today. Especially after...what I saw.
But I'll get to that later.
::Thinking Happy Thoughts::
Ok, so we're talking and shopping, and they have free samples of, like, everything before you buy. They charge by the pound, so you've just gotta fill your little plastic bag up with whatever you want I think I spent more time sneaking peeks at Lee's ass and trying to hide my severely tempted boner from him than I did shopping. I don't know how he does it, honestly. Everything he says or does is so insanely CUTE! And it's like...he doesn't even realize it. He's so adorable that it hurts, and the fact that he has absolutely NO ego about it whatsoever just...like...triples the effect.
It kinda got me to thinking.....you know...about 'stuff'.
I guess the big question I have is...what do I do with my heart...now that Brandon doesn't really seem to want it anymore? I mean...should I keep trying to win him back? Should I be patient like Joanna said, and maybe work my way back into having him trust me again? He still loves me right? But what if I'm just wasting my time? What if the only boy I ever truly loved is gone for good?
How long until I find out whether or not I should be looking for somebody else too?
I just starting thinking about that, and Lee was being such a phenomenal person today...I kinda had this tingly feeling in my gut that made me wonder if maybe I could take a shot at starting over. It's the first time it ever seriously crossed my mind...the concept of starting over. I didn't want to let go, I didn't even want to think about it. But now...I mean, what if I got as far with Lee as Jimmy did? Maybe even FURTHER! I remember when Lee told me about them having sex, and when I asked if he'd ever fool around with me (WOW...looking back, I CANNOT believe I asked him that!!!)...he said 'definitely'. Not 'yes', not 'maybe', not 'sure...if I had to'...he said DEFINITELY! And maybe it's just a bit of that hurtful itch that Jimmy was talking about...just wanting to feel good for a little while...but I seriously considered asking Lee if he wanted to hang out this weekend. Like...alone. JUST to see what happens!
I chickened out though. It felt wrong, first of all. I mean, Lee said he was straight. How far would we go before he got tired of having gay sex and found himself some pretty young girl to snatch him away from me? He doesn't even know I'm gay yet, and I'm thinking of approaching him for sex? Stupid. Second of all...what happens if I have sex with Lee this weekend, and Brandon decides he wants me back on Monday? I mean...did I technically 'cheat' on him? AGAIN?
I don't know, I was just kinda confused about the whole thing. Because that weird infatuation thing that I usually have for Lee was just...on steroids today. And I just didn't know if I was being a total bastard by enjoying it. Or even ACCEPTING it into my heart, for that matter!
Bottom line...in the sad event that Stevie becomes Brandon's number one guy from now on...Lee would probably be my next choice.
Well...Jamie Cross FIRST...but..that's, you know...impossible.
I hate talking like this.
Sooo....today, Sam and Joanna were getting really comfy and cozy again, and I just didn't want to be the same pouty, whiny, nuisance to them that I was yesterday. So I kinda figured that I'd just say hello really quick and...I don't know...'go somewhere'. It's weird, but I never know whether I want to be with somebody so I can talk things out, or if I just wanna be alone. And even when I do figure it out, it doesn't last long, and I find myself swinging back in the other direction as soon as I find the company or the solitude I'm looking for.
So I left the school, and figured I'd take a walk down to the convenience store a few blocks away. I did skip lunch after all. I was at LEAST need a candy bar or something in my stomach to tide me over until school was out. The walk took me right by the high school football field, you know? And I wasn't really paying much attention to much of anything at first...but I could have sworn that I heard Brandon's laugh. He has this really cute laugh. Like...I could pick it out of a crowd without even trying. And that's when I saw Brandon and Stevie walking out from....from...
...Under the outdoor bleachers.
It felt like my stomach had just been sliced open with a rusted razor, and a handful of salt was rubbed into the wound. My heart couldn't take it. It broke so hard and so fast that I could hardly BREATHE! Brandon's hair was a little messy, and he had this really sweet blush in his cheeks as they walked out together...and Stevie was giggling, trying to fix his tight emo shirt and flick his hair back out of his eyes. They were so...'happy'.
And where was I in all this?
That's right, I ran and hid behind a UPS truck while I watched them start the walk back to school. Practically hand in hand. I just remember moving around the truck, little by little so they wouldn't see me as they came around. I remember being terrified that Brandon would see me and, like..I dunno, try to explain or something. Or sympathize Or just...sighh...I don't know. I just couldn't bear to let him see me. Not now.
I saw Stevie laughing, and he hopped up on Brandon's back for a piggyback ride, and they both fell over in a fit of giggles. Brandon was like, "What are you doing??? Hehehe!"
And Stevie said, "God, you're so CLUMSY!"
And Brandon says, "You're supposed to WARN me before you do that!" And the more they laughed, the harder it was to hold my tears back. I just kinda...slid down to the ground...put my head on my knees...and struggled to breathe as my eyes watered up. I didn't even care if someone saw me at this point. I think my spirit just gave up and let the tears run free. Any mask of normality was shattered the second they got off the ground and looked into each other's eyes for a moment with a smile. Then they crossed the street together...and I was left to cry all alone.
I couldn't stop on my own. The only reason I found the strength to stand at all was because the UPS man came back and wondered why some stupid blond kid was crying by his truck. He asked if I was ok...and I just nodded and left. Just...left.
God...I thought that I had dealt with the worst part of this pain...but I don't think I'm even close to knowing the extent of it yet. And the bad part is...I don't know how much more I can take before my heart just gives out completely. Who knows....maybe it'll be better if it just stopped beating altogether.
So....that's why I really needed Lee to cheer me up today. That's why his smile was so welcome. I don't know what I would have done if I had to just suffer all alone.
Kinda like I am now....
Sighhh...here I go again. I should just keep the box of tissue in my room for tonight. I'm tired of going out into the living room. My mom's gonna think I'm some kinda psycho.
I'm gonna go. Bye.