Saturday - There's something wrong. I just KNOW there is.
I tried calling Sam twice this morning, and he didn't pick up the phone. And I know he and Joanna didn't go to the mall today, because Lee already told me that she had a dentist appointment today to get her teeth cleaned. So there's no way that they're spending time together today. And unless Sam has something specific to do, he always just kinda lounges around the house all day. I've been friends with him to know his habits, and this isn't normal at all.
Is he watching the caller ID? Does he not wanna talk to me?
I have to admit, I'm kinda panicking right now. I mean...sure he was being nice about the fact that I just told him that I'm....you know...'gay'. But what else was he gonna do with me standing right there? I mean...sighhh...what if he was just trying to find a safe way to get the hell away from me yesterday? Or...or what if it was just the shock of it all that was making him be so cool about it? He's had a chance to actually think about it now. To work the whole thing out in his mind and see what it really means to him, and to me, and to our friendship. What if he decides that he can't deal with it? What if he starts pulling away from me just because he doesn't want to be associated with the 'gay kid'? He knows I've done stuff with another boy before...so if they see me with him, they might think he's gay too. What if that's what he's thinking? That people will think he's gay just because I am?
What if he realizes that I used to be in LOVE with him???
Well....I mean, we were always more like brothers than anything else, but...there was definitely a time when I was literally swooning over him every single day of my life. As a matter of fact, that's when we became the closest. We spent every day together, slept over at each other's houses, walked together, talked together, played together, phoned each other...I did anything and everything that I possibly could to keep him by my side every minute of the day. If he really thinks about this thing too much, and starts putting two and two together..he's gonna know for sure! Awww, shit! That's gonna ruin EVERYTHING between us! He's gonna run away from me for CERTAIN if he thinks that I'm trying to get in his pants! Or even worse...he's gonna think that the only reason we were ever friends was because I was trying to get it on with him. And...and it's NOT! I SWEAR it's not! I love Sam for a LOT of reasons! Him being extremely cute was only one of them, and it wouldn't have held much weight if he hadn't been so awesome.
Ok...I'm literally shaking right now. Why the fuck did I have to open up my big mouth and TELL him??? I could have lied! I could have told him he was crazy! He ASKED me if it was totally crazy! He would have believed me if I just laughed it off, right? Shit...I fucked up. I fucked up big time! I'm gonna call him again. It's almost two o'clock now...I'm just...I'm gonna try to call his house again. I'll be right back.
- - - - - - - Sighhhh....he's STILL not answering! Not even his Mom is answering! Shit...what if he told his MOM! Now I won't be able to look HER in the face either. Like she won't be able to easily see that I've been trying to molest her son since the fourth grade! No matter how I look at this situation, it ALWAYS turns out badly!
You know, I don't get it. I thought the hardest part about coming out to someone you love and trust was the simple act of 'telling' them you're gay? But more and more I'm starting to realize that the aftermath of telling somebody you're gay is actually a lot worse. Because once you split up and go your separate ways, all you can think about is what might be going through the other person's head in your absence. You wonder what's going to change, and what's gonna stay the same. And then your mind goes wild with 'worst case scenarios' until you're so shaken up that you can hardly breathe any more!
OOH!!! Phone's ringing!!!
- - - - - - - FUCK!!! Damn weekend telemarketing asshole sons of bitches!!!
I need to get my mind off of this! I need to get out of this house! Yeah...that's it. I'm getting out of here. Umm...I'm gonna call Jimmy. I said that I would talk to him soon anyway, might as well be this weekend. Because if I don't stop thinking about Sam hating me for being a homo, I'm gonna drive myself CRAZY!!!
- - - - - - - Shit! Jimmy can't hang out today. He's spending time with Mr. Wonderful today. I swear..Jimmy gets so easily 'penis whipped', you know? It's like, he gets a boyfriend, and all of the sudden you never see or hear from him any more. Does everybody have to completely abandon their lives every time they find somebody to be happy with? I mean, come on!
Then again...maybe that's what I always do wrong. Maybe if I had spent all my time with Brandon instead of tramping around with Bobby Jinette, I'd be over at his house today, wrapped up in his arms and kissing the side of his neck right now. Hell, even Joanna said that I was never there. I just...ugh..my whole life can't STOP for one person. I don't know how to get better at stuff like that. Who knows? Maybe I'm the one who's got it backwards That's gotta be it. It makes me wonder, which one is more selfish? Completely ignoring the whole world to kiss and cuddle with one person all of the time? Or ignoring the whole world to be alone and do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it? Weirdness.
I should try to call Sam again....no wait...I JUST called him. I should wait. I'll wait, like, another ten...no TWENTY minutes! No wait..like...an hour. I'll wait an hour. So I won't seem all creepy and desperate. So...yeah, an hour. I can do that. I can...definitely...do that.
Anyway, so Jimmy and his new boyfriend Alex are going to the park today, and Jimmy says he's not coming home today without getting at least a French kiss from him before the day is over. From what I hear, this Alex boy is a bit on the shy side, but Jimmy's working to warm him up as fast as he can. He's so horny for this boy that it's almost kinda funny. Hehehe, I can always hear it when Jimmy 'squirms and wiggles' on the other end of the phone. Unlike my current run in with Sam...coming out of the closet seems to be the best thing that could have ever happened to Jimmy. I never thought I'd see the day when he was so overjoyed and giggling and just...in love to the point of almost floating right off of his feet. I wonder if he had to go through this period of...'adjustment' once he realized that other people knew how he felt.
Then again...his situation was much more traumatic than mine...but I can't help but to imagine that certain things about my life would be a lot easier if only I didn't have this deep dark secret looming over me all the time.
So Jimmy wants me to meet this amazing hottie on Tuesday after school when they go to the mall to pick Alex out a birthday present for his dad He practically begged me to finally absorb some of this glorious love magic of his. I don't have anything else to do, so I figured I'd go. Curiosity alone was enough to push me in the right direction. Besides, anybody that could cheer Jimmy up after his break up with Lee has got to be one hell of a catch.
Speaking of Lee...I got to talk to him on the phone earlier today. Just to make sure that Joanna really was going to the dentist and that Sam wasn't just out with her somewhere. He put on the sweetest little pout face that I could just hear in his voice, and he was like, "You're still pissed at me, aren't you?"
And I'm like, "No! Lee, dude...I was never pissed at you. I MEAN it! The party was all my idea, it's not your fault that I got busted. Besides, that's not even what I got grounded for. It was like a bonus punishment that got stacked on top of something else That's all."
But Lee insisted, "So? I wanna buy us a pizza or something anyway. I got a coupon for free delivery that ends this month, some cash burning a hole in my pocket, and a desperate need to hang out with someone who isn't kissing her boyfriend the whole time. Hehehe, so what do you say? When can we get together?"
It's not that I didn't want to hang out with Lee. I would be an IDIOT to not want to hang out with Lee! I just...I dunno. Lee has a way of melting anybody's heart at will. Everything he does is so adorable that you can't help but develop this weird temporary crush on him whenever you're anywhere near him. And if we spend time alone together, I just know that I'm gonna end up being all girly and weird around him...and....
With Brandon gone...I really don't want to 'feel' anything for a while. You know?
I know that's gotta sound pretty strange, but it's true. Having my heart pump out adrenaline over anybody else would be like a betrayal of my feelings for him. God, I'm such a hypocrite for even writing that, considering the fact that I 'cheated' on him. Funny how much your perspective differs when it comes to something as simple as believing whether or not you'll get caught doing something despicable.
So I told him maybe next weekend, and he says, "I'm gonna hold you to that, Billy. You better not 'scab' me on this one, dude. Hehehe!" And I agreed. We talked for a bit...but I was kinda trying to free up the phone just in case Sam tried to call me and ask me to come over. Which he...uh...didn't.
Arrrgh! It's only been 11 minutes??? How long IS an hour these days, anyway? Jesus! I'm gonna play a video game or something to pass the time until I try Sam again. I'll write more tomorrow. Hopefully with good news...
Wish me luck.