The strange thing? As the night went on and the party began to thin out, little by little...I found myself making eye contact with Ricky multiple times. On one hand...it was kind of exciting to have him look back at me whenever I tried to take in a few seconds of his unreasonably gorgeous face. But, on the other hand...it totally sucked, because I couldn't just gaze at him dreamily without having him catch me almost every time. I mean, I felt like such a stalker. And why is my heart pounding like this?
I'm being so stupid about this. There's no way for me to ever get anything out of this infatuation except for heartache. It's a longing that will never be fulfilled. A desire that will never recognized or returned. So why bother, right? He's literally over by the stairs with a girl right now...blushing and giggling and probably sneaking peeks at her breasts when he thinks she's not looking. So what chance do I have of getting his attention, right?
And yet...my heart seemed to crave him all the same. The fantasy of ever being able to get a boy like that to love me back was just...it's still a bit out of my reach. At least for now. But it's fun to fantasize. Even if it's only for one five minute jack off session to the next.
I should just go home. I'm getting all sad and sappy now.
I finished off what little drink I had left in my cup, nudging Silas with my elbow. "Let's bounce, dude. We've drained all the fun we can out of this party tonight."
Silas said, "Yeah. I'm with you. Besides, my mom is gonna kill me if I miss another curfew call. She's cracking down on that kind of thing these days."
"Maybe you shouldn't come home at two in the morning, then." I teased.
"That only happened once...and I was trying to talk this hot boy into letting me blow him."
"Did it work? Hehehe!"
"Does it ever?" He answered. "We need more gay boys in this town. We are seriously deficient in the 'sperm server' department."
"And on that note...we're out of here." I said, declining to comment on that any further. I sort of searched the room to see if maybe I could catch another glance at Ricky Sweeten before leaving the party. I was thinking that I might even gather up the courage to tell him goodnight. You know...without squealing.
Unfortunately, I had lost sight of him...and he didn't seem to be around anymore. I was forced to wonder whether or not that girl he was talking to had, maybe, convinced him to leave with her. Or if they went looking for some private place to make out or something. Maybe even more.
I couldn't help but to feel a little hurt, thinking that he was somewhere getting some action, and some pretty girl was on the receiving end of his affections. But that's just how things work for 'normal' people, isn't it? Not freaks like me.
Sighhhh...see? This is why straight boys are a total waste of time and emotion. I hate myself for even letting things get this far. Ugh!
I didn't have much to worry about in the way of getting home. The party was happening in my neighborhood, so I was about an eight block walk away from the party to my front door, tops. Although, Silas seemed to be a little wobbly in his walk, so I figured we'd take our time with a casual stroll. Maybe the fresh air will 'brighten him up' from the drink. The last thing I need is the task of physically dragging him two blocks out of my way to drop him off at his front door.
"You know, whatever was in that punch...I think I need to keep some of that under my bed." Silas grinned. "That was good shit."
"Funny...I'd have thought that you had your fill tonight."
"Not for tonight...for, like, tomorrow morning. Hehehe, I'm not a TOTAL lush."
"Whatever, dude." I grinned, shaking my head. "Just let me know if you feel like puking it up so I can get out of the way."
"Will do..." He said, then he took a deep breath of fresh night air, looking up at the stars. "It's gonna happen one day, you know? For both of us."
"Getting ourselves a couple of hot boyfriends, of course. Think about it, Jamie. No more walking home from house parties alone, no more scanning the room for a possible victim to prey upon...just making out in public and going home for, yet another, sweaty session of boy sex. Can you imagine? I swear, it'll happen someday soon. I can feel it. I just wish it wasn't taking so friggin' long."
"Hehehe, well, if it'll make you feel better...I'll make out with you any time you want me to."
"That's supposed to make me feel better? Geez...and you thought the alcohol was going to make me puke." He teased, and I nearly pushed him in the bushes or that. "Seriously, though...I mean, wouldn't it be crazy to have a boy of your very own? Somebody to spoon naked with you on a warm afternoon, lightly kissing the back of your neck. I swear, I think about it and it gives me chills sometimes."
Walking next to him, I did give it some thought. And he was right. It would be nice. "Yeah..." I sighed. "...I think about it sometimes too." But then I added, "You know what I really want? Just...somebody to share some affection with." Silas looked at me with a sly smile, causing me to playfully roll my eyes. "Ok, ok...yes, I wanna have lots of sex on top of it. But, I think...more than anything, I just want to have a really cool talk with someone cool. Somebody with something profound to say. And a smile that lights up a whole room. Just a kiss on the lips and some casual conversation. I know that might seem pretty tame to you, but...if I could just get that much from a really cute boy...I'd take it."
"You are wasting all of your imagination in all the wrong places, my friend." He giggled as we turned the corner at the end of the block. "But I guess I can see where you're coming from. You've always been the romantic one."
"And you've always been the porn star. Hehehe!"
"Damn right..." Silas said, but then he seemed to drift off there for a second. Then I heard a slight gasp leave his lips, and he suddenly took a hold of my arm. His grip was really, really, tight. I thought that maybe he was going to fall over and he was leaning on me for support. "Jamie! Dude!" He whispered loudly.
"Hey man, if you're getting ready to hurl..."
"No!!! Look! Look look look!" He said, nodding forward. "Tell me that's not Ricky Sweeten walking home!"
I had to squint a bit, but as the figure that was walking about a block and a half in front of us passed under one of the suburban streetlights, I recognized Ricky's shirt from the party. And that's when the panic settled in. Because Silas isn't known for being careful when it comes to spontaneous situations like this.
I tried to deflect. "Nah, that's probably not him. That can be anybody..."
"That's not 'anybody', Jamie. That's totally Ricky fuckin' Sweeten. Look at him! He's, literally, walking in the direction of your house!"
"I'm sure that he's walking in the direction of his own house..."
"Omigod, I can almost feel how hot he is from way up there."
"Silas...don't do anything embarrassing. Ok?" I pleaded.
"Embarrassing? No way." Then he immediately says, "Should we call out his name? Jamie, you do it. He might answer if you do it. He doesn't know me..."
"Are you serious right now???" I whispered back, all while we were aggressively poking and nudging and slapping away each other's hands.
"Hell YEAH, I'm serious! Dude, he's right there! Walk faster..."
"NO!!!" I said, grabbing his arm this time and pulling back to slow down his pace. "Knock it off. Just...leave him alone."
Silas couldn't understand what was going on with me. Why does he have to be so damn brave when it comes to boys?
"Jamie, you can't just let him get away. We could catch him. It's casual. We're just walking home from the same party."
"And what would I do once I catch him? Can you tell me that?"
He grinned, "I know what I would do, but you're probably still on that 'rainbows and casual conversation' stuff. For crying out loud, he's not a puppy."
"If you call out to him or try to run up there to catch him, I'll never forgive you, Silas. I mean it." I was stern and commanding about it, and he seemed to let it go.
"Fine, ya big killjoy." He grunted. "Well, can we just walk behind him for a while? Is that alright with you? We're heading in the same direction, you know?"
"Don't screw me over, dude. I mean it." I said, and he threw up his arms in defeat. I don't know why it terrified me so much to have him notice that we were walking on the same street as he was, but I just feel like I need a plan. That's all. I can't just turn a corner and suddenly dive into grabbing the attention of the hottest boy in school all willy nilly like I'm not terrified of making a fool out of myself. I just don't want to be pushed, that's all.
We were both quiet for a few moments, just watching Ricky walk ahead of us...
Silas attempted to speed up gradually a few times, but when I saw the space between him and us decreasing, I would slow down again. I just want to make it home without incident. Geez...
"Omigod, will you look at that ass?" He whispered. "It's so pert and tight, but bouncy at the same time. It is truly a work of art. Can you imagine what it must be like to grab two handfuls of it while he's on top of you? Like, flexing and grinding? I think that would make me explode faster than anything else."
"Can you stop?"
"What? He can't hear me." He said. "You know...the human body is built with a sense of balance, right? So that means...if he's got that much meat in the back, he's probably got a nice piece of meat in the front too. Just to compensate." I actually stopped responding to him at this point. I was only going to make things worse by indulging him. But I did look. And even though he was a decent distance away from us...he really did have a nice butt. Really shapely, you know? It was the kind of butt that you can easily picture naked no matter what kind of pants his wearing. It was hypnotic to watch it move the way it was. "I wish I could get that boy to sit on my face. I really do."
The comment caught me off guard in the middle of my perverse staring, and I giggled out loud. "DUDE! What the...?"
Silas snickered out loud as well, and this time, I think Ricky heard us. He looked back over his shoulder for a second, and I pinched Silas to get him to shut up. That's when Ricky sort of smiled at us, and he gave me another little wave. He's so pretty when he smiles.
"Hiiiiii, Ricky..." Silas said with a wicked smile, and Ricky softly returned the greeting. Then he turned around and kept walking.
That gave me a chance to shove Silas again. "What now???"
"You SAID you wouldn't embarrass me!"
"HE turned around FIRST! I was just being polite!"
I whispered, "You need some serious help. You should work on your impulse control."
He grinned, "Sorry, Jamie...but honesty prevents me from having a decent filter. Deal with it."
"I deal with it all the time, believe me." I said, but he just put an arm over my shoulder and asked me if I was still his best friend in the whole world. I sighed, "You know I am. And vice versa." He got me to smile, and I did the same.
"You should talk to him more. Take a shot. Teenage boys are, like, the horniest creatures on the planet. I saw this porno once where this guy fucked a hole that he carved into a watermelon. And another one where the guy was, straight up, banging a live chicken. I'm pretty sure that you'd be a better pursuit than fruit and poultry for a guy like Ricky."
I gave Silas the strangest look. "Dude, what the fuck kinda porn are you watching at home?"
"It's crazy man. I need my daily fix. I once watched two dogs hump at the park for twenty minutes straight. That was an interesting Easter weekend..."
I laughed again, this time a bit louder, and Ricky did look back at us once more before continuing on. Thankfully, we had reached the part of the neighborhood where Silas had to turn off and go home. "Hehehe, you're gonna get me in trouble! God! Get out of here. Go home, already." I said.
"I think you should talk to him. Just saying. You don't get many coincidences like this. Take advantage." He told me. "And then tell me all about it, the SECOND he gets his clothes back on! If you suck that boy's dick...maybe then I'll make out with you. Just so I can get an idea of what he tastes like. Hehehe!"
"Now you're just being unnecessarily dirty."
"Say what you want...but that boy is an 'All Day Saturday'."
"Do I even want to know what that is?"
"That's when you just get together on the weekend, and you just make love over, and over, and OVER, again! Then you kiss and cuddle for a bit, then you do it again. Then you get a snack...and then you do it AGAIN..."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it." I said. "Go home, Silas."
"Hehehe, you know you're gonna think about what I said when you get home. Watch. Three tissues, minimum."
"GO!" I giggled.
And that's when I heard Silas call out, "G'night, Ricky Sweeten!" Causing him to turn around again and walk backwards for a few steps before he smiled even wider than before. Dear sweet Christ...I think my heart stopped.
"G'night!" He said, cheerfully. Omigod! He's so CUTE!!!
Silas and I parted ways, leaving me to walk silently behind Ricky for the remaining few blocks to my house. I kept my head down for most of it, feeling a flurry of nervous jitters rising up within me every time i even thought about looking at him again. The broad width of his shoulders...the narrow dip in the sides of his waist...the curve on the back of his neck. The way he moved was like a physical representation of fine poetry. And to think...he was just walking. Completely unaware of the way he made me feel. Clueless to the fact that my heart was desperately yearning for him in a way that I couldn't possibly ever expect him to understand.
Why is he like this? Why is he so amazing? God, girls have it so easy! It's so socially acceptable for them to just approach him and talk to him and not have it look weird. To gaze into those beautiful eyes and fantasize about what it would be like to kiss those lips. The ultimate reward for having him favor you among all others...just for one golden moment in time. He's so...
He's just soooooo....
What am I doing to myself? Just go home already. Quit tempting me with your aloof display of untouchable beauty. Go away, Ricky Sweeten! Let me get back to my life and some sense of rationality that won't end up breaking my heart into a million pieces when the inevitable crash and burn happens.
It came to the last block...and Ricky was already passing my house, walking through the driveway of his own place across the street. I was deeply sad to see him leaving my personal view for the night, but couldn't deny the sigh of relief I released when the nervousness finally released its hold on me. Then...
Ricky turned around to see me crossing the street...and he was like, "Cool party, huh?"
NO!!! I was almost free from his intimidating aura! Why is he prolonging my agony any further?
"Yeah..." I said, holding my breath. "...Pretty cool." And I found myself with absolutely NOTHING else to say to him. Nothing at all.
He hesitated for a moment, and then...he was just like, "G'night. See ya round."
I was seriously shaking at this point, and I said, "...G'night..."
And then I let him leave. I actually let the hottest boy in school go into his house without screaming his name and tackling him on the front lawn. I am SO jealous of the first girl that gets to have a piece of that body! I really am!
When I went to bed that night, I couldn't help but to replay every moment of Ricky and me making eye contact. What was that? What did it mean? Did it mean anything at all? I'm assuming that he just recognizes me as being his new neighbor, and he probably just wants to be friendly to me because of it. But...I can't help but to wonder what would happen if I was more like Silas with this kind of thing. I mean...like...could I really get him to sit on my face? Hehehe!
I don't know. I'm so confused. And now I'm tossing and turning and uncomfortable with the idea that I'm having feelings for a boy I can't ever have. I don't mind the attraction part of it all. I mean...Ricky is SUPER attractive! I'm sure people get all hot and bothered around him all the time.
But this isn't just another cute boy to invade my wet dreams...
It's the feelings that I find most disturbing.
It's the way my heart nearly implodes from the absence of his love that truly gets to me. The way my hands begin to shake and the nervous sweats and the shaky voice tht comes with the utter terror of even speaking his name out loud. These aren't things that I can control. I have no defense against his penetrating smile. And watching him go into his house tonight without the courage to say anything more than 'g'night'?
I think that bothered me most of all.