Friday - I think...
I think that maybe some of the things I've done in the past have come back to hit me pretty hard. And yeah...maybe I deserved that. But when I talk to Bobby Jinette...I can't help but feel so hurt for him. I mean...what did HE do that was so awful, other than fall in love with someone that I guess he wasn't meant to have. I think going over there today just put so many things in perspective. And I think that maybe I understand some things a little clearer than I did before.
Funny thing...you'd think that some understanding would...make you feel better. But in this case, it doesn't.
I don't really know what I expected, going to Bobby's house today. Well...I mean, I had my ideas...but I didn't really know for sure. The weird thing is, the idea of Bobby trying to seduce me into another long afternoon of hot naked sex was a lot more alluring than I wanted it to be. In fact, I think a part of me was actually looking forward to it. Thank God that wasn't Bobby's plan. Because I honestly don't know if I would have been able to say no.
What I got instead...was a much needed ego check, I guess. Even if it was an unintentional one.
Everything started out as just a friendly 'hanging out' of two old buds, you know? I mean, the way Bobby was acting, I think he really DID miss having someone gay to talk to. We spent the better part of an hour just talking about boys that he thinks are cute! Hehehe, he's definitely got good taste. Especially when it came to Jamie Cross. But, you know...who isn't in love with Jamie Cross? Show of hands, people?
He asked me what I was doing for my birthday the Monday after next, and I told him that I didn't know. It's not like I had anything planned, you know? Heh...my 'party' days are over until I go to college, I think. But I guess he wants to buy me something. JUST to say thanks for being a friend. You know, Bobby can be really...SWEET, I just...I'm not in love with him. Which sucks, because when I think about it...I should be. I should be in love with Jimmy LaPlane. I should still be in love with Sam I should be in love with Lee. I'm just...NOT. The one person that I was in love with...I fucked that all up by sleeping with somebody else. And now...all the cuties in the world could surround me on a daily basis...and I still feel alone.
I guess Bobby could see the expression on my face change, because the expression on his face changed. He tried to hide it from me, and then got up to try to 'entertain' me more with music and video games and trying to get my mind off of things. And I tried really hard to be interested. But just being in this room with him, sitting on his bed...it reminded me of everything that went wrong. And it reminded me of the blissful smile on Brandon's face as I watched him spend time and share that sweet bashful laugh with somebody else. Somebody who...I guess...was much more deserving than I was. I dunno...maybe Brandon is better off with someone who matters. Someone who can actually give him the attention he needs.
Ugh! I must have been sulking sooo much. I think that's what made Bobby so sad. He hated to see me in pain, and when I kept getting quiet on him, he finally spilled the beans.
"It's Brandon, isn't it? Him and Stevie?" I gave him a sad look, and he said, "Yeah, I've kinda seen them around together. And...it's all my fault."
I said, "Bobby...don't, ok? What's done is done..."
But he said, "No, it was my fault. I can't go on pretending that it isn't. And I lost two really good friends because of it in the process." I really didn't want to talk about it, but Bobby insisted on saying what he had to say. "I tried to talk to Brandon the other day, but he won't even look at me. YOU, he still has feelings for. But me? Well...that's a whole other story, I suppose. I know that's gotta suck for you...seeing them together. It did for me to see Brandon with you. So I'm no stranger to the ache that comes with it."
I don't know why my soul felt so...'distant' from the rest of me at that moment, but as much as I didn't want to discuss this, with Bobby Jinette of ALL people...the words started to overflow from my heart anyway. I was like, "I just...I wish I could have been a better boyfriend, you know? I wish I could have made him happy like...like this new 'person' can. But what can I do? I mean, if Brandon suddenly decides to change his mind and give his love to someone who's right there at his side every day of the week...what am I supposed to say? I have to let him go. It's his choice. I can't...sighhh....I can't tell him not to be happy." I said, and saw Bobby looking at me with the most miserable agony in his eyes. I was like, "I'm sorry. I'll stop now. Honestly, I just...more than anything, I really just NEED you to know that I NEVER meant to do anything to hurt you, ok Bobby? And I'll never do anything to hurt you ever again. Promise. I'm just...trying to deal with things as best as I can. And it's not working."
So Bobby was like, "Well...maybe you should find somebody else." I gave him a look, and he said, "NOT me...just...somebody close by that you can actually cuddle up with and...feel good." And that's when he said something that I seemed to be hearing a LOT lately. "I know what it's like. Sometimes...you just wanna feel good. Fantasies are great...but...having a taste of the real thing is soooo much better. Even if it doesn't count for much afterwards." Then he was like, "You know?"
I'm all, "Yeah...I guess." Even if I didn't want to admit it.
I think he started to get emotional as he said, "I wouldn't mind, you know? If you got somebody new. Maybe Brandon wouldn't mind either. I mean...you can only live for you, right."
I said, "I don't think I want to go down that road again. This last time still hurts, and I don't think I'll survive another heartbreak."
He was like, "Heh...people like you don't have to worry about heartbreaks, Billy. People like ME...have to worry about heartbreaks. All you have to do is sift through the long line of people lining up to be with you...and taking your pick. And you SHOULD...you know...take your pick. And pick what's best for you. There's no reason to waste the gift of beauty that you were given."
Sighhh...why does he talk about me like that? What does he see in me that's so blind from my own eyes? If only I felt HALF as beautiful as he made me out to be.
I told him, "Thanks Bobby, really. But..." I took a deep breath, and said, "...Everything I touch seems to turn to shit eventually. I'm just not meant to be one of the 'happy people'. I feel good for a little while, and then...something comes along and...." I had to stop talking. It was a bit too much for me to tackle at that moment. "...Whatever. I can take it. It's happened before. I'm sure it'll happen again. I'll just have to learn to live with it."
There was a pause while I looked down at my feet, and then I heard Bobby sniffling a bit I looked up, and he looked away, but I could tell that he pitied me soooo much. And maybe felt ultra guilty for being a part of hurting me this way. Bobby's voice was kinda shaky when he said it, but he was like, "Billy...promise me something, ok?" And I told him that I would, but his eyes got all watery before he was able to speak. It was like...he was holding back for as long as he could before letting the words hit the open air. Like it was just going to hurt him soooooo badly just to say it out loud. He was like, "I love you, ok? And it's not just because you're really cute, or because you're really popular, or because you're actually nice to me and stand up for me. And that love is always going to be there, no matter what. But...I don't have any right to keep you from being happy. I don't have the right to deprive you of ONE moment that you could be spending in love...with someone else."
I was like, "Bobby, you're not..."
But he stopped me, and some tears rolled down his cheeks. "No..I've been really selfish these past few months, Billy. Because I thought that sweet talking you and a few sexy interludes could actually 'force' you to be mine. And that's not fair. It's not fair to you who's so amazing and has so many people wishing they could be a part of your world. It's not fair to someone else out there who's close enough to you to like actually...like...'be' there for you, you know? And, yeah...I'm gonna hurt over it, but...if somebody else comes along, and you decide that you would rather be with them instead because they make you...really happy...then go. Go and be happy. I'll be alright. I've been heartbroken before. At least this time I got the chance to really experience something beautiful with someone I really care about. That's something that I'm gonna keep in my heart for the rest of my life. Even if it was over way too soon."
God! I mean....Bobby was literally crying and sniffling, and...he was being sooooo vulnerable in front of me. It was so sad that it made me get a lump in my throat too. Something about Bobby can just manipulate your emotions without mercy sometimes. And as much trouble as I've gotten into over this whole thing before...this uncontrollable urge to hold him and mash my lips up against his again welled up inside me. I tried to fight it though. I said, "Bobby, I'm not gonna just...'go away'. I know I've been kinda mean since all this happened, and I haven't really been fair to you. Because I wasn't thinking of your feelings. I was just thinking about myself. But...to be honest...I doubt that I'm gonna go be 'happy' with much of anybody for a long long time."
But Bobby just sniffled some more, and told me, "Yes, you are. Look at you, Billy. Everybody wants you. Boys are gonna come seeking you out. And they're all gonna be cute and popular and funny just like you are. And once they start throwing themselves at you and begging for the chance to be yours...if even for a little while...you'd be stupid to turn them down. They can be everything that I can't be for you. They're the boys you've been waiting your whole LIFE for. And as much pain as it causes me to say it...I'd much rather think of you lying naked at one of their sides then having you walking around chasing some stupid 'phantom'. Unsatisfied. You know?" He said. "I love you too much to pretend that I don't know that. So just...go find your smile again. Find something real. Because I doubt I'll never be able to smile again myself if I don't see you smile first."
I guess it was Bobby's way of letting me go once and for all. There was a certain 'finality' to it that I had never heard before There was a while where I was extremely uneasy about it...especially after what happened with Jimmy and all. I made SURE to look for signals. Or signs. Trying to see if Bobby was going down that same path. Praying that I'd be a good enough judge of his intentions to prevent anything like Jimmy's 'accident' from ever happening again. And I'm still kinda worried about it right now as I write this. That's why I wrote Bobby an email tonight, telling him to say goodnight to me before he went to bed. He seemed really broken up over it all. But...I won't lose ANYBODY to something so terrible as suicide. I swear on my life! I don't think I could handle that. Not from Bobby. Not from anybody.
So what did I take away from today's run in with Bobby Jinette? I don't know...maybe it's just the realization that he's in the same position that I'm in. Hell...maybe we ALL are. He wants someone who's in love with someone else. I'm in love with someone who's in love with someone else. I mean...what do I do? Should I be happy for Brandon? Should I, like...be the bigger man like Bobby was today? Should I just sit Brandon down in private somewhere and just...wish him well? Give him the send off that he deserves for bringing so much joy into my life before Stevie's love erases me from his memory completely? Should I move on, and maybe accept the love that Bobby's giving me? Or Jimmy? Or Lee? I know what it's like to hurt like he's hurting. I know what it's like to want to be soooo selfish that sharing someone I was so in love with with someone else is a fate worse than death. How can I take Bobby's words to heart and not see the same internal flaws in myself?
Maybe I should let them all go. Just have a total 'cleansing' of the soul...and truly start over again. Let Brandon and Stevie go, let Bobby go, let Jamie Cross go, let Sam and Joanna go...and just try to find myself all over again. If nothing else, I should probably use my 15th birthday as a milestone of some sort. It'll hurt. I know it will. But I'd rather hurt for a little while and get it all over with instead of dragging it out for the rest of my life, where I end up regretting all the time I wasted.
Maybe Brandon's better off. I have to believe that. If for no other reason than it takes the focus off of the excruciating pain in my own heart and puts the spotlight on something that might, one day, cause me to smile. Knowing that my baby was happy. And loved. And safe in the arms of someone worthy of him.
Joanna was right. I'm no good at this relationship stuff anyway. But I'm gonna learn. And someday...I'll find somebody just for me JUST for me.
Oh, there's Bobby's email. I guess he's alright. Cool. I can go to bed now. I'll write more later.