Monday - FUCK!!!
I left my homework at home!!! It was just a MISTAKE! I swear to God! I was working on it last night on my desk...and I left it inside my textbook. It was sitting RIGHT there on my desk, and while I was eating breakfast, I forgot to put it in my backpack! So I went to school without, and naturally my teacher didn't even believe that I even did it. Gave me the same fucking dirty look that I was expecting to get from her! Avoiding that fucking dirty ass look was the only reason I wasted time doing that stupid assignment in the first place!
Why is it that teachers ALWAYS assume that you're just being lazy when you try to explain what happened? Like I'm just gonna go home and hurry up and do it to pass it in for late credit tomorrow! I DID it last night, dammit! I SWEAR I did! But she won't fucking believe me, which means all that hard work was fucking wasted! I did all that work for NOTHING! Why should I even DO my homework if they're just gonna fucking call me a liar every time I try to explain what happened. Sighhh.....whatever...
More important things on my mind these days...
So, I talked to Bobby today. And it didn't go exactly the way I expected it to go. In fact, it was more than a mild shock to the system, believe me. Evidently, things are going in a totally different direction from what I was expecting.
Basically, I talked to him before gym class (He was waiting for me outside of my classroom this time. Not just in the hallway on the way to the gym locker room), and he totally surprised me! He was hugging his books to his chest, grinning like a school girl or something. I thought it was kinda weir, but Bobby's never really been known for being 'too normal' anyway. I didn't think much about it at first, I just figured that he was a bit more anxious than usual to see me. So I said hello and we started walking to gym together. He's like, "So...do you want me to hand you the keys now, or do you want me to give them to you tomorrow? I'd rather just give them to you now and you can just come straight from school with the first bell. I don't wanna waste any time, you know?" I guess he could see the look on my face, cause he asked me, "What?"
I'm like, "Bobby...we've gotta talk, dude. Ok?" I just couldn't do it any more I thought I could before. The idea of being with Bobby and having lots of awesome sex with a hottie would be great! Especially with a loving boyfriend that I could come back to and actually feel all the wonderful things that I wanted to feel from a committed relationship. But it was too much of a good thing. I felt like shit, and it made it hard for me to look Brandon in the eye. Hard to talk to him without worrying about saying the wrong thing. Hard to sleep at night knowing what I had done, and worrying about what would happen if Brandon ever found out. It was just plain stupid. A stupid, STUPID, teenage hormone thing that was working hard to fuck up EVERYTHING that I was trying to build with my boyfriend. And a few long afternoons of sex, even with Bobby Jinette...just wasn't worth it, you know? It just wasn't worth it.
We couldn't really talk much in the halls with everybody walking around us. So I took Bobby into a nearby courtyard and stood behind the wall where no teachers could walk by and see us. Bobby seemed confused by it all. He was like, "What is it? What's going on?"
I told him, "Bobby...look...I can't come over tomorrow. Ok?"
He gave me a weird look, and he was like, "What are you talking about?"
And I'm like, "I...I just can't ok."
He pauses for a second, and then he goes, "Well...we might be able to do it on Thursday or something if you want. I mean, we won't have as much time, because my mom will be home earlier..."
I had to stop him right there. "No, Bobby. I mean...I can't come over...any more. Like...ever." Which made him give me this almost hurt look.
He's all, "What did I do?"
And I'm like, "You didn't do anything, Bobby...I just...I have a boyfriend. You KNOW I have a boyfriend."
He says, "What's THAT got to do with anything? I thought you and me were having fun."
I said, "We are. We...we WERE. But, I can't do it any more. This doesn't feel right."
Bobby's like, "Billy...come on...he's NOT gonna find out." I tried to argue with him, but he wouldn't even let me speak. "Shhh...listen...listen...Brandon doesn't know anything about you and me. Nada. And he WON'T. So just...come over, and you can be MY baby for a little while. And then, when we're done, if you still feel like you want to go back to Brandon, then you can go. Just...stop worrying so much about getting caught."
Bobby reached out to touch me, but I brushed his hand away. And I told him, flat out, "It's not about getting caught, Bobby. Ok?" He wrinkled up his forehead, and I said, "I love him. I'm in LOVE...with Brandon. And I don't want to cheat on him. I don't want to risk breaking his heart, and I don't want to throw away our relationship for..sex."
There was a long silence, where Bobby looked at me with a mixture of hurt and anger. He's like, "It's NOT just sex, Billy. I know you care about me. You're just trying to avoid it. You're always saying that you're in love with Brandon, but you KNOW how you really feel. Why is it so hard for you to admit it?"
I'm like, "What are you talking about? Admit what?"
And he actually said, "That you're in love with me. You know you are. And that's ok Billy. I love you too. I've been in love with you for, like, forever."
WHAT??? How mental IS this kid? "Bobby...no. That's not it at all."
He said, "Yes it is. You're afraid to say it, and you're afraid to hurt Brandon's feelings. I get it. And I think that's sweet. But Billy...I'm telling you that you can have me. You can have me any time you want me. I'm right here. And kissing you is all I ever think about. So why are we even wasting time with pretending that we don't share the same feelings, and just be serious boyfriends already?"
He's CRAZY! He's completely off his fucking rocker! You know? I tried to tell him, "You have this all backwards, dude. Listen to me...I'm in love with Brandon. Period. End of story. And we can't get together for sex any more."
He's like, "It wasn't just sex..."
And I'm like, "YES, IT WAS! And it's OVER! You hear me?" I didn't want to raise my voice too much in a somewhat public place like this...but what else was I gonna do? He wouldn't let it go.
That's when Bobby said, "Whatever. Just get there early, alright?"
And I said, "I'm not coming."
And you know what he fucking SAID to me? He says, "You are if you want me to keep my mouth shut. Hehehe!"
And he actually GIGGLES like it's funny! I'm like, "WHAT???"
He's like, "What? Come on...you didn't really think that I was just gonna let you...stop, did you?" I was TOTALLY outdone! I couldn't believe what was coming out of Bobby's mouth. He said, "I really LIKE you, Billy. Seriously. I know you've got a problem with admitting how you feel about me, and that's cool. But as far as both of us getting together to have some fun...well..." He shrugs his shoulders and tells me, "...You keep me satisfied, I keep you satisfied, and Brandon doesn't have to know about it. That's the deal."
I said, "That's NOT the deal, and you fucking KNOW it!"
So he's all like, "Well...it's the deal now. I'm changing it." He looked down at his shoes like he was trying to hide his eyes from me, and he just hoists his backpack up on his shoulder. "We're gonna be late to gym."
I'm like, "Bobby!!! What are you doing? Knock it off!"
But he just says, "No! Why should I be all alone while you have everything? All I have is you. And I want this to work."
I told him, "It's not GOING TO work!!! There's nothing TO 'work'! We're not boyfriends, Bobby! We never were!"
And he's all, "Well fine then. Tell Brandon. If it doesn't matter, then he won't really mind, right?" Bobby wasn't really being sadistic about it. If anything, he looked like he was scaring himself by what he was telling me, getting more bashful and quiet by the second. But he stood his ground, and wouldn't let it go. He peeked at me briefly, and then said, "I'm sorry, Billy. K? But I'm not...I'm not gonna just 'give up' and go back to being by myself. So....so yeah...be there. Early. I wanna spend the day with you. Here's my key." He gave them to me and hurried to walk back into the hallway with his head down. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He almost seemed ashamed for doing it to me, but it certainly didn't STOP him, did it? What the fuck am I gonna do? He's totally gonna rat me out to Brandon if I don't go! I shouldn't have done this in the first place! I should have stopped right after that first time! It just happened by ACCIDENT that first time! And me and Brandon weren't even boyfriends then! Shit! What can I do? Should I, like, threaten to beat the shit out of him if he tells? Bobby's far from being a tough guy. I....I think I could take him in a fight if I had to. Well...maybe. Who knows? I don't fight that much. Not enough to know whether I can depend on my skills one way or the other. Plus...if I threaten him, I might have to...kinda...make good on my threat at some point. What happens if Bobby has a growth spurt or something and ends up kicking my ass? THEN what?
Ahhhh dammit! I KNEW this was gonna be trouble! I should try talking some sense into him. Like...as a friend. He's already on the ropes about resorting to blackmail anyway. How hard could it be to convince him to let me go and keep quiet?
See? I wouldn't have this problem if Jimmy would just stop being scared and try dating him already! In fact, I'm gonna call him right now and see if I can get him to consider it. I'll write more later.