Friday - Well, usually I'm practically 'skipping' out of school on Friday afternoon, because I'm so happy to have the weekend to look forward to.
I don't know if there's much to rejoice in this time around.
Gee...where do I even start?
How about this? Short and sweet....I made plans to tell Bobby the truth about me and Brandon. Well...the truth about me and 'someone else', anyway. I've actually committed myself to the confession now, so there's no squirming out of it now. I'm keeping my word, and I'm gonna tell him. I just didn't want to do it in school, that's all. If things go...um...'wrong'....then I want it to be someplace private, you know? So when I saw Bobby in the locker room today, giving me that hopeful 'please talk to me' look...I decided to walk over and say hello. I just wanted to keep things simple until the other boys went out to the gym before talking to him straight. And then I said, "Bobby...dude, we need to talk, ok?"
And he said, "Ok. I think so too. Um...you go first."
But I had to tell him, "Actually, I don't wanna do it here. Not in school. Do you think maybe we can talk this weekend or something?" I knew that I'd have to actually go over to his house or meet him somewhere. I couldn't really talk on the phone about it, not with my mom around. And breaking up with someone in an email is just plain fucking HEARTLESS!!! So I asked him, "Will you have any time tomorrow to get together?"
Arrrrgh! The look on his face was NOT what I was expecting! He got, like....all HAPPY on me! As though I had just fired the starter pistol again and that things were gonn start up all over again. He's like, "SURE!!! Actually, if you wanna come over around three o'clock, that'd be PERFECT! Hehehe, I'll be sure to clean up the house a bit before you get there!"
And I told him, "Bobby, we're JUST gonna talk! Ok?"
His face drooped a little bit, but he nodded with a grin and said, "Yeah, I know. That's cool. I just wanna....listen to your voice for a while. It soothes me, you know?" No no NO! He's not supposed to fall in love again! He's supposed to stop and think and worry! Like....'uh oh, maybe I've got this all wrong'. Right? I mean if someone has been avoiding you and says they wanna talk, you automatically assume that it's over. I would...I think. Whatever, I just didn't know how to keep Bobby from getting his hopes up. After the note he left me in the locker, he probably thinks that I'm just responding the way he wanted me to, and that I'm gonna apologize and make everything all better. I didn't know how to fix that. Not there in the gym locker room. Anything that I could have said would have definitely caused him to ask questions that I wasn't prepared to answer there where anybody late to class could have walked in and heard us. You know? So, God help me, I just kinda nodded and put my gym shirt on as I got ready to go out with everybody else. Bobby kept that damn cheesy grin on his face for the entire period. He couldn't even look at me without blushing, and he looked at me every thirty seconds. I don't know how he kept enough blood flowing to the rest of his body to keep him conscious! Shit...this is REALLY gonna hurt him tomorrow, isn't it? I'd better plan an escape route. Just in case he runs at me with a butcher knife or something.
I saw Brandon for a very short time at lunch today. He actually scheduled some time to do some work in the computer lab today. I asked him, "What the hell did you go and do THAT for?"
And he's like, "I thought you were gonna spend lunch time with Sam and Joanna today."
I'm like, "I never said that." But he just smiled at me and told me that I should. Sighhhh...whatever. It's not like I could resist that pretty smile of his for long anyway. I have been wanting that boy BAD lately! I wish I could just...live in his basement or something for a while so we could have sex eight times a day and not worry about these long gaps between getting so much as a KISS from him. He's KILLING me here! I guess that's the downside to having a REALLY cute boyfriend in high school when you're both in the closet. I am totally gonna ravage him the next time we find a quiet place to do it. Anyway, I guess Brandon made other plans today, and I wasn't ready to really make an appearance at Sam's lunch table just yet, which means eating by myself in the courtyard. That certainly sucked, but at least I got my English paper finished ahead of time. So I'm homework free tonight.
I've only got one more week of tutoring time with Simon after school, so the countdown begins. It's strange, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, Simon could be really focused, and he did help me a little more thn I gave him credit for originally. Shit...a part of me almost missed him. We did have some fun times before, you know?
Anyway, even though we were going through the work pages like we always did, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering back and forth about whether or not he had figured me out. I'm not sure how he could do that so easily, but I was watching him to see if he gave any indication that he knew. The student center was pretty empty today, and some kind of insane moment came over me where I wondered if I could just ask him. He ws talking to me, and pushing up his glasses on his nose, and brushing some of his blond hair off of his forehead, and I just...I don't know...I guess I let my paranoia get the best of me.
So I asked him.
I said, "Simon...if what you asked me was true...I mean...what if I was gay? Would it matter?" You know, I literally wanted to run out of the room when I heard myself say it. I don't know what the hell I was THINKING! When Simon looked up at me, I thought I was gonna be sick from having my stomach turn backflips like that. "What I MEANT to say is..."
And he stopped me and said, "I TOLD you, it doesn't matter." Then he put his pen down and turned a bit in his seat. Which made me EXTREMELY nervous! I wasn't looking forward to having a conversation about it, I was just gonna ask that one question and wait a couple of weeks until I gathered the courage to ask him another one later. That's all. He said, "Billy, if you wanna talk about it..."
And I heard myself say, "Talk about what? There's nothing to talk about. I just wanted to know if you thought I was a freak or something. That's all." I think that some kind of heterosexual defense system snapped back into place, and everything shut down almost instantly. I didn't even wanna look him in the eye. To be honest, I think he was disappointed. Like he wanted to 'help' me or something. I still sometimes wonder if I could have gotten him naked that one day if I hadn't gone so fast. Just think, Simon came very close to being my virgin experience. Hehehe! But, whatever. Despite this growing need to talk to somebody, I don't know if I want anybody else to know. I mean...Brandon knows, Bobby knows, and AJ knows. Already, that's three people, which is hard enough to keep track of. Any one of them could out me at any time, and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I'm being suspended in mid air by the people I told, and wondering if one of them is gonna suddenly drop me on my head any minute. It's frightening. The last thing I need is to increase that fear by giving even MORE people the chance to drop me.
But for what it's worth...I take comfort in knowing that Simon said it didn't matter if I was gay. Even if he was just saying that to sound...'mature' or something.
When I left my tutoring session, Simon told me again that if I ever wanted to just 'talk' some time, that I still had his number. But his eyes had this concerned parent look in them, you know? I wasn't looking for him to pity the poor little homo-teen, or anything. I just asked him a simple question. I was happy to get away from that awkwardness. And yet, as soon as I left the building, I ran right into more of it on the street in front of me. My dad's car was parked right in front of the door, and he was sitting inside looking for me to come out. It was too late to run back inside and pretend that he hadn't seen me, so I just rolled my eyes a bit and walked towards the car.
He unlocked the door and let me in. I felt so stupid for letting him catch me off guard, but he was generally happy to see me. He's like, "Your mother told me you had tutoring classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I figured you'd might like a ride home." I kinda mumbled a thanks, but it was kinda hard to look at him. I was shrugged so far away from him in my seat that I was practically pressing my face against the glass. "I got you something to eat. Two chilli dogs from Freddie's Diner, light on the onions, cheese on the side, just like you like 'em." He handed me the bag, damn they smelled good. I had almost forgotten what Freddie's chilli dogs smelled like. "You remember when we used to grab these every Friday? And maybe catch a movie at the old cineplex?"
I nodded and said, "Yeah."
He said, you know, "I've got nothing planned for tonight. Why don't we just drive by and see what's playing?"
It felt like a plot. Like I was being set up to take his side in the next fucked up argument or something. I don't know if he was doing it subconsciously or if this was a deliberate strategy meant to win me over...but whatever it was, his affection never felt so fake to me. And that hurt more than I can explain.
I just told him, "I'm sorry. I've kinda got...plans. So..."
And he says, "Oh. Well, yeah, sure. I understand that. You and your friends getting together?"
I said, "Yeah. Yeah, that's it." And I kept looking out the window, not saying much until he drove me all the way home. I didn't want to be in that car. I didn't want to be in his presence. And yet, I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and I just wanted him to come back home. Because this was too weird for me to deal with it like this. He kinda talked about work and asked me about school, but it was mostly just a very 'professional' conversation. I think he had it in his mind that we would sit in the car and talk for a moment when he pulled up to my front door. But I couldn't get out of that car fast enough. The tension was suffocating me. I just said, "I'll see you later, k?"
He's like, "Wait, how about you swing by my apartment tomorrow? Maybe we can rent a few videos and catch up a little bit."
I told him, "Sorry, I've got plans tomorrow too." I closed the door, but he rolled down the window.
"I love you, Billy. Ok? I mean it." He says, and it's like I could feel it in the back of my throat.
So I said, "Love you too." And I hurried to get in the house. It was the one safehaven that I knew he wouldn't dare enter. Not anymore. Not until this stuff was fixed and overwith. I don't know how I feel about that whole thing, but I wanted to write it here in this book so I'd remember it happening. I guess it's important.
Anyway, there's just one more thing that I want to add before I shut down for the night. I got a very short return message from Lee tonight. Usually there's something cute or witty about his every word, but this time, the single line seemed completely lifeless. I told him that I couldn't go with him to the movies tonight, and I'm pretty sure that he knows why. The message simply said,
"I see...sorry I asked."
And that was it. So now it looks as if I've gotta try to patch things up with HIM tomorrow too. Sigh, I wish these little complicated pieces of life didn't happen all at once. I'm gonna stop writing now before a truck drives through my living room window and gives me something else to write about. Seeya later.