Tuesday - Ok....this morning, I thought today was going to be a really fucked up day. I did. Everything seemed to be building up to this great disasterous failure that I'd be regretting for the rest of my life. But...just as the dark clouds rolled in and life seemed dismal and bleak...Brandon made it all better. And for the first time in like...'ever'...I feel complete.
I'll definitely give you the play by play on what happened on that in a little bit, but first....let me get the little stuff out of the way.
Well...it wasn't 'little stuff' this morning, but I find it hard to be mad about much of anything right now. Anyway, the bad news is...it looks like the rumor about Sam and Joanna working things out and possibly getting back together...sighhhhh....is true. I finally got the chance to talk to him today outside of the cafeteria. It wasn't for long, because Brandon and I were ditching right after the lunch bell rang, but I HAD to know for sure. To be honest, he was really happy about the idea of it, and that just.....I dunno....it hurt, you know? It's like...my last bit of hope that was left behind for him being gay or actually being...'mine'....was gone. Joanna snatched away my dream boy. What was I gonna do? MAKE him love me? It doesn't work like that. And it's not even a matter of me really chasing him or being head over heels for him like I used to be. I just....I always kinda held him up as being the epitome of the perfect boyfriend for so long that I didn't know how to exist without him being at the top of my most wanted list. In a way, he had been a 'substitute' boyfriend since I first started having feelings for other boys. I guess I just used him to take the place of what I could have if I wasn't too scared to take the risk for something more. With someone else. He was like....my perfect role model for how me and my boyfriend would be if I were ever to find one. He was my poster boy. And she STOLE him away from me! It's like.....ugh, whatever. I guess....if that's what he wants...some dumb old 'girl' slobbering all over him...then I guess I'll just have to let go.
I never wanted to let him go.
Anyway, he was all like, "We talked, and I just realized how much I really missed her, Billy. We are so good together. She's so beautiful, I think about her all the time. I can't believe that she wanted to get back together, dude!" He was being so excited and stupid about it. What's so damn special about her? Can she possibly kiss that much better than me? Can she understand him like I can? Can she even speak the same language? Sorry, I should be happy for him. I know. But I'm just not. I'll never forget the dreamy smile on his face, and the glimmer of his blond hair in the sunlight coming in from the window, as he said, "Dude....I think I'm in love. Seriously."
Love. You hear that? 'Looovvve'. Damn...why does that suck so much?
I told him, "Oh...well, that's cool, man. I hope it works out for you guys this time." What was I gonna say? I hope she gets ripped apart by killer crocs in the Amazon?
He was all like, "Do you really mean it? Dude, I know it's weird and all, talking to you about her but....ugh, I've gotta take another shot at this! I wanna be better. I'll make it right this time."
It was hard to not let my eyes droop. "Sure. I understand."
And he's like, "Are you sure? You know, this isn't going to change anything between you and me. You're still my best friend. Always will be."
"Yeah. Yeah, I know." I lied under my breath. Whatever, I can live with that. He's in love...does it even matter what I think at this point?
Anyway, despite his happy grin, I couldn't really stand around and listen to him talk about his supposed good fortune. It just ached inside. The idea of someone else kissing really just covered my heart in this thick syrup of misery, and I just didn't wanna deal with it at that moment. I guess I had him wrong all along. I never had a chance. Not a day in my life. I was not only going to have to say goodbye to a long standing dream of mine....but I was gonna have to pass the torch over to someone that I was quickly learning to despise for all that she is and all that she represents.
Sighhh...whatever. I'm not supposed to be sad today, right? I'm supposed to be happy. Blissfully so! So....let me just stop talking about that possible rewind on Sam and Joanna's hook up, and put my mind towards other things. Happier things.
Ok, so...lunchtime came around, and I was about ten minutes late meeting Brandon due to the time I spent with Sam. I was in a bit of a sore mood when I finally did meet up with him, and he must have noticed the look on my face, because Brandon asked me what was wrong. I had to make sure that none of that extra emotion was spilling over onto our afternon 'date', you know? So I kinda swallowed it all down and pretended it didn't matter. Trut me, swallowing an entire sack of bricks would be easier. But...when I saw him, and he brushed some of my hair back with two of his fingers...I knew that I was ready to go.
Hehehe, you know, there was never anything strange about me and Brandon walking out of school at lunch to get something to eat, but there's something dangerous in knowing that you're not coming back. What was once a very easy and normal activity, had now become a mission that required sneaking quickly to our lockers and peeking around corners for security. By the time we had made it outside we were giggling like crazy. Naturally, I hadn't forgotten about Sam and Joanna, but it felt good to laugh through that misery.
I was rock hard every step of the way from the school to his house. I could barely walk up to his front door without twisting my legs together to hide it. And I think he was hard too, because he was in a big hurry to get to the door and get inside before anybody saw us. I just remember how funny it was to see him fumbling with the keys at the door. We were laughing as he tried to turn the top lock and I was slapping him on the shoulder to get him to hurry up. Then he finally got us inside and did a quick check of the house to make sure that we were as 'alone' as we needed to be. I was kinda standing in the center of the living room, in the middle of this 'silence'...and I could feel myself quaking at the thought of actually getting the piece of Brandon that I always wanted. He was looking in all the rooms and stuff, and I just...stood there. My body was so confused. I didn't know wether to smile or remain calm. To move around or stay perfectly still. I didn't want to sit down, but standing there was difficult when I was so weak in the knees. I put my hands in my pockets for a second, and then took them out because they were getting hot in there. And then I put them back in again without even knowing. It was like...I couldn't WAIT for him to get back so he could help me figure out what to do with myself.
But...as I was kinda waiting that little eternity for him to come back to me...I just let my mind wander back to the first day that I noticed him. I thought about how 'pretty' he's always been to me, and how I used to stare at him all those quiet days in the library...sooooo scared to really talk to him. I just drowned myself in the memories of the many times that I melted into those big hazel eyes and imagined my fingers running through his soft brown hair. I never thought I would be here. I never thought he would love me, like me, or even talk to me outside of a shy hello in the hallway. He was too sweet for me to ever consider, you know? He was way out of my league. But here I am...standing in his living room, trembling while I wait for my first opportunity to see him completely naked for the first time. It made me wonder why I spent all of that time chasing Simon, and Sam, and Jaime Cross, and every other boy I've ever been interested in. That moment made all of those others seem like such a waste of time. A fun persuit, sure...but a waste, nonetheless. Brandon was the real thing all along. He has been since I wrote my very first page in this journal. And I never knew it. Geez, life can be so strange sometimes.
Anyway, he came back into the room with a huge smile on his face, and moved towards me to lovingly wrap his arms around my waist. He kissed me on the lips, and I couldn't help but scream inside my head, "Omigod!!! THIS IS IT!!!"
"We're alone. Totally alone." He smiled, and he kissed me again, before releasing me and taking a soft hold of my hand. He actually held my hand all the way to his bedroom, and I blushed soooo hard. I couldn't even look him in the eye. It was like...too much for me to handle. My emotions were overflowing and my heart was ready to burst. By the time we were standing in his room, we were both giggling from the excitement of it all. He closed the door, but not all the way. He left it open a crack, and said, "Just in case. We'll be able to hear if anybody comes in." And I just nodded.
So...there we were, and I'll be totally honest...it felt like my first time all over again. We both were alone, and 'ready', and standing in the room together away from any judging eyes. But we couldn't really....'start', you know? I mean, he looked at me, and I looked at him, and we kinda looked away from each other. Then he looked at me again, and I looked at him, and we laughed a little bit from being so nervous. It felt so silly, but it was AWESOME! I was kinda scared to be the first one to move towards him, or to take off my clothes or anything. I couldn't really remember how to go from being in a safe place with a cute boy, and actually getting to the sex part. With Bobby Jinette it just kinda happened by accident, and we were already rolling around and kissing by the time I had a chance to figure out what I was doing. And when I was with AJ, he was always so...agressive. Like, he'd be on me in a second and he would just take the lead until his tongue was in my mouth and he was stripping my clothes off without me having to do much of anything. So this was a bit different.
After a few minutes of being weird around each other, I had almost gathered up the courage to take the first step forward, but he walked past me to sit on the bed instead. I let out this deep breath and was glad that we at least got past staring at each other from across the room. I sat down next to him, and we smiled at each other. I said, "This is cool."
And he said, "Uh huh..." Under his breath. Then he kinda scooted closer to me a bit, and I scooted the rest of the way over until our legs were touching. Hehehe, it made him giggle, and I love his laugh sooo much. He was even prettier when he laughed. I saw him look down at my lap, which was sticking way out and was a bit embarassing. I'm not quite sure why. But looking at his beautiful eyes and those long lashes...I couldn't help myself any longer. So I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. And that was pretty much what started everything off.
We started kissing on the lips, then we started frenching one another, and then we laid back on his bed and started rolling around. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to be so free with him today. I know that I was scared to go too fast with anything, but just knowing that we had the chance to do whatever we wanted to was enough to send me into orbit. I can still remember how hard my heart was beating when I saw him take his shirt off. His chest is sooooo smooth! And he has the cutest nipples that I've EVER seen before! I wish I had a picture of them, but believe me, they were incredible. And I never would have thought that Brandon would be the kind of boy to have a sixpack stomach, but when he took his shirt off, you could see a little hint of one whenever his tummy flexed. It was this almost perfect pattern of muscle around his cute litle navel, and you would only see it when he flexed or stretched a little bit. Otherwise, his stomach looked totally smooth and flat. Damn, it was hot! I yanked my shirt right afterwards, and we started kissing again. Holding his bare skin against me was orgasmic. His shoulders and back were so warm, so soft...we were both whimpering from it all. I didn't want to close my eyes, but I could hardly keep them open. Besides, kissing someone with your eyes open can be kinda creepy. At least I think it is.
We sorta tried to keep making out while we took our pants off, but that's not an easy task at all. Our lips were still kinda connected, but we were so busy concentrating on zippers and buttons and all, that we weren't really getting any enjoyment out of it. So we just giggled and stopped kissing long enough to pull them all the way down. Pants first, and our boxers second. I made sure to wait for Brandon though, so we could...like...be naked at the same time. I was so excited to see that big piece of meat again. I sighed when it flopped back and smacked slightly against his stomach. We both kinda flung our underwear to the side of the bed, and we just....looked at each other for a few minutes. It was another one of those moments where we were kinda scared to make the first move, but as we got completely hard and started seeing our rods get that playful little 'pulse' in them...we knew that we needed some relief. So we rolled into one another and just hugged each other tight as our boners were crushed up against each other. We tangled our legs up tightly and our arms were all over the place. Then we started kissing again, and we were all naked and close and.....sighhhh....Brandon was every bit as beautiful and delicate and gentle as I thought he'd be. He really was.
I don't know how much time had passed, but I felt this wet little trail on my leg, and I wanted to put him in my mouth again. So I tried to find a polite way to break our kiss and kinda move down. I had to kiss those nipples too, because they were just TOO cute to pass up! Hehehe! And when I kissed his stomach, he tensed up a bit, and I saw the sixpack appear for a few quick seconds before it buried itself again under his soft skinned abdomen. And he was gasping as I got closer and closer to what I wanted more...and now that we were alone and I had the time to do this right...I totally took as much of it as I could into my mouth! I sucked it all in and Brandon's legs began to tremble and spread wider to give me total access. His dick is so amazingly soft on the outside! Even when it's hard. I could feel the surface of it siding across my tongue, and I could taste that awesome flavor of pure 'Brandon' with every swallow of saliva. My tongue could feel that cut ridge at the head, and Brandon started wiggling under me as I finally got even more of it inside.
Then, after just a couple seconds of boner-sucking bliss...he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Billy! Shit...dude, hold on a sec..."
And I was like, "What's wrong?"
And he says, "I'm gonna cum, dude."
Already? I mean, it's only been like 20 seconds of me actually getting to taste him again. But when I looked down, his balls were up really tight, and the tip of his penis was really red and big...his legs were shaking and he looked like he was gonna go off like crazy with one more touch. So I guess he was telling the truth. So I said, "Um....ok." I didn't know what to do, so I just sorta sat up in the bed. "Well...um...do you wanna wait a couple of minutes or something?"
And he blushed and said, "Yeah, I guess so."
So I said, "Ok. Cool." And we just sorta sat there for a bit, not saying anything. Hahaha! Dude, I didn't know what to do! What kinda small talk do you make with a cute boy in between blow jobs? They need to write a book on this sorta thing. About 45 seconds passed, and I really wanted to start sucking him again. So I asked, "Are you ready yet?"
Hehehe, and he says, "Uhhhh...maybe another minute. I'm still right on the edge."
I'm like, "Did you try thinking about something else?"
And he's all, "Yeah. But then I look at you sitting there naked and that all goes to shit. Hehehe!" Awww, he's so adorable! "I love you, Billy. I mean it. Having you here with me is a dream come true."
I whimpered, "I love you too." I almost sobbed when I said it, and it got caught in my throat, but I meant it. I could feel it with every inch of my body. Just seeing him there, spread out before me...oh man, he was soooo gorgeous. I have never been so happy. Not ever. We waited for a bit longer, and I think his hardness started to go down a little. I asked, "Are you ready yet?"
And he's like, "Not now! You spoiled it! Hehehe!" I saw him get hard again, and I laid down beside him, stretching my legs out by his head as I rubbed my palm up and down the inside of his thigh.
I tried to think about something to talk about, and I asked him, "Hey...you know, I got invited to this party this weekend. Do you wanna come with me?" I don't know why it crossed my mind at that particular moment, but any topic of conversation that would let me put that heated length back between my moist lips was worth it.
He's like, "Are you serious? Where is it?"
I told him, "It's at Jamie Cross' house! It'll be great."
His eyes bugged out. "Jamie Cross??? Jesus, how did you get invited to that party?"
"I sucked him off, that's how." I kidded, and leaned forward to lick the head of his erection as he jumped and spanked me on the ass.
"Quit it! Hehehe! I'm tryng to make it go down!" He said. And then he asked me, "Do you mean it? You wanna go? I'll totally go with you."
And I said, "Definitely. It's a date then." And we smiled at each other. "Are you ready yet?"
And he laughed at me. "I dunno....maybe."
"Dude, I wanna suck you again! Quit being sensitive!" I laughed, and he grinned at me.
Then he says, "Can I suck you too, this time?"
Like I'm gonna argue with him on that one? So, I rolled over and straddled his head, and as soon as I felt his soft kissable lips suck me in, I leaned down and took him right back in my mouth again. I was so thirsty for more of his taste! It was addictive! And the feel of having him in my mouth while I was in his was just too much to take. I felt his teeth scrape me a couple of times, but it still felt really good. Especially when he reached up with both of his hands and grabbed my bottom to pull my hips further down into his face. I spread my legs furter apart until I could get it all in his mouth, and I felt his nose up against my balls and his cheeks against the center of my thighs. I started sucking even harder, and it was only a minute or two later when he started humping up into my face. He was moaning out loud and I got to grab his ass and hold him tight! Dude...Brandon has the softest, most squeezable ass EVER! Well, except for maybe Bobby Jinette...but he's the reigning world champion or something. Very hard to beat. Anyway, Brandon wrapped his arms tight around my waist and held me upside down on top of im as I sucked for all I was worth, and he just let loose! I couldn't even swallow it all, not even if I tried! There was so much of it, and it was so strong, that it kinda stuck to the roof of my mouth and it took me a couple of swallows to actually get it down. He had a bit of a hair trigger, but...I don't know...it was CUTE, you know? I liked it!
It took me another couple of minutes for me to explode, and I could tell that it was Brandon's first time, but GOD did he love it! I think he enjoyed sucking on me even more than I did. He would moan and hold me so tight. And his whole body would move and squirm as he really got into it. It was like...having sex with me was the only thing he wanted in this world, and he was determined to enjoy every last minute of it. I kissed and licked his thighs while he pleasured me, and I loved to kiss and suck on his balls too. They were the perfect shape, and the perfect size. They would litterally melt in your mouth, and the skin was so soft that you never wanted it to slide out, not even for a moment. Then, I reached the end of the road, and I came hard in his mouth! I was scared that he might have wanted some warning, or that he might not have wanted to swallow at all. I just remember hoping that he liked the taste and wasn't disgusted by it or anything. That would totally suck, you know? But he milked it all, and he didn't complain. Not that he could have, because his mouth was full and he pretty much had to swallow to keep from drowning.
So...yeah. Brandon and I did it today. In fact, we did it FOUR times before his mom came home! Hehehe, and he learned everything so fast. Each time was better than the last, even if we didn't have as much to shoot by the end. I just...I wrapped myself up in his arms and kissed and cuddled until we were forced to separate. There's nothing like being with someone you love. Nothing.
Shit...I've gotta go. I'd write more, but my mom is bugging me to go to bed since I've gotta see Simon again tomorrow. But...I'm just glad that I have this book here to document this. I don't ever want to forget this day. I don't ever want to forget his touch, or his kiss, or the feel of his tongue and lips on the most sensitive parts of my being. I LOVE you Brandon! I've loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you, and I always will! Thank you for today, baby. I can't wait to do it again...SOON!
ALRIGHT! Geez! My mom is being such a tyrant right now! Seeya later!