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They seemed really happy for me, Jason and Kyle. I mean, they were giving me so much encouragement. So much support. By telling them that I was going to really step forward and finally get Rory to have sex with me...it was like they suddenly accepted me into their little private club. You know? I felt like I finally got it. I had evolved. This is what I wanted all along, and this was the first step towards getting there. Isn't it?
I'd be happier. They'd be happier for me. And I'm sure that Rory would be happier too. I guess I just needed a swift kick to get in gear and just...just 'do' this. Kyle was right. I was thinking too much. I was putting Rory way up on this pedestal and stuff...but it was all in my head. If I had to be honest, I was probably nothing more than a huge annoyance to him at this point. Just...something he wished he could get away from, but didn't tell me because he felt some obligation to spare my little virgin feelings. God...I felt like such a jerk for making him pretend that he felt anything for me at all.
I thought back to our very first conversation online. You know...not pretending to be Kyle, but just being myself. And he was so....SO lovable. Every word he typed out on that screen made me smile. And when he talked to me on the phone...I don't know...hehehe, I got chills. I thought back to our first meeting in that humble little sandwich shop...the first time I laid eyes on him, and I was soooo intimidated, soooo outdone, that it just didn't feel real to me. It was hard for my brain to accept. Harder to believe that someone so beautiful could develop feelings for someone like me. But he embraced me. Through the weirdness and the insecurity and my avoidance of him and all of my quirks and flaws and mistakes...he stuck right by my side with a giggle and a kiss. And he made me feel whole again. He filled a void inside of me that I didn't even know was there until the first time I saw the beauty of his smile.
But as I began to mentally deconstruct the whole situation...all I saw was misery. Goofy mistakes and missed opportunities. I thought about Rory giving me hints...with just a touch, just a whisper, or a kiss on the side of his house. I thought about that, and I thought about what Kyle was telling me in the park...and it just made sense, you know? Like, Maybe Rory was baiting me. Maybe he was giving me hints to get me to be a man and actually make a MOVE on him already! Maybe he was tired of me beating around the bush. Maybe he just figures that I'm some lame asshole who won't ever be what he wants me to be. He could be rolling around naked with his choice of boys out there right now. Who am I? What makes me think I'm worth having him hold out and wait for my love? I don't want to screw this up. And if Rory is going to leave me and move on to someone else, then I want to at least be able to say that I enjoyed a full experience before he was gone for good.
The rose I bought? I threw it in the trash. That's so sappy and dumb. I'm not a 6 year old, here. I need to grow up. This is real. I can do this. I mean...I can do this, right? I can be sexy. I can be smooth. I don't have to be some kind of cheap motel slut to get Rory interested in me. But I can try a little harder to show some interest. Right? I'm a romantic. He's a romantic. Like Kyle said, I can use that to my advantage. A few sweet words, a few hugs, a few giggles...I mean, he already likes me, right? He's attracted to me. At least, I think he is. So how hard can this be?
The more I mulled over the idea, the more I got excited about it. The idea of Rory and I in bed together...totally naked...kissing and cuddling and worn out from a long afternoon of marathon sex, hehehe...it just blew my mind. I could be doing that with him. This Saturday! My mom won't be gone all day or anything, but I'm sure I'll have the house to myself long enough to get Rory naked and hard and ready to go. I'd totally work him up to it the whole way back to my house from the lake. By the time we get through the front door, he'll be so hot and horny that he won't be able to keep his hands off of me. I'd lay him down and suck and kiss and roll around until we were both so blissfully satisfied that nothing else mattered. Nothing at all. And all of my twisted thoughts and wasted emotional garbage will finally stop haunting me like this. At long last...I'll be able to think clearly again. I'll feel like I accomplished something. And I won't be cold and alone anymore. I'll have my Rory to keep me warm.
He's so beautiful. Sooooo beautiful. It made me want to cry, just looking at how awesome he was.
When I turned on my computer, I stared at the picture he sent me. The one of him holding the white teddy bear. And...wow...
I sighed to myself as I thought about being able to actually have him. I mean, really have him, just the way I wanted.
Ok...so Friday came around, and Rory sent me a little message with a smiley face earlier in the day. He was like, "I thought about you a second ago. And it made me feel silly. Hehehe, just wanted you to know." I literally swooned to the point that I thought my heart would burst open. Could he be any more CUTE? Is he really thinking about me right now? God, he's perfect. So perfect.
Yeah...I can't let him get away. I need to do something. I have to hurry up and make things official. No more waiting. Enough is enough. He's ready to have sex. I need to be ready too. I'll figure something out. Something quick. Something convenient.
I took a deep breath and called him up on the phone. I don't know why I was so nervous, but...I wanted to at least get the ball rolling on this. I could be having sex with Rory as early as tomorrow if I just grow a pair and 'go for it'.
Don't think, Kevin. Just...stop thinking.
"Hey..." Came Rory's voice as he picked up the call.
"Hi..." I said. My voice was a bit shaky, but I tried to make it sound...I don't know...sexy. Not in a slimy way, just, you know...like...intimate.
Rory told me that he was sort of tired at the moment. I guess he had been woken up really early this morning, so he was starting to crash when I called. There were a few times when I asked if he wanted me to go and let him sleep. But he just said, "No. It's cool."
So we talked for a little bit. Nothing special. I kept trying to make it romantic and sexy, but I wasn't quite sure what to say. Like I said, I'm not really much of a 'seek and destroy' kind of guy when it comes to this sort of thing. But I kept trying, regardless. At one point, I told him, "I got your message this morning. I thought it was really cute."
"Yeah? sweet. I don't know why...but sometimes you just cross my mind and it makes me smile. Like, in public, with everybody staring at me. I feel like such a psycho. Hehehe!"
I loved Rory's laugh. It truly made me melt to hear him laugh. "I think about you too..." I said. Could that be considered sexy? I think it's sexy. A little 'forced', but...I had to make an effort, you know?
"Good. You'd better tell me when you do." He grinned.
"Because...I want to know. I need to know that I'm not the only one obsessing here. I wanna feel 'cute' too, ya know?" He said.
I said, "Oh, please. You are SO hot! I was looking at your picture today, the one with the teddy bear? And I was like, 'God, he's hot'! Hehehe! I could stare at that all day long."
There was a slight pause in our conversation. Then Rory gave me a slight chuckle and said, "Well, that teddy bear does make for a great accessory...."
Wait...did he not get it? I don't think I made myself clear. So I said, "The only thing that could have made that picture better was if you were totally naked."
"Ok, well...that's not gonna happen. So...I guess you'll just have to use your imagination." He said. What was I doing wrong? If I had been Kyle, Rory would have been sending me dick pics and stroke videos by now. What did he tell me? Show interest. I need to show interest. Maybe this doesn't work over the phone. When I see him face to face, I can just...say a few words to him and he'll be naked in a flash. Easy.
I said, "You know, I was thinking about going out to the lake tomorrow. Just to hang out in the park and stuff. You wanna go? I can show you around. You'll love it."
"Yeah. Sure. I'm not doing anything." He said. It's not like I expected him to squeal with joy or anything...but he didn't sound very excited. Maybe it was all in my head, but I felt like he was practically rolling his eyes at me. The same way Jason did at the park yesterday. They're totally right, aren't they? I'm boring the shit out of Rory by not being more aggressive. More sexual. I have to come on strong, dammit! I need to make this happen. Like...now.
I said, "We can do something else if you want. I'm not all that attached to the idea if you'd rather..."
"No. It's cool. The lake sounds cool. I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm just in a weird mood today. Ok?"
I'll be he is. A mood where he's trying to come up with reasons to break up with me, I'll bet. "Ok..." I said. "Well...I'll call you tomorrow."
"K. I'll be here." He said, and I heard him yawn. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt a little bit. I am so far out of my element right now. "G'night." He said.
I should have said, 'I love you'. The words were right there on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I got...scared. I actually hung up the phone without saying it out loud, and I regretted it instantly. Maybe if I wasn't such a coward, Rory would love me more. Maybe I just...need to stop being a chicken and make this whole situation as easy as Kyle and Jason make it look. They're just words for crying out loud! Why can't I say them? Why does it even matter?
I tortured myself all night about this. I tossed, I turned, I paced back and forth in my room all morning long...wishing that I had the stones to jump Rory's bones the second I saw him again. And when the afternoon finally rolled around, I forced myself to call Rory up on the phone and make plans to meet in an hour. The clock was officially ticking now. The countdown had begun. If I was going to leave any sort of impression at all...I was going to have to do it right now. Today. No more little boy games. It's time to grow up. Let's...let's do this.
I went to Kyle's house before leaving for the lake. He told me that his parents were gone for the whole day. He said, "Now listen...I'm going to give you my house key. Alright? I'm going to go to Jason's house, I won't be back until after 6, and my parents won't either. So...if things start going your way, and you need a place to have some privacy...you're all set, bro. K? I mean it. Just don't bust any loads on my pillow! Clean up your own mess. That's, like, my one rule." He grinned.
"I don't know about this, Kyle..."
"Stop. Stop right there. You're thinking again. Nothing bad can come from this. Nothing. Do you need a condom? I've got condoms over here in this drawer if you need them. Safety first and all that."
"I feel weird about this..." I said.
But he told me, "Don't. There's nothing weird about this at all. You want him, he wants you, make it happen. Drop the pretense already and do it." It felt like he was pushing me so HARD sometimes. "Look, butter him up a little bit. Spend some time at the lake, talking and connecting or whatever. And then...just follow your natural instincts. Get him to come back here with you so you guys can have a little bit of fun." Kyle was really trying to help. He put a hand on my shoulder and lifted my chin so he could look me in the eye. "Listen...it's gonna feel scary at first. I know that you're new to this. But all you have to do is talk to him. Get comfortable, ok? And any time you feel scared to make a move or tell him what you're feeling....just think about Rory, gorgeous Rory, giving all that beauty to somebody else. Seriously. Think about him giving all that love and care and that awesome body to some other boy. And all because you were too much of a pussy to make things work. Let it hurt. Let it sting for a bit in the pit of your stomach. Imagine Rory making somebody else blissfully happy in ways that he was willing to use to make you happy, if only you hadn't let him down. Think about that, and let it motivate you to go get your winning lottery ticket, dude. K? I'm cheering you on, all the way. You're my bro. Love doesn't exist without a little nookie every few hours or so. Hehehe!" He patted me hard on the back and said, "You're totally gonna be my hero if you pull this off today! I just want to go to sleep tonight knowing that Rory's bare naked ass was right here in my sheets. It's making me hard already!"
Kyle pushed me out the door, and there I was...on my way to meet my fate. Deep breath, Kevin. Relax. I can do this. I'm already in love. How much of a leap could sex be from here? Right?
I second guessed myself the whole trip on my way out to the lake. Was this going to be romantic? Would it matter? I just wanted Rory to be happy. I just wanted him to be...'mine'. You know?
Seeing him in person after so much fantasizing was a shock to the system. Actually, that's a severe understatement. His eyes...God, that boy could totally level you with his eyes. Especially when he smiled. I walked up to him, and he opened his arms up for a hug. I attempted to start things off right away with a kiss on the lips, but I think he was just looking for a hug at the moment. So I ended up having this really awkward motion where I think I accidentally kissed his cheekbone and he gave me a slightly strange look afterward. I mean, I wasn't going to stick my tongue down his throat or anything, but...I was trying to appeal to his naughty side. At least a little bit. Maybe it was too soon. Yeah...I need to make him comfortable first. Kyle told me that I needed to relax. Stop thinking. I just need to make things 'comfy' for the both of us. Calm down, Kevin. We'll spend some time easing him into the idea...and then we'll go for the sex later. It won't be weird. Sex takes time. It doesn't just...'happen'. Unless it's with a prostitute in a hotel room. God, I wish Rory could just be a filthy prostitute. 'Here's my money, fuck me.' Splash! Sexual tension, relieved. Bye.
Jesus, what am I saying? That's dumb. STOP THINKING!!!!
I didn't have much money, but I was able to buy Rory a slice of pizza and one for myself. He took one bite, and his eyes widened like ti was the most delicious slice of pizza that he had ever tasted. Hehehe, I felt weak from the way that made me feel. It's like...I brought something into his life that was totally unexpected. And he LOVED it! I had an impact on his life, albeit a small one. I couldn't help but to take pride in that.
I think he was having a good time. But Rory was one of those guys who would totally make you feel like you were the most awesome person ever, even if you weren't. I think it was just his way of being polite. So, even through his smiles and his compliments and his flirty little gestures...I couldn't be sure whether I was messing this 'date' up or not. We were still just talking. Just giggling. Just...hanging out. Like 'pals'. We weren't really being affectionate with one another. And if that was what Rory was looking for, I certainly wasn't giving it to him. I needed to step things up a little bit. Be aggressive. Take charge of the situation.
What did Kyle say? Lots of eye contact. Touch him. Make him feel wanted, right? Ok...umm...let me try this...
Rory was talking to me about how cool the lake looked at this time of day. He had finished his slice of pizza and I was nice enough to take his paper plate to a nearby trash can along with my own. Then we sat on the rocks together. There wasn't much of a breeze at all...but the gentle strands of his blond hair were blown into a hypnotic dance, regardless. I loved him. I really loved him. Without having to touch him at all...my heart was thrown into a total fit of chaos and confusion. I remembered his little message to me. He was thinking about me. A boy this special, this amazing...was thinking about me. It pinched me hard in the heart and made me smile, which caught Rory's attention. Even out of the corner of his eye. "What?" He asked.
"Nothin'." I answered.
I felt the urge to touch him. And I started to deny the sudden impulse to do so. But then...I thought about what Kyle told me. Here I was, with the most perfect boyfriend in existence...and I was too scared to let him know how much I cherished him for everything that he is. I thought about Rory leaving me behind, and giving this love, this beauty, this 'awesomeness', to somebody else. Somebody who would never appreciate him the way that I did. Visions of him naked and being intimate with some other guy...telling them how much he loves them....giggling and charming them the way he used to charm me. I was almost dizzy with envy. Why do THEY get to be with my Rory? Just because I was a coward? That's not fair. That's not fair at all.
So I forced myself to be better. I made the effort. And while looking at Rory...sooooo beautiful in ways that words cannot describe...I reached out my hand, and put it on his leg. In the middle of his thigh. The contact alone made me semi-hard, but I hoped that it didn't show that much.
Rory looked down for a moment, but he didn't really say anything. His gaze went back out to the lake, and I took that as a hint to maybe go a bit further. I gave his thigh a squeeze or two, and then slid my hand further up towards his crotch. I was fully hard now. This is it. This is where I make my play.
I've got Kyle's key. Rory and I can be all alone. I'll just take him to Kyle's house, and we'll strip off...and I'll have a boyfriend at last. Not a 'pal'. Not an internet crush. But a real life boyfriend. It all depends on how the next few minutes plays out between us. Don't chicken out now, Kevin. Do it. You can do it. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
My fingers slid further up until my pinky was almost touching his balls, and that's when Rory turned to me and gave me a sideways look. "Hehehe...um...what are you doing?" He asked.
Again, I said, "Nothin'." I gave him the most sensual smile that I knew how to, and he just smirked at my expression.
"Okaaaay...." He said. And to my disappointment, he used his hand to gently brush my hand away from his goodies. Was I moving too fast? No...too slow. I should up the ante here. Let him know what my intentions are. Look at him! Jesus he's hot! He's really hot! Yeah...I can't let somebody else have this beautiful boy before I do. I need to keep pushing. Yes...push harder.
I continued to flirt with Rory in the most blatant ways possible. I didn't want to be crass or sound like some kind of a pervert...but my usual giggle-fest of boyish compliments wasn't going to do the trick. Kyle and Jason were right. I need to 'close the deal' on this tonight. I can't leave the lake without stating my claim on Rory's sweet ass and taking him somewhere so I could show him that I'm worth thinking about. I'm worth his love. I worth his thoughts and his random fantasies. I'm worth waiting for. That's not going to come from me being his 'friend'. I need something more. Something BIG!
"I can see why you come out here so much." Rory said. "The lake is really soothing, you know? The sunlight and stuff. I'm glad you brought me here. We should come here more often."
I tried to slide a bit of innuendo in my voice when I said, "Yeah, we should. I would like that a lot." I put my hand back on his leg, but he sort of moved his body to look off in the other direction, causing my hand to slip off.
"You can see the Pier from here. That's cool." He said, and I tried to put my hand on his leg again. This time, using my other hand to rub the small of his back.
"Uh huh..." I said, and Rory looked at me again, politely brushing my hand off of his leg.
"Kevin...I really like the fact that you shared this place with me. It means a lot to me."
"I've got another place, not far from here, that I'd love to share with you too, baby." I said, and I leaned forward to kiss him lightly on the lips.
He chuckled, and said, "Oh really? And what magical place is this...'baby'?" I took the key out of my pocket and showed it to him. "Annnnnd, what's that?"
"It's a key." I said with a sensual smile.
"I can SEE that!" Rory grinned. "A key to what?"
This is it. Might as well put it out there and stop being shy about this. "Kyle's house is totally empty right now. And it will be for the next few hours. I thought...you know...you and me could go back there, go to his bedroom and just...you know...whatever happens...happens." I didn't want to give off some kind of 'rapist' vibe or anything, but...I didn't want to be too vague about what I wanted either. We've got a place to do it...so...let's 'do it'. No more thinking. I put the ball in his court, let's see how he reacts to it.
It changed right in front of my eyes. And not in a god way.
I regretted making such a slutty proposition the second I saw the hurt in his eyes. I wish I could take it back, but I think it was a bit too late for that now.
"Kevin...what is this?" He asked. "What are you doing?"
"I'm....I'm just saying...like, if we needed a place to go..."
"A place to go for what?" He asked, his voice ending in a hurtful whimper.
"I...I thought you might want to..."
Rory's eyes teared up and he swung his legs around to get off of the rocks by the lake and he began to walk away from me..
"WAIT!!! Rory! God, I'm sorry!"
"You're sorry?" He asked, a single tear streaming down his right cheek. "Was this your plan, all along? This is why you asked me to come out to the lake today?"
"No! I was just saying..."
"I KNOW what you were just saying, Kevin. And you know what? FUCK you!" He sobbed. "Is this what you think of me? Is this how you plan to treat me?"
"Rory, please don't get me wrong. I was just...I was trying to show you that I was...you know...interested."
I didn't realize how much I had hurt him until I saw the tears fall from his eyes. I don't think I've ever felt like more of a jackass.
"Why would you do this to me? This is SO not like you..." Rory sniffled.
"I don't know. I just..."
"So that's what you want from me now? That's what I am to you? You want to take me to some sleezy little corner of the park and fuck me? Is that it? Meaningless sex in some quiet little room where nobody will see us?"
"Rory, it's not like that at all..." I said, now starting to tear up myself.
"You know...don't bullshit me. Ok? Please don't. I can walk up to any random 'stranger' that I don't know or care about at ALL and have them take me to a strange bed and fuck me and treat me like some kind of whore. If all I wanted was a piece of ass and a dick to suck on, I could have walked out of my front door and found that without having to come way out here to spend the day with you! I came here because I care about you. Because I thought you cared about me too." He said, so hurt that he could barely even look at me. "I thought we were building something....'real', Kevin. You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel worth more than something based solely on my being physically 'pretty'. Why would you do this? Why did you spoil it all by treating me like...some kind of fuck toy?"
He had it all wrong. I NEVER though of him that way! NEVER! I was just trying to take things to the next level. I never meant to hurt Rory. I would NEVER do that! "Please...let me explain..." I whimpered. "I was just trying to get closer to you. That's all. I was afraid that I wasn't close enough to satisfy you. I thought you wanted more..."
"WHY???" He wailed. "What made you feel like I wanted anything more from you than your companionship? I mean...I don't understand. I thought you were happy..."
"I WAS happy!" I said. "Or....at least...I thought I was happy! I just...it's complicated..."
"How is it complicated?"
"I just...I was totally happy with us being together, Rory. I really was. Then...my friends got involved...and they told me I wasn't happy. They said I was gonna screw everything up and that I'd end up being totally alone if I didn't do something NOW! And I just....I got caught up in what they were telling me, and I...I just..."
Rory sniffled, "Wait....so you were happy...then people told you that you weren't happy, and that you'd end up alone...? I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense to me at all..."
"It's a long story. The bottom line is...I didn't want to LOSE you, ok? I didn't want to come off as some lame boyfriend that was never going to commit to you and be anything more than a phone call and a smile. I want to be more than that, Rory. SO much more! And I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm willing to figure it out, if only you'll give me enough time to really be the guy that you want me to be. You know...before some other random boy comes along and..."
He waited a moment, and asked, "...And what?"
"And takes you away from me..." I said. "If I don't give you what you want...you're just going to leave me behind. I mean, why would you stay? Why would you have any feelings for me at all?"
I said it in a moment of weakness, but to be totally honest, I think that hurt him more than what I said before. Rory wiped his eyes as best as he could, and he said, "Kevin...there are a LOT of guys out there who might look at me and think that their lust for me is flattering enough to get my attention. But it isn't. It never will be." He touched my arm, and the shame I felt caused me to weep openly in front of him. "I like you, Kevin. I enjoy talking to you. I like the fact that I mean more to you than some 'hook up' on the weekends. Boys approach me all the time, just looking for some quick roll in the hay that doesn't ultimately turn out to be anything worth mentioning. But you? You listen to me. You care about my feelings. You talk to me and make me laugh and comfort me when I'm feeling weird. I really enjoyed what we had. Maybe we're not trading blowjobs every other day, but...you MEAN something to me. I wanted to mean something to you too."
"You DO, Rory! I promise!" I told him. "I just...I thought I was doing this all wrong. Kyle and Jason...they kept telling me that I was being a dork and that I'd eventually end up alone if I didn't do something to fix it...."
"Well, who CARES what they think?" He said. "Maybe you and I are just weird enough to make a relationship like this work out for the best. Maybe they understand, and maybe they don't, but who gives a shit? Nobody else matters except for you and me. Nobody. Follow your heart, and I'll follow mine, and somehow...we'll make something beautiful together." He told me. "But if you want me to just be your hotel whore...I can't do that, Kevin. That's not who I am. And that's not what I'm looking for. Jason and Kyle...do you really think they would stick around and be my boyfriend if I wasn't giving them the chance to fuck me? Would they remain loyal to me if I wasn't giving them sex? No offense, but they're about as shallow and as void of human emotion as anyone that I've ever seen. You actually CARE about people, Kevin. You care about me. They don't. When Kyle and Jason are in a committed relationship with someone they really care about, then they can weigh in on you and me. Until then, they're just trying to bang as many boys as they can in a hurry so they can justify being so 'alone'. I'm not alone. I've got you. And, if you're willing to stop being such a creep about things...you've got me too." He smiled at the end, and I think it took a bit of the sting off of the humiliation I was experiencing at that moment. That's when he told me, "You're good enough for me, Kevin. YOU are who I fell in love with. There's nothing that I would change about you at all. As long as you stay you...I'll always be happy with what I've got. Ok?"
I looked into Rory's eyes, and I started to apologize. "God...I am so so SOOOOO...."
"Shhh! Don't. Just...give me a kiss on the lips, and I'll consider it forgotten."
"Really?" I asked. "It's that easy?"
"Yep. It's that easy." He answered. "Lucky for you, I am head over heels for you and I'm not thinking clearly. Hehehe, so you could pretty much punch me in the face and I'd still find you totally adorable."
"Can I test that theory?" I giggled, and he adopted a kung fu stance in response.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and I gave him a sweet kiss on his beautiful lips.
"I'm sorry." I said.
"Be sorry, later. Right now, we've got a sunset to appreciate. If you promise to behave yourself, I'll let you hold my hand." He smirked.
"You know...." I said. "...That may just be the most erotic part of m day. I'll take it." That said, Rory leaned his head against mine, and we let our tears dry in the afternoon sun. Maybe Kyle and Jason are going to give me the business for not sleeping with Rory like I had planned...but that didn't matter anymore. I'm not messing things up. And I'm not going to be alone. I've got something worth keeping in Rory...something worth the emotion I put into it. And if they can't understand that...then so what? It only makes my connection to Rory all the more special. Because they don't get it. They're trying to make it something that they can understand...and they just can't. Rory is my sweetheart. And I'm his. And there's nothing more to it than that.
I don't plan to let them make me feel strange about this anymore. I've learned my lesson. It's time I dealt with my feelings on my own. Rory's opened the door. He's extended the invitation.
It's my turn to accept.