Birthday: May 2nd, 1975
Location: Chicago, IL
Fave Teen Idols: Eddie Furlong, Jeremy Foley (Dante's Peak), Taylor Hanson, Mooky Arizona, Elijah Wood, Devon Sawa, Brock Pierce, Wil Wheaton, and I still have a place in my heart for Macauley.
Favorite Food: Chinese. And Italian (Of course! It's Chicago!)
Favorite Movies: Terminator 2, Nightmare on Elm Street, Blade, Star Wars, Titanic, Clerks, Chasing Amy, Austin Powers, Aliens, Halloween, and Blues Brothers.
Favorite Music: I listen to EVERYTHING! Bob Marley, D'Angelo, Everclear, Fugees, Ras Kass, Ice Cube, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, Third Eye Blind, Prodigy, Brian Mcknight, Prince, 112, Method Man, Wu-Tang Clan, Hanson, Duke Ellington, Curtis Mayfield, Marvin Gaye, Billy Joel, Sheryl Crow, BB King....like I said....EVERYTHING! (Well, not country or opera. But give it time!)
Favorite Video Games: (Of all time) Tekken 3, Street Fighter 2, Joust, Goldeneye, Double Dragon, NFL Blitz, Doom, Mortal Kombat 2, Mario.
Greatest Asset: An open mind.
Greatest Weakness: I give advice a lot better than I take it! Oh, and I'm never happy with myself. (I still find things I wish I could do better in every story on this site! That's why I never re-read them once they're written.)
Worst Bad Habit Biting my nails. I had stopped one time when I had braces (I guess I kind of HAD to!), but once they came off, 'The Hunger' returned!!!
Why did you choose the name "Comicality"? Well, it started with Mortal Kombat 2 and 3 when they had all the new fatalities and stuff in it. They had 'Babalities', 'Animalities', and other things. So, me being the crazy half wit that I am, 'Comicality' just seem to fit. It's "Death by wackiness". Now you know.
Are you out of the closet? Not at all. Nobody suspects, simply because I'm straight acting. And since I'm bisexual, I do actually have a history with women and people can vouch for me. I'm not really sure what my views on my 'coming out' are right now. If I decide to do it, it'll be for good reason. But I'm happy with my life right now...really! I'm not perfect in any way, nor have I reached complete happiness in life, but I wouldn't change a thing about my life right now, or my past.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? I was 13 years old, and it was with a friend (male) who lived across the street from me. My first time with a girl came six or seven months later on my mom's living room couch!
Do you still talk to Ryan? Is he a real person? As it says in my "Notes" section, 'Ryan' is a real person, even though I changed his name. He looked exactly the way I described him (Actually, he resembles a younger version of that guy on 'Dawson's Creek' these days.) and I did have a few huge crushes on him throughout my life. We're still friends, but we're not as close. We don't talk that much anymore because we don't go to the same school everyday like in high school. But that's kind of how I like it...no need for the extra temptation!
What are you doing right now? Hehehe! I liked this question, because it just struck me as kind of odd for a permanent Q&A! I don't remember what I was doing when this one was sent to me, but chances are it was lounging around the house procrastinating and trying to forget about whatever responsibilities I was supposed to be taking care of! Kind of like I am right now!
You said you got to meet Eddie Furlong, what was it like? He was AWESOME!!!!! He's even cuter in person than he is in the movies! It was in a Johnny Rockets on my first trip to California (Somewhere around Van Nuys and Hollywood). I didn't say much outside of hello, but what would I have said? He seemed really sweet and shook my hand and everything! I'll always remember that!
Boxers or Briefs? (Blushing) Okay....believe it or not, briefs. Sorry, but boxers are a bit "loose in the saddle" for my tastes. They look good on other guys, but I can't wear them. If you MUST know! :)
Have you ever written professionally? If not, do you think you could now? No, I have never written anything for money or for publication. It's always been for my enjoyment and for other people to read. I've actually gotten some cool offers from publishers over the net since the website has been getting so popular. But they either wanted me to shut down the site (So only THEY could have my stories!), or they wanted me to change the ages of my characters, or take out the sex, or change my style, or some other kind of 'adjustment'. Some were really cool, but needed a total dedication from me, and with my schedule, it's hard for me to make that promise. Others actually wanted to CHARGE for my work! That's not what it's for. I enjoy getting letters from teens or people my age or even my dad's age who write to me and tell me how I've made them feel good about life and love in some way. That's the only payment I need to keep writing. Okay, now I'm just starting to sound like a cheesy movie star or something! Forget that last part!
Why don't you add pictures to the site? Here's the thing...I've already had one of my sites cancelled by Tripod because of its content. That was text only, and the site wasn't nearly as pretty (or as popular) as it is now. The problem with putting pictures on the site, and this may just be paranoia on my part, is that I don't want to get caught up in the attention that it might draw. That is, there is a very thin line between kid pics and kiddy porn and that line seems to get thinner and thinner everyday. It's simply a problem that I don't want to deal with. I've seen boylover sites shut down with pictures of fully clothed teenage boys on it, and then there are sites with borderline hard core that seem to last forever. I'd rather not be involved in that little net war, and just concentrate on delivering good content and thoughtful stories if I can.
Can you please push the "New Kid In School" chapters closer together? Two weeks is way too long! A LOT of people have asked me this question, so I'm going to put the answer right here for you guys. NO! Hehehe! Okay, wait...there's more! Seriously though, when I tell you that I'm a busy guy...I'm not just making that up. I've got work, school, homework, friends, family, and other projects to make time for. Not to mention drinking! I'm still young, you know. Don't want to be stuck behind this keyboard all day long! By the time all of that is done and I get a chance to sit down at the webtv...I still have anywhere from ten to twenty emails to answer (sometimes as many as 30 or 50!). I really love being able to enlighten and entertain you guys with the stories, but remember it takes a LOT longer for me to write them than it does for you to read them. The reason the period between the chapters is two weeks is because it's a schedule that I can keep. That way, you guys know when to expect it and aren't left to check the site or ask everyday when it will be finished. If I promised to have it done every week, I'd fall behind in no time and would get so wrapped up in getting them done on time, the chapters wouldn't be any good. I'm glad that you guys are craving more, but take it easy on me! :)
Are you going to do any more celebrity stories? Considering that "Eddie and Me" gave me so much trouble, I don't think I'll be trying it again until I've gotten a little more experience. The story doesn't really seem to fit in with the others and (to me at least) is one of the splotches on my record. I have considered doing another one, but next time I'll be prepared for it better. I have a harder time trying to tailor a story to match a celebrity because they're real people and have to act and speak in a certain manner. There are some writers who are really good at it (some of the Hanson stories I've read are fantastic!), but I'm not one of them. There is an idea that I was playing with however a long time ago. It was a series that would feature a kid named Billy who's mom worked for a teen magazine, and there would be a constant supply of teen celebrity cameos. The idea might still happen, but not in the near future.
Are you ever going to put a chat room on the site? I'd love to talk to you sometime! I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that if everything went to plan you'll be able to see a brand new chat room for you guys to use to talk to each other one on one! The bad news is, that with webtv's limitations...I won't be able to join you guys, or even see what the conversation is. :( So I'm just going to have to trust you guys to be responsible and treat one another with the same kindness and care that you do on the message board. I decided to set it up for you guys because you do such an awesome job of helping each other out ad being understanding towards their problems, so I figure a chatrom would help you out even more. I realy wish that I could partcipate too, but it's not in the cards for me yet, maybe in the near future! It would be nice if you guys let me know everything that went on every once in a while, though!
Do you answer all of your email? I know you're busy. Yes. I have answered every email I've gotten from every single one of you. The only time someone doesn't get a reply from me, is when I send a reply and the email bounces back to me saying "address not found". Then there's no way for me to find you. A lot of people have three or four email addresses each and if one letter or number is out of place, I can't fix it. But I always get back to the sender eventually. Sometimes it takes some letters longer than others. It depends on what the email was about. Some only require quick replies or ask simple questions that I can answer in a few sentences or more. Some are a bit deeper or ask questions that need explanation, so I usually put those off until I have a chance to send an intelligent reply. But either way, you WILL get a letter from me. Also, for those of you who ever think you're bothering me...you're not! I LOVE to hear from you guys! Whether it's feedback on a story or a personal problem or if you just want to shoot the shit for a while. Make the email as long as you want! Make it ten pages if you feel like it! It's nice to have the love and attention, and I like getting to know you guys one by one!
Can I send you my story? Sure! I'd be honored to read it! I love writing, so naturally, I love reading! Understand though, with the many requests that I get to read stories from people, it will take longer for me to reply. Sometimes a week, sometimes two weeks, sometimes a month! Especially if you want me to give detailed feedback on it. But I do accept any works of literature and would be happy to tell you what I think. There's a lot of hidden talent out there! If you love reading these stories and have never written one before, try it...you might be surprised!
Do you participate on the message board? I try to make an appearance in "The Shack" whenever I can. If you ever see a bunch of replies or advice coming from me...then I must be on vacation! But normally, I only make small comments here and there and basically use the message board to communicate to those of you who aren't on the mailing list. But there are a lot of nice people there who are very non-judgemental and very helpful. They treat everyone like family, and I've never been so proud as I am to have them on my board! After five months of operation, there has never been a problem with rude comments, or flames, or attacks on one another! I truly think that it's the Utopia that a lot of gay people are searching for. Don't ever be afraid to post your inner most feelings and problems there, we're just here to help you. And you can get advice from a wide variety of people too! Many different states, many different countries, many different ages and with different levels of experience. Even if you've never been in a relationship before in your life, you still have an opinion, give it freely. You might be the one to help somebody out of a jam!
Have you ever had sex with a straight guy? To be totally honest, I don't know. That's the truth. There have been some that I would have thought were totally straight, but actually ended up coming on to me. Then there were those who I thought was just experimenting with gay sex, but did it with me many times and then went on to do it with other men. So it's kind of hard for me to tell. The only thing I can say is that I've never had sex with someone who didn't enjoy it. Hehe...that sounds kind of cocky, doesn't it? What I mean is, I've never had anybody say they were grossed out by it.
Be honest, would you do a minor if you had the chance? That's a hard question to answer. I'd love to say yes, that I'd bow down to my emotions and forget about society, all for the power of love. I'd love to say no, that I'd be strong no matter what the temptation and save myself the trouble and risk of possibly being ridiculed and outcast. But both of those answers might be lies if I was actually faced with the dilemma. I'm not sure what I'd do, but if the time was right, and the feelings were strong enough...maybe I could bring myself to do it. But it would take a LOT of work and strong temptation on his part! :) I'd probably fight it as long as I could though, that's just the way I'm "programmed".
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? How come? You making me an offer? Hehehehe! Actually, no. I haven't had one for a while now. I think it's mostly because of strong feelings that have risen over my best friend and over a guy that I work with. There's also a lady that I've fallen for who seems to have some feelings for me too. But I haven't told any of them how I feel (I give advice, but don't ever take my own). So I guess you could say that I'm sort of in a relationship with them. But that doesn't mean my eyes are closed. I never know when the man/woman of my dreams might tap me on the shoulder and sweep me off my feet!
About how many emails do you get a day? Sometimes you reply in a few days, and sometimes you reply the same night. Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not really sure. I've been watching it lately ever since you asked, and some days it's worse than others. I might get 10 or 12 on one day, and then 20 or 30 on another day. And a lot of times, while I'm answering letters, more email is steadily coming in. So it's kind of hard to count. But I love them all! As for my response time, what happens is that I can't answer my mail every day, so it usually builds up for two or three days and then I go right down the list and answer them all. So if I answer my mail on Thursday, and you wrote to me on Monday, then it will seem like three days later. But if you wrote it on Thursday morning, then the response comes back the same day. Also, if your email just needs a quick answer, or if you need a copy of a story, then a lot of times I'll just send it to you and you won't have to wait. But if you ask a personal question, it takes longer. If you ask for a detailed explanation of something, even longer, advice on a problem, longer still...and if you want me to read a story you've written...much longer, depending on the length.
Can we be pen pals? NO! I'm much too important for that! :) Of course! Write me whenever you feel like it, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'm still just a regular, everyday person, you know! Whenever you have a bad day, a crush on a friend, found some money, picked some interesting shape of lint out of your belly button, or whatever..just drop me a line and tell me all about it. I can relate (Except for the belly button thing!).
You seem really cool! Do you think we could meet?" Thank you very much! Takes one to know one dude! Now for the bad news. Understand that I love you guys, really I do, and nothing would make me happier than meeting up with you in some coffee shop and kicking it all day long. I'd love to go out drinking with you, or see a movie, or take part in some sensual orgy with all of you in some freaky basement on the other side of town! :) BUT...chances are it's not gonna happen. I lead a very private life for many different reasons, and although I know we could have fun together, I'd be risking a lot to meet up with you. I also need to worry about my safety. No offense to you guys, but I don't really know who any of you are, I only know who you SAY you are. And I'd be taking a big risk in believing everything I'm told! Besides, if something happens to me after a "New Kid" cliffhanger, then you'll never find out what happens!!! :) I know that a couple of you are in the Chicago area and have written me emails about meeting up, and it's too bad that I can't do it (You guys sound so sweet! And some I've been really tempted to meet!), but I'm a 'walker'. So I'm roaming the city streets all day long. Chances are you've past by me many times and didn't know it! So maybe if you're just super nice to every single person you meet on a daily basis and keep your eyes open, maybe you'll see me waving!
Are you really 23 years old? I actually get asked this question a lot, and it always baffles me. People say I don't 'sound' 23, but who does really? Yes, I am exactly who I say I am. Any time you guys ask me a question, I'll either tell you the honest truth, or I'll simply say "I can't tell you". People say that from the way I write and the views I have on the world, that I sound a lot older. Thank you, I'm flattered! Other people say that from the casual way I talk in my emails that I sound a lot younger. Thanks again! Actually I'm just a big kid at heart, and the use of the words "Man", "Dude", "Cool", and the rest is just a hard habit to break. Personality wise, I'm a lot goofier than most of you would probably expect. For those who have talked to me on chat know I go from serious, to sarcasm, to full blown silliness in a matter of seconds! But I swear to you that I am 23 years old (unless you read this after May 2nd, in which case I'll be 24).
You said you liked teen boys, men, and women. Do you also like teenage girls? Hmmm...good question. You know, I've never really thought about it. There have been many girls that are younger than me that I thought were cute, but it was more like puppy dog cute. Hehehe...wait, that didn't sound right! You know what I mean! I don't know if I would be physically attracted to girls that are younger than me, but I've never really thought about it before. You stumped me on this one! Hehehe...aren't you glad you asked?
What do you want to do in life? This is another question that I get a lot, and people are usually surprised by the answer. I really want to be a crack dealer. Just kidding. Actually, my first love is acting and movies. I'm going to a film school now for acting and for film directing. I also take fiction and screenwriting classes and yes, I do write other things besides erotic fiction. Actually I write mostly science fiction type stories. But like I said, acting is my first love. I'll be moving to California soon to try my hand at it for real. But I will always keep up with writing because it's my form of self expression. Like dreaming, just on paper. And I really love movies, so if my stories ever seem like you're watching it in a theater, that's why.
Do you ever answer posts in your guestbook? Hehehehe...unfortunately, no. I really appreciate every single post and entry in the guestbook (I still have the first 350 or so sigs saved elsewhere!), but with email and stories, and the message board, I couldn't possibly take that on too. But know this, I read the guestbook often, and I know everyone who has taken out the time to sign it, even if they do so anonymously. Thank you. And occasionally, a few heartfelt entries get a reply, but not often. Sorry.
What are you trying to say with your stories? Hmmm...another tough one. I think that as time goes on, it changes. At first, I just wanted to write something to get it out of my system and say I did something. Later, my goal was to see if I could write something so powerful that people couldn't make it all the way through without 'losing it'. After that, my goal was the proof of universal love, and now I just want to challenge myself and hopefully show people that everyone deserves to be loved. Most of my stories involve the everyday teen getting that special good looking guy. It's always possible, and you don't have to be a supermodel to find love. Also, every single story has a different theme to it. Some lesson that I've learned in my life and feel I need to share with others. Little things, like anti-suicide messages, or loving a friend, a relationship despite family ties, or a relationship despite different classes, or loving someone with a girlfriend. Every story has a different meaning, and the characters all demonstrate different parts of people. Whether they are gay, straight, bi, out, plain, or downright gorgeous. Overall, I just want everyone to know that true love exists, and if you haven't found it yet, you will. That's all.
This week's update is late again. Why is it that sometimes it takes longer than others? Okay, three things can delay the usual 'weekly' update. Understand that they can't really be helped, but for those of you who find yourselves frustrated and waiting for an update, here's the story. One... don't do my own updates. I have a webtv, and the only sites we are really compatible with are sites like Tripod and Geocities who simply won't 'tolerate' stories of this nature. If I put it on there, they'll cancel the site and I'll lose everything. A couple of friends of mine have been kind o enough to set me up with this account and they do an awesome job of updating for me on top of a billion other things that they have to do. For that I'm eternally grateful, even if it sometimes takes a few days for them to get to it. Two...the stories may be unfinished. Sometimes I hit busy spells in my work schedule and can't sit down and write a decent story. Also, since I live with three other people who don't know about my orientation or this website, privacy might be a problem. Either way, I might have run into a few problems and didn't finish on time. If that's the case, I usually add it in the middle of the week or just tack it on to the next update. Three...Editing! Hehehe...remember, I draw, I write, I do film...basically I'm an artist. So as unfortunate and cocky as it sounds, if I don't feel inspired, I simply don't write. I would feel really bad if I rushed through something and just threw it on the site without it being quality work. It's not really something I can force, especially if I'm going through one of my little mood swings. Then when I'm editing, if I read it again and it just still feels like it's missing something...I won't post it. I only check for spelling and little things when I go through it a second time, but occasionally I have a story that just doesn't flow right and I have to ether add more or take something out. Anyway, the point is, if you wait for it, it'll be better than if you just got it untouched. That's mostly why the updates take so long. I'm sorry, but I try to keep on schedule when I can. :)
Are any of your characters in these stories real people, or just make believe? Hehehehe plenty of them! I can't give you their real names though. But 'Ryan' is most definitely real and I did have a huge crush on him a long time ago (Before you guys ask, no, I'm not Randy). Both Sam and Matt are real, in fact Sam just lives three minutes away from me! Carter is real ("Stepbrother"), Ariel is real ("New Kid"), Corey is real ("To Be More Than Friends"), Brice is real ("Unnatural Attraction"), and a host of others. And Eddie Furlong is certainly real! But the stories are somewhere in between, leaning more towards fiction. I add a lot of personal situations from my real life into every story, but the story itself is mostly made up.
Do you ever send out generic, template emails to everyone? Or do you really write back? No. Actually, when I get home, I read all of my emails everyday and then when I get a chance (every third day or so) I answer them all in the order I got them. The only time I skip over one is when it's a story or a super long email asking for advice or that needs my full attention. But every email I send out is in my own..."handwriting"(?). I don't usually use names in email because the person on the address may not be the person using the account at the time. And sometimes I might forget a question or two that you brought up in your letter to me, but if you ask again I'll be sure to remember. I never cut and paste the same reply when mailing people, although after 20 or so emails I do have a tendency to repeat myself a lot! But I assure you that it's not just a carbon copy or a machine mailer. It's all me baby!
What would a date with Comicality be like? Hehehehe...cool question! Ummm...let's see. Probably a trip to the movies (I love movies, I go all the time!), go out for a bite to eat in some mellow place. Maybe have a few beers or hang out in a small place where we could talk and get to know each other. And then...sex, sex, sex!!! Hahaha! Just kidding, but if I clicked with somebody really well, it wouldn't be out of the question. :)
Can you write me a personal story for your site? I know a lot of you would like to see your big crushes in life get written up with a happy ending, and I'd love to do it, but...unfortunately you guys have no idea how many people ask this. If I wrote them all I'd never leave the house! So, in my attempt to be fair to everyone, I really don't do it. I'm sorry, because some of you guys have really cool ideas and I know they would make good stories, but I'm too fair and just for my own good! :) I appreciate the offers though, really I do.
What is the most prized possession in your room? Actually, it's a couple of posters that I drew in high school. I had three of them, but one got lost when I was moving from one apartment to another. The other two are all of my close friends from high school and junior high, dressed up like super heroes with special powers and stuff. They're really cool! And they remind me of the good old days!
Why don't you're stories ever have any sad endings? Well, when I started out writing, there were just these one time short stories. They were supposed to stand on their own, I didn't have requests for sequels and series and everything like I do now. In fact if you read the first "New Kid" or "Boy Next Door" or any of the older stories, you'll see that they were much more final at the end. I figured that for a stand alone story, if someone read all the way through the story, they would want a happy ending. I guess that's just the Hollywood, TV sitcom, director in me. I do occasionally have sad endings and cliffhangers, but I save those for series like "New Kid" where there's still hope for things to get better. I know things don't always work out this way in real life, but I want people to walk away from one of my stories feeling hopeful and happy. So I just put my focus into giving each story that happy conclusion to make people smile.
You said in your last email that you would never post another story with a "New Kid" chapter again, how come? Okay, here's the thing, and don't get me wrong because I LOVE "New Kid In School" (It's the story that started it all, and it made everything else possible). But I'm still trying to grow and change and perfect everything that I do concerning my writing. So experimenting with new characters and story lines are kind of important to me. The reason I want to leave those separate from "New Kid" is because even if I post TEN stories and a new chapter, the new chapter gets ALL the attention. "New Kid" just overshadows everything else that I do to the point where I'm not even sure if the other stories are getting read. Hehehehe, I love the attention, but it's kind of hard for a new story to compete with the champ. It's like putting a grade school kid on a basketball court with Michael Jordan...there's just no point in even trying to get it noticed. So the new stories get swallowed up and kind of fade into the background, and I kind of want each story to shine on it's own. From now on, each "New Kid" chapter will be posted by itself, with no other stories or sequels along with it, and the rest of the attention will be given to updating the "Notes" and "About Me" sections as well as some of the others. Seems info about yours truly is the only thing that can run side by side with Ryan and Randy without getting pushed aside. Hehehehe! :)
Who makes the first move when you are with a guy that turns you on hot? And what are the first few moves? Hehehehe, actually I have a weird method for that. I'm usually not a first move kind of guy, so don't expect me to just walk up and grab you. BUT...I have my ways of giving people the courage to make the first move on me. It's hard to explain, but I usually put out enough hints to let someone know how I feel, and if I think it's working, the hints get stronger until I get "the desired reaction" and then it just sort of happens. I hope that makes sense. Like I said it's hard to say exactly what it is, but I'm usually good at guessing emotions (A whole other story) and I can usually tell what somebody's intentions are, no matter how hard they try to hide them. However, for some reason it gets harder for me to guess when I know the people personally. Go figure.
You said a lot of your characters are based on real people, do you still see or talk to them? I'll tell you, it makes for an awkward experience, but yes. I still see the guy Ryan was based on from time to time (Saw him on Valentine's Day of all days!), I haven't seen Ariel in months, but I ran into him in a used cd store at the end of last year. Sam's house is still just five minutes away from where I'm writing this, seeing him is a rare occurrence. Besides, Sam and my best friend don't really get along at all. Matt has moved away, but comes into town every now and then. Carter, Brian, Cory, and some of the other real characters are missing in action. I either can't find them, or didn't know them well enough to keep track of them. The kid that Tyler is loosely based on hasn't crossed my path in like ten years. It's weird to see them now though, so I'm almost glad that it's limited. I might call them by the wrong name or something! Hehehe!
Too scared to write me? This wasn't actually a question sent in, but it's been said a lot in my emails and I wanted to put it here in case more people are reading it. You guys don't EVER have to feel shy or scared or worried to write me. Really! I'm not gonna 'out you' or laugh at you, or blow up your house, or anything else. I'm far from being a celebrity, believe me. I'm just an everyday person who happens to get behind a keyboard and type out erotic stories. Got any comments or questions, just send 'em to me. Wanna be penpals, drop me a line. Wanna blow job....ummm...we'll see how I feel! Hehehehe! But seriously, I won't bite (which is good if I'm giving out blow jobs!) and I'll always get back to ya if you drop me a note. So don't be scared, come on out and give me a holler. I don't mind, I hardly ever sleep! Also, don't worry about loading me up with email! I LOVE email! Whether I've got ten or 100, it keeps me smiling and I love it! So write when you feel you have something to say. And even if you don't, write me and say "I have nothing to say." I'd love to hear from ya!
As an actor, have you ever met any celebrities? Hehehehe...more than you would think. I've been on film sets downtown, music video sets, made a few trips back and forth to California, and work in a bar where celebrities show up frequently. A lot of times it's the luck of the draw (Like the Eddie Furlong incident), but the rest is work related or acting related. But yes, I've met and talked to a lot of them, and many are really cool people. Some f them don't act the way you expect them to at all, and some are exactly how you picture them. Wild. And no, I'm not best friends with them, nor do I have email access and address to their house, so don't ask. Hehehehe!
Where are some of your hang outs downtown Chicago? Maybe I'll look for you!" Still trying to pinpoint me, huh? You'll never find me, I'm the elusive Comicality! I can narrow it down some though. Shopping wise, I go to the Water Tower Mall on Michigan Ave, Borders, Virgin Records, Tower Records (A lot of times for the midnight rollouts on mondays), Navy Pier on the docks, North Pier for the arcade, Dennises on Belmont, and Northbrook mall. I hang out in a lot of places around town, and I walk up and down the lake a lot. I like Gino's East and Ranallis Pizza, Kronies, House of Beers on Division, Club Liquid for swing dancing (Don't know how, just go to hang out), and a few other places. If THAT doesn't narrow it down, I don't know what will. I'm a night person, so that's when you'll see me out, and you guys should know what I like from my stories. (music, video games, comics, movies, etc.) Good luck trying to spot me. I won't make it easy!
We seemed to have lost touch with each other. I haven't heard from you in a long time. Please guys, if I ever lose touch with any of you guys for a super long period of time, feel free to write me again. You won't be bugging me at all. Occasionally I get swamped with work or with friends or with another project, and my mind gets a little jumbled. So if an entire week or more goes by and you haven't heard from me, something must be up. Sometimes I erase emails by mistake, or the return address was wrong and my reply gets bounced back to me, or any number of things could have happened. I can only 'reply' to emails, it would be impossible for me to keep everybody in my address book (especially the way you guys change email addresses!). So if I go a long time and don't hear from you, I usually figure that you either don't have any pressing matters to talk about, or you've been sucked up into that inescapable black void that is ICQ and just don't communicate any other way these days! :) We've lost so many to technology!
Why Can't you tell us your real name? I know that my first name seems like a very simple question to ask, and I know that you guys want to know more about me and who I am. The truth is I REALLY can't tell you my first name! Please don't take it personally or be offended by it, I'm not trying to be rude. I have very good reasons for keeping my identity private. I want to have a successful acting career someday in film and television. That's my main goal, my dream, and my orientation (as sad as it sounds) could ruin everything that I've spent my entire life working towards. Unfortunately, Hollywood can be real assholes when it comes to homosexuals and even worse for guys who like teens. So believe me when I say my future is on the line when I give out private information about myself over the net where ANYBODY could be reading. Hell, anybody that I've gone to high school with could probably read this and figure out who I am, so I'm taking enough of a risk saying as much as I do. Like I said, it's not personal, it's a protective measure so that I don't have any skeletons coming out of my closet later. My name isn't as common as Mike or Tom or David...so even just my first name would give away more than I want it to. I could have made up a name and had you guys call me that, but I said I'd stay honest, and I am. So when writing to me, if it'll make you feel better, you can just call me "Com" or "C" or "Dude" or even make up a name if it'll help you identify. People call me all sorts of names in their emails (That didn't sound right). You can even make it "The Artist Formerly Known As Comicality" if you want (@-/-=>:P)! But I really can't tell you my real name, and I hope you'll respect that....because....you kinda HAVE to! Hehehe!
Who are Mike, Ed, David, and Stephen? Okay, I noticed that I sometimes casually mention one of these four guys without much thought, and sometimes it's confusing for some of you. So for the first and only time, I'm putting their REAL first names here. Then you'll have an idea who they are when I mention them.
Mike- Mike is my best friend of the last ten years. We met in our froshman year of high school, and have been together ever since. He has been there for me in the very worst of times, and my heart has been his hostage for as long as I can remember. He is now one of my roommates, and is sitting in his room right now as I write this.
Ed- Ed is someone that I worked with about two years ago, and he's the proverbial 'one that got away'. He's the one that I kick myself over every day for not talking to. He had sandy blond hair and looked like a 12 year old at age 23 (He's one of the ones mentioned in "What Can I Do", the other is Mike). We hung out a LOT, he took me to see my first sunrise on the lake, and he's basically responsible for making me such an insomniac. Hehehe. I was getting to the point where I was going to just make a go for it. Before I got the chance, he moved away for good. We kept in touch for a while, but once Mike and I became roommates, he stopped calling. I lost track of him after that.
David- Forever busy, but unbelievably gorgeous, David is probably one of my most recent BIG crushes. I saw him in my roommate's play and was instantly infatuated with him. If you can imagine, he's like the perfect combination of Ryan and Tyler in terms of looks and personality! He came to our big party in early March and me and him hit it off. He calls from time to time, but I'm pretty sure he's straight. But I'm not positive, especially since I asked if he had a girlfriend. His reply, "Hehee, don't have one, don't need one." :) But as busy as he is, hearing from him at all is rare.
Stephen- Stephen was a friend of mine in junior high and high school. He is the beautiful guy that "New Kid's" Ryan is based on. We used to talk every now and then, and ride the bus home together everyday (Ariel was there too!), and he calls every blue moon when he comes into town. The last time I saw him was in February (On Valentine's Day of all days! His girlfriend was out of town). Yes, sigh, sorry to ruin the fantasy...but as far as I know, Stephen is completely straight.
Do you get turned on by your own stories? Hehehehe...as I told a good friend in the chat room once, "Yeah right! I can make spelling corrections until I spew all over myself!" Actually, it's the truth. I honestly try to avoid reading the old stories once they're posted on the site. I'm simply never satisfied with what I see, and all I do is pick it apart. But many times, while doing the actual WRITING of a story, I get aroused and really get into the 'scene'. I hope that's a good thing! :) Hehehe!
Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?!?!?! You tell me! I honestly don't know, I think about it a lot, but I don't long for it, you know? I'm happy right now just finding out more about ME, then I'll be able to know what I'm looking for. When I get a boyfriend or girlfriend, you'd better believe I'm going to give them my all and then some. Also, between me being selective, and being shy, I don't stand a chance. Sometimes it's a lack of opportunity, sometimes it's lack of free time, sometimes it's paralyzing fear! Hehehe, it's no easier for me than it is for you guys, trust me. And I really don't fall in 'love' all that much. I see a LOT of cute lookers, have some fantasies, and a few crushes...but the big "L" has really only hit me like five times in the last ten years. So I guess when fate decides it's my time, I'll go for it. Until then, I'll be relieving some of that 'tension' in my stories! :)
This may sound really weird, but I'm wondering, what are you like in "real life"? Ummm...geez, I don't know. I never had to watch me before. I guess you could say that I joke around a lot around my friends. I'm pretty shy at first, but after a while I warm up to people depending on whether or not they want to talk to me. :) I give advice when I can and try to cheer up anybody who doesn't look so happy. Hehehe, I feel so conceited doing this! Oh, and I'm self conscious about my eyes. So if people make comments or compliments about them, I get EXTREMELY shy then. So I usually don't keep eye contact for too long. Ummm....I think that's it. Aren't I the self centered one?
Are you against the idea behind 'boylove'? This question is kinda rare from email to email, but I've gotten it more than once and figured that I should put my feelings about it all right here. I am in no way 'against' the idea of boylove. I like young teens and see them as being very sexually attractive, so I agree with many of their beliefs and appreciate the support that they are trying to conjure up for each other. People read the statement I made in "What Can I Do?" and think that I am anti-boylove, and that's not true. A good friend and inspiration to me told me that labels aren't important, and I agree wholeheartedly. Being the way I am, I have spent most of my life trying to figure out what I was orientation wise, and every time I thought I had an idea, it would change. So I decided long ago that I wasn't going to 'classify' myself into any category at all. To me, I honestly believe that the title of 'boylover' would just be another label for me to hide behind, and I'm more of a 'whatever happens, happens' kind of guy. If I fall for a woman, does that stop me from being gay? If I fall for a teen boy, do I stop being straight? If I fall for a guy, does that mean I'm no longer a pedophile? No. And I use the word 'pedophile' simply because it is logically the most scientific explanation for the feelings I have for boys and girls younger than 18. It describes my feelings, but it doesn't describe ME, do you know what I mean? Labelling myself would cause me to believe that I have to follow a certain pattern of behavior, and I don't want to follow anybody elses ideas of what I should be. Just my opinion, and for me only (or anyone who wants to listen).
How far ahead do you plan your stories when you write them? Tough question. It's a mixture actually. Right now, I'm probably thinking about "New Kid" about 10 chapters ahead. Seriously! I know what I want to happen and I know the direction that I want the story to go. However, when I sit down to write on the blank screen, it doesn't always work out that way. The story really does write itself, and the characters just kind of do their own thing while I watch and write what I 'see'. So whatever plans I had in the beginning of one chapter, may be completely altered and on a whole new course by the end of it. Believe it or not, there a lot of little things that I had planned for "New Kid" that never made it into the series. Like the knockout fight between Tyler and Ryan, or Randy's threatening Tyler in the bathroom with hurtful words. Or Thomas, a character who was going to be straight and hangout with the two lovebirds, limiting their little rendezvous. Then later, Tyler was actually going to get the chance to seduce the straight boy into a little experimentation and Randy was going to be jealous. This whole character was written out when the cast of "Arcade Junkie" and "Wil Power" joined the cast. There were many tidbits that were changed at a moment's notice and are either gone for good, or waiting to be used at another time. Other lost parts were Ryan kissing a cheerleader in front of Randy to hurt him while they were broken up, Ryan's dad catching the two of them in the shower together and throwing a fit, a bully catching them kissing in the bathroom, and Sam and Matt's plot to help Tyler get the man he wanted all along, Randy. So even now, the plans I have for the story may change entirely and I just follow whatever instincts I've got to make the story more 'natural'.
The email situation... I wanted to put this down here, because I often get emails that start off with, "I know you get a lot of emails" or "You probably won't answer this" or any number of other starters. I also understand that some of you may feel like I favor other people over you or don't want to hear from you because it takes me so long to reply. Okay, I get a lot of email, true, but I answer it for a reason. I'm not just being fake and trying to play celebrity or anything, I'm not just humoring you and telling you guys what you want to hear, I honestly care about what you guys have to say. I never want you to ever think that you're "just another email" lost in the shuffle, or that I simply don't care. I get so much from you guys, and I enjoy hearing from you immensely. You guys may think that it's simply impossible for me to like 'everybody'....but what you don't understand is that I get something different from each one of you. Whether it's advice, giving or taking, jokes, thoughtful ramblings, whatever. I really like hearing how you're day went or what you're up to. Please, PLEASE understand that I'm only one person. I can't answer all my email right away AND chat with you guys AND work AND read the message board AND read your stories AND try to write a new story every week...I just can't do it. Not that I don't wish that I could. It sometimes takes me time to reply, a few days to almost a week. If you guys write EXTRA long emails, it REALLY takes a long time because I have a lot to read and even more to reply with, but that doesn't mean that I don't care or that I favor other emails over yours. I just need time to sort things through and answer everything when I find enough time and privacy to do it right. I really want to be close to you guys, I want you to trust me and I want to be able to trust you. I need friends just like anybody else. And yes, sometimes I do get stuck between wanting the emails to stop long enough for me to do other things, and not hearing from you guys at all. I miss you when you're gone, I truly do. You'd be surprised...I remember things about everybody. EVERYBODY! Inside jokes, pics you sent, wavs, birthdays (sometimes, hehehe), anniversaries, names, email addresses, whatever. I remember because I care. I want you guys to write, I want to hear from you, and I want to stay in touch. But please don't be offended if it ever seems like I'm ignoring or rejecting you in any way. I wouldn't do that.
Have you ever been abused? I usually try to distance myself from my stories enough so they don't really get too personal for me. So I was really surprised at how many people caught on to what I was getting at with "New Kid 20", and this question has come up in many of your emails. So, to answer your question, the answer is yes. It DID happen, it was a long time ago, and it's in my past. That's pretty much all there is to it. (Still being private Comsie? Hehehehe) The point that I'm trying to make is that I am far from being a 'scarred victim' or 'overly dramatic' about the whole thing. I'm a happy, sane, well adjusted person. (Well...I'm happy anyway. But you kinda have to be when you're insane and maladjusted). I don't talk about it because now that I look back on it, it doesn't really seem real to me anymore. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if that little trial of my life is a part of making 'Comicality' who he is, then it was worth it. So, without going into too much detail, I'll tell you this...it started when I was about 7 or 8, it lasted for about 9 or 10 years, my father and I don't really get along to this day (not that I don't still love him...I just don't LIKE him that much), and it's over now. So now you know, and...um...that's that. Hehehehe! So smile already! I am! =)
Will you be continuing the site when you move to California?
*Sigh*.......okay....total honesty time. I have every intention of keeping this site going for as long as I possibly can, that is a fact. If not by me personally, then maybe someone else will come in and take my place. Yes, that might possibly be the bad news. I will honestly TRY my hardest to have this site deliver everything that it did before, but it won't be anywhere near as easy as it is now. My privacy will be cut in half, my time will be cut down even more. To promise, or even speculate, that I could keep up with this site and still try to have a successful acting career would be wrong. I can barely do it while working at a cd store! Even being optimistic, you could expect updates maybe once or twice a month. I'm sorry, but it's not like I'm going anywhere. I'll still be around, maybe drop by the message board more often, chat from time to time...I'll still be here in spirit, always. If I can keep up with everything while I'm out there, great, but I don't want to say that and suddenly disappear. Besides, If I get rich enough, I can just take vacations and sit at home for months at a time doing nothing BUT writing stories! :)
You said you wanted to act in movies and television. Does that mean you have no interest in the theater? Actually, not to bad mouth the theater in anyway, it really has never been a goal of mine. I think it's mostly because movies are what I was raised on. I went to the theater a few times with my grandparents, or on school field trips, but I haven't been exposed to it enough to really get into the way other people do. Maybe if I had more experience with it, then I would consider doing theater too. If it came down to my favorite theater productions though, it would be a tie between "Starlight Express" and Sarafina" (out of all the ones I've seen).
Okay Comsie...what's with the eyes?" "Sighhhh".....okay, here it is. For those of you who don't know, I just so happen to be very very very self conscious about my eyes. Hehehe, so if you guys are ever looking for a way to tease me, there ya go! It's not that there's anything wrong with them, it's just that people whom I've never met often stop me and refer to them as being 'pretty'. Arrrrgh! Before you guys even start, know this....there is absolutely NOTHING special about my eyes at all!!! They're just hazel, that's it. Nothing more. Nothing spectacular, or different, or exotic, and certainly nothing 'pretty' about them. I used to be extremely weirded out by that before (ESPECIALLY in high school), growing up as shy as I did, those compliments were always better avoided than appreciated. But it's not so bad anymore, and I can pretty much laugh at it now. So...now you guys have some ammo against me if I start hounding you about something! Hehehehe, I'm quick to blush and run off in most cases. :)
What is "Seezya Skeeza"? Hehehehe, that's just a little term I use when I'm saying 'so long'. It comes from work when some lady got an attitude with me and all of my coworkers because she couldn't find what she was looking for in the store. So she got all huffed up and stormed out (Like we're supposed to care) and when she left I hollered out 'seezya skeeza'! ("See ya skeezer") So occasionally, we laugh about it at work and I use it in my emails a lot too. Just a sayin. So it's not a voodoo curse or anything, I assure you.
Where do you get your quotes from? Oh man, here, there, everywhere. From life really. Occasionally I'll see a few good ones on the net, or hear a touching song lyric, or see it in a movie or TV show, and sometimes it just sticks with me. Some places on the net have good ones, and a few people have them attached as sigs in their emails and I ask if I can use them. All of the quotes on that page have some meaning to me, and that's why I put them there. Because I know that if they mean something to me, they're bound to mean something to someone else too. So I try to write down any good ones I hear, and (IF I keep track of the little scraps of paper I write on) I add them to the site when I can. And now that you mention it...hehehe, I'll update that section because I haven't done so in a long long time! :)
Is there a mailing list? Yes, there is a mailing list for all of the updates to this site. Just click on the animated e-mail gif below the contents buttons and you'll be taken to my e-mail page where you can sign up for it. Or if you don't see that click on the e-mail link on the "home" page. Or hell, click right here!
You said that you wanted to have kids, are you still planning to? Yes, I most certainly do. I adore children, and I have always seen that as a part of my future. No, it is not that the 'family life' has caused me to call myself bi instead of gay (as though it mattered). Like I've said before, I am just as capable of having genuine feelings of love and lust for women as much as I do for teens and men. I want children because it will be my 'gift'....or whatever. (Geez, that sounds...odd). I mean, I want to be able to teach my child and nurture it, watch it grow, live through it, and hopefully give it what it needs to one day accomplish great things. And yes I know that I can do that as a gay person as well. Naturally, it also scares me. TERRIFIES me, in fact.
My own father may not have been the best of examples, and it is still very difficult for me to tell what 'permanent imprints' he has instilled in me. I still have his temper, and deep down I pray that none of his other faults are lying dormant inside me. BUT...I will say this. I will NEVER harm a child! Not EVER! Especially my OWN! My child will NEVER know the pain I did, he/she will NEVER have to grow up feeling alone, or unloved, or afraid. I would give my life for it, I would protect it and provide for it to a fault of myself, and I would make sure that everyday is a holiday as far as it's concerned. I want to have enough money where it never has to worry about food or heat or shelter, so it never has to go without ANYTHING...ever. When I say that I'll love my child 1,000%, I mean exactly that. And I would gladly 'take myself out of the picture' before ever laying a hand on it or teaching it some of the hard lessons I've learned through anger. I look forward to it, and maybe...just maybe, there will be a "Comsie Jr" to take over this site when I'm long gone! Hahaahahaha! Umm...or not! :)
Did you stop posting stories to the newsgroups and to Nifty? Certainly not. I still post every now and then when I have something cool to release. The thing is, whenever I release something to the 'public', it causes a giant increase in the emails. Even though most of them are very short and can be answered right away, they usually come 20 or 30 at a time. This is why I always have stories on the site first before anywhere else, and when the emails from this place die down, THEN I post it elsewhere. So sometimes, if it's too much to handle, an update or a posting at nifty might be delayed until I'm ready to handle it. That's all.
What ever happened to some of the other stories you promised Com? I'm waiting on them! Well, as an ambitious bastard (hehehehe), I often have a definite plan of stuff that I want to do and try out. I keep a notebook and write down whatever ideas come to mind, and occassionally let some of those ideas spill out to you guys. I almost always have ten to fifteen things that I'd love to do as a story at any given time, and I get excited to start work on them when I think the plotlines and stuff out. But sometimes when those ideas go into planning, one of three things happens:
1) I start the story off, and get inspired by something else before it's finished. Meaning that my 'mood' might be better to write another story instead and give it the kind of heart it needs to be good. Or I may just not be happy with the way the story is going and it never gets finished (or not for a long time at least). This is what happened to stories like "Home Is Where The Heart Is", "The Ultimate High", "Opposite Reaction", "Decisions In Love", and others. Where I began writing them and then my mood changed to something else. They just sit, most of them half finished, in cyber 'limbo' until I either ressurrect them or scrap them entirely. Some stories go so long without a sequel that the interest is gone, (Like "Saying I Do 2", where Nick runs away to be with Jordan. Or "A Stepbrother I Could Love 3" Where Carter gets a black eye from a kid at little league practice) but you never know when they'll pop up again!
2) The story becomes something else or the title gets changed. Sometimes, one idea might lead to another, and THAT idea might become another while in the middle of writing it. For example, I started one story called "Close To Home" where a boy fell head over heels for his sister's boyfriend. This idea changed all by itself as I was thinking about it, and I just decided to take it a different way. So the 'sister' became a 'brother' and the story turned into "Sibling Rivalry". Another was about a kid stalking another boy in the mall because he had been in love with him for so long in school. This story was lost when my site was originally shut down. But was later divided into one story using the same characters ("Unnatural Attraction"), and another story using the same basic plot (The yet to be seen "Making Contact"). Also, some of the characters that I used for story ideas got pulled to appear in the "Gone From Daylight" series. So things change every now and then, but the original ideas might appear in other places.
3) I might just be holding off on them for a little while. Some stories, especially sequels, have high expectations, and I want them to be as good as they can be. So I don't force them if I don't 'feel' it. While writing the original "Out Of Hollywood", I had plans to start chapter 2 the same night (and it sits partially finished right now), but "New Kid 20" took more attention at the time and had to be out sooner. By the time I came back to it, I had an idea for something else, and then another, then another. By the time I came back to "Hollywood" it was 'dated' and was put on the back burner for a while. So it's not that I'll never write it, it's just that I really have to have a good inspiration that has me excited enough to jump back into it.
So if I say 'so and so' is going to be up and you never hear anything about it again, you can believe that it's either being divided up and put into other stories, being altered somehow, or waiting to be reborn somehow. Maybe one day I'll have a "Comicality Archives" viewing so you guys can see all the crap I DIDN'T release to the site! Hehehhe! They are there, sitting and aiting to be finished, LOTS of them! Believe me. I almost never throw anything out.
How come you don't do your weekly updates anymore? I know that when the site first started in June, almost up through Christmas, I had a new story every week without fail, and I loved it. But things have changed a lot since then. For one thing, the stories clocked in at like 20 or 25 K...now they are all more than DOUBLE that length. There's no more 'writing a story in one four hour sitting' anymore. It's simply impossible.
Another thing is the email. There is a 'balance'. When I write emails to you guys, then the stories might be late. When I'm writing stories, then the emails take longer to get back to you. So if you guys write me asking when the next story is coming out, the answer is usually "as soon as I'm through answering your email about it." Hehehehehe. But seriously, last summer there weren't HALF as many people reading the site as there is now, and it takes a bit more work. My job is different now too, and getting up early in the morning means no more staying up until sunrise to have some privacy. There's a bunch of different things going on, and I will try to have updates as often as possible, but as far as a schedule is concerned, it's kinda hard to keep. I know most of you say "Don't worry about it", but hey...I'm a performer! Hehehehe it's my job to entertain! :)
Can we chat? YES! I don't mind talking to you guys for a while (Right now, the only way to reach me would be in Talkcity in an unlisted room named 'comicality', but that will change soon!). It'll be cool to meet ya! It's usually better to chat on the weekends and later on at night (sorry for all you guys overseas. But I gotta stay on Chicago time). So sure, I'd love to chat with ya one on one some time. But please understand that chatting can take hours and if I say I've gotta run, that usually means I've got some other stuff to catch up on. Please don't take offense or tell me "I can't go!" hahahahaha, because I honestly can't always stay on for hours and hours at a time. Also, I have 'private' rooms also for people who might need to talk about something that's bugging them or that they don't want to be known to everyone else. So, if any of you know where these private rooms are, please don't just drop in uninvited. I know some of you guys have fun 'looking for me' hehehehe but sometimes it's important to be 'alone' when I'm trying to help somebody out or vice versa.
'Comicality' is my public room, and you're free to drop in anytime, the others are for personal matters. Ok? Not that I don't want to talk to you, but every once in a while people need to talk privately, and it rattles 'em a bit when someone just 'pops' up. So come on in, join us. It'll be fun! :)
Why do you try to do so much at one time with everybody. Just relax!!! Hehehe...I know, I know. I try to do too much and basically don't get anything accomplished, but I enjoy it like you wouldn't believe. It's psychotic, or so some people have told me. But to be totally honest, I do it because it makes me feel as though I've accomplished something here. Understand, I want to be able to give people hope and love and comfort like I never had. I guess it makes up for anything I might have missed out on growing up. I figure that if I can help one person get through a rough time, then every bad time I've lived through is justified somehow, and it was worth it.
I may have my bad times, but I will never turn someone away, it's just not in my nature. Because back when I needed help, there was no one to confide in, no one to believe in, and no one to whisper my dirty little secrets to. I didn't HAVE a "Comicality" to talk to back then. I don't want anyone else to 'ever' feel that way if I can help it. It's a scary feeling to be alone, and as long as there's 'someone' willing to listen, they won't be. I have vowed to never ever be one of those people who turn their backs on someone simply because they don't feel like they want the burden.
Some people love me for it, some people abuse it by using me when they feel the need. Because they know I'll feel bad if I don't help out, but in the end it's for the best. To me it doesn't matter if it's one person or twenty people or a hundred. If anything I can give will help someone feel loved and important and see opportunities where there are none, then you guys can have it. And that's not bullshit, that's who I am. Seriously.
What has changed since you started this site? I mean what have you learned since last year? Oh wow....geez. Um...you know, it seems so hard to put it into words because it's hard to remember who I was back before the Shack was here. I was so sad, so untrusting...I never would have thought that I would be able to expose even this much of myself to anyone a year ago. I spent a lot of time learning to shut the emotions out, never letting people get too close or never letting myself express too much. I've covered a lot with a smile in my lifetime, made believe that it all wasn't real. I truly believed at one point that I could easily live the rest of my life without having to trust or put faith in anybody but myself.
What have I learned? That emotions are important, that there are actual people who are 'trustworthy', and that there are people who understand what I feel as well as who I am. You people actually know more about me and my past than most of my best friends and family. Like I said, even the most terrible parts of my life went unnoticed, because I covered them with a smile. The time that I've spent building this place is just as much of a learning experience for me as it may be for some of you. I have never had friends that I could talk to about this stuff before.
And the "What can I do?" section...I wrote that with teary eyes. Completely improvised, no rehearsal. And it was the very first time that I have ever identified myself as a pedophile to the 'world'. Before that, the only time I have ever even USED the word was to an old net-friend of mine. A teenage boy who was close with a great inspiration for many of us 'pervs' named "Leeboy". That section was the very first thing I wrote after making the site on Tripod, and it remains unchanged today.
I used to express myself through my drawings, or my writing, or any oher way that I could get my good and bad feelings out of me. But somehow, knowing that I can do it here and have you guys READ it...to actually SHARE it with someone else and have them know a little piece of my heart through something I've written or said...that's REAL magic. I have experienced levels of love and friendship in this place that I never would have dreamed of anywhere else.
If you guys can get even a fraction of 'growth' out of the Shack that I have in it's lifespan, then I am beyond honored, beyond proud. That's what has kept me here for this long, the chance to express myself, the chance to give back somehow, the chance to share a piece of myself and encourage others to do the same. It's the most liberating feeling I've ever known. I've changed a lot because of this place, and hope to continue doing so in the time that I have left here. You can each take from this place your own meaning and use it to hopefully be a better person.
Somewhere, deep down, I feel like I've left my mark here. Like maybe I fullfilled a little bit of God's plan by being this way, and by living the life that I've lived. Maybe each of you will find your outlet someday, maybe some of you already have. (Okay Comsie...quit being so weird and move on! Hehehhe!)
Do you consider yourself to be religious? Honestly? No. I think of myself as being very 'spiritual', but not at all religious. Do I believe? Yes...with all my heart. I never doubted it for a minute. That could be because of my 'programming', or it may just be what's in my heart, who's to say at this point? What I do know is that God exists for me and plays a large role in my life. That's spirituality to me. It's a part of me and everything that I do.
As far as 'religion' goes, it's not for me. To me religion is using the Bible as a textbook to tell you what your values and morals 'should' be. It's celebrating a certain holiday just because of the date, it's saying prayers you may or may not understand, it's sitting in a church with 100 other people to listen to a man telling them to behave and to be pure of heart before passing around the collection plate so they can buy a new golden candle holder.
I don't mean to offend the religious folks who read this site in any way. It's just that I was dragged to church every Sunday for years, I sat next to my father and my mother and chanted the same prayers every week without getting an answer to a single one. I was surrounded by wife beaters and drug addicts and molesters and alcaholics, who all figured that they could do whatever the hell they wanted to...as long as once a week they came to the church to say they were 'sorry'. Not good enough for me I guess. I just like to justify the evil things I do BEFORE I do them, not after. Once again, my opinion, no offense.
Comsie...come on now! How can it be that nobody knows that you're bisexual??? Hehehehe DON'T start making me all paranoid now! :) I'll put it this way, anyone who knows has never said anything to me or anyone I know. I would like to think that I'm convincing enough to fool the people around me, but then again that's from my point of view. So I could be wrong. I do know that I did get along with gay people at all the jobs I've ever worked at. Mostly because I don't make a lot of 'insulting' jokes (remember...I said INSULTING jokes! I still make my fair share, believe me. But nothing harsh.) and because I don't cringe around them the way some people do. So I do end up having gay friends at work and I hang out with them from time to time. Does that mean that I set off their gaydar? Who knows? Like I said, if I have, they never told me anything. But I would probably keep quiet if I knew someone was in the closet too...so maybe they just respect my decision or something. Grrrr!!!! Great! Now I'm going to be thinking about this all the time!!!! :)
Do you have anything that really makes you mad? There are three things that really piss me off, and I won't stand for them at all because I don't think ANYBODY deserves to be treated with disrespect. In my opinion, you don't have to like everybody, but you could at least respect them enough to recognize them as human.
The first thing is blatant rudeness. People who are just looking to be an asshole simply because they can be. I have no problem with people who believe in 'speaking their mind' or 'being open and honest'...but there's a level of tact to which to do that. I have no patience with people who say whatever the hell they want and not keep someone elses feelings in mind. I know some of you will disagree, and thats cool, but I just can't blurt out negative comments and just take a 'deal with it' attitude about it all.
The second thing is hating people that you don't even know. That's just stupid. Racism, ageism, homophobia, antisemetism and everything else involving hatred is beyond me. I think so many people are just counted out as being less of a person because of their age or their sexual orientation or the color of their skin or whatever. Sometimes without even SEEING what they look like or knowing WHO they are. They have no idea what they miss out on or what they throw away.
And the third thing, the one that pisses me off more than anything else on earth...is being ignored. I don't want to come off as some spoiled brat or anything, but if someone didn't want to talk to me, I'd rather them say, "Hey, I don't want to talk to you." and leave it at that. To be blatantly ignored is, by far, one of the rudest most unforgivable bullshit acts that you can possibly use against me. Just so ya know! :) But seriously, if someone makes it a point to just ignore me for the hell of it, chances are they won't ever be hearing from me again.
I have a REALLY high tolerance for a LOT of things, and I don't expect a whole hell of a lot from the people around me. A few friendly words, an occassional smile, just the little things, nothing major. But even though I don't like to hold grudges, don't go figuring ME for a jerk once I reach my boiling point. Because if you've gotten me to the point where I'm just totally pissed off or forced to be rude to you, you better believe I've given you MORE than enough chances to make it right.
Believe me...anyone who has made my permanent shitlist DESERVES to be there. And being somewhat 'polite' is the most they can ever expect from me ever again. Their fault, not mine. I give everyone a choice, and if they choose not to have me around, then so be it, the feeling will eventually become mutual.
You said in one of your emails that you were making a tape. Is that like the tapes from "A Class By Himself 2"? Yes. I make those tapes all the time. Whenever I get a free moment or have something going on in my life, I gather some songs that best reflect my mood or that I can identify with, and I make little mixes of them on one tape. The thing is, I almost never label the tapes, and I have hundreds of them now. Hehehehe! So I can't really find them by mood or whatever, but whenever I pick one up and listen to it, it's like living that day in my life all over again. And I never erase one or tape over an old mix. I save them, even if I have another one that's almost identical with the songs rearranged in a different order. I save each tape because I was a different person when I made each tape. If that makes sense.
I almost always keep those private though. The tapes I make are basically JUST for me. Call it a soundtrack that only my soul can hear. (Hehehehhe...Deep? Or just plain corny? You decide!)
There have only been two very special occassions in my entire life where I have ever made a mix for someone else and let them keep the tape. And one of those was during my froshman year for Mike because I was so hoplessly in love I would have jumped into traffic for him if he asked me to. :) It was my way of sharing the deepest parts of my soul with him, and since he shared my musical tastes, I think he got a kick out of it. I still have all those tapes, from waaaay back when I was like 9 or ten years old! LOL! 80's music...representing the hormonal imbalance of a young Comsie! How scary is THAT? And I still make more to this day, like two a month at the least. I guess I'm just wacky like that. :)
Do you and your father still talk? Ummmm....unfortunately, yes. We...well, we get along as long as it's not for extended periods of time I guess. Needless to say, the man scares the shit out of me most times. But I still love him. I don't neccessarily LIKE him, but be that as it may, he's the only biological father I'll ever have. And there WERE a few times when he was really good to me in the past. Like when he bought me my first nintendo or came to see me in a school performance or some stuff with the boy scouts. I don't just have the ability to hate him as much as he does me, for whatever reason. Not in my nature. But I usually don't like to talk about him in detail. So...um...okaaay, moving on.
Do you write anything besides Erotica? Nope, just sex and lust and cock and fuck and ass! LMAO!!! Of course! I can't be a pervert all the time, just MOST of the time. :) Actually I write stuff that's more like "Gone From Daylight" (without the homoerotic theme). Mostly sci-fi, horror, or comedy type stories. I don't really read books anymore, simply because I never finish. I enjoy writing my own stuff much more. I don't put them here or share them with you guys because some of my stuff has been displayed in other places. Stuff I wrote in high school, in college, and other places on the net. So I keep those things secret for now. Not to mention a lot of my REALLY cool stuff I'm keeping secret to hopefully write screenplays for in the future. But yes, once in a while I DO type with 'both' hands on the keyboard. :)
Where have you been? It's been forever! Okay, for a lot of people, the ONLY place they ever look for updates on the site is in the "News" section or from the mailing list. But please keep in mind that those only change when I actually update the site. If you guys want to keep better track of me, you can occassionally see me on the message board or in the library. That's the main place to get info on me on a more 'day-to-day' basis. (And why would you WANT to? Hehehe!) It's not like I'm a government spy or anything, so I don't have these great adventures every single day that I'm away. But if something goes wrong for any reason, I'll be putting it there first. Every detail of my life just isn't meant for a big 'announcement' to everyone.
Remember that this site is a lot more than just an archive of stories. It's an interactive community of sorts. You won't get the whole story by just looking for new material to be posted. So check out everywhere, even if you don't participate, hehehe cause if you just look at the front page every week for a new update and just leave...you might miss something. (Like the debut of "Gone From Daylight: Resurrection" which was ONLY posted in the Library and Message Board)
Are there any other sex writers that you admire? PLENTY!!! Wow, so many. I have been really behind on my reading lately. Somehow, I think I've lost my "NEED" for it. You know? Before, I was checking Nifty and ASSGM almost nightly for new stuff. I travelled from website to website looking for cool writers with that spark. But these days I just read an occassional story for fun, and it's mostly stuff by my email pals and peeps from the Shack.
From the beginning, I've always loved and admired Jaxsper Finn's stuff, and Dean Lidster's too. They've probably remained my two biggest influences as far as me getting started into this in the first place. But I love a lot of other writer's too (Eggman, JT, Ty, Torsten, Derek, Savoir Faire, IOMfAtS, and MANY more) who I think do excellent work and continue to impress me constantly.
There was a time when we all were a nice little circle of buds and we could talk often back and forth to one another, commenting on our work and just tossing an occassional idea back and forth. Since then, we've gotten involved in other things and don't get to talk all that much anymore. A few of us might still drop each other an email every now and then, once in a blue moon, but nothing like before. Basically we just have our own little circuits and our own territories on the net, so we just don't cross each other's paths that much anymore. (Just like the Mob! Hehehehe!) And it's like I find out about new talents everyday to add to my list of faves. I only read a fraction as much as I used to, but I like what I see.
How much do you tell other people about yourself, C? Hmmmm....I don't know. I'm usually a very private person, psychotically so, but it's a bad habit I've been trying to break since I've been in this place. But I never tell anybody EVERYTHING, and I doubt I'll ever get to that point. There's just no one on this planet that I trust that much. (My apologies to my very best of friends...it's just how I feel) But I AM honest, and I won't lie to you if you really feel the need to know. Basically, I do a lot more and have more complexities and flaws than most people know. Chances are, if there's something you didn't know, it's probably because you didn't ask. Hehehehe! I know that sounds backwards as hell, but it's the truth.
But I'm going to try to free up some more information this year and stop being so private. "Stuff like what?" You ask? Well...I used to shoplift G.I. Joe figures from Toys R' Us, I drew my own comic books when I was little, and I have a stepsister and a nephew. See? Little insignificant stuff like that might surprise you. Hehehehe! :) But like I said, I'm used to covering stuff up with a smile, and that's not good. So I'm going to try hard to 'deprogram' myself and open up a bit more. Hopefully with better results than what I ran into a couple of times LAST year! Ouch!
When do you find the time and inspiration to write? To be honest, I've made it a habit to do most of my writing in the middle of the night, because it's the only time that I get to just sit still and DO it! Hehehehe! I mean, I've found out that daytime is no time to get anything creative done. Mostly because friends and family and anyone else within a five mile radius jucat cannot seem to grasp the concept of me being alone. I love people and hanging and having fun, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and get something accomplished. And I don't want to make excuses over and over as to why I can't just spend the entire day with someone or go to a certain party or just abandon my thoughts to 'have fun'. Some days I honestly just want to sit down and write or draw or just lay back and enjoy the silence. I don't want to go out or talk on the phone for any length of time or disrupt my inspiration by constantly being pulled away from it. That's why there are times when I let the phone ring or when I update my site or the message boards from another account entirely (Cause email tag can be the killer of time! Hehehehe). So I've abandoned the daylight and have to work until my eyes just about roll out of my head. It's time for me to have some peace and quiet without the distractions. As for inspiration...it's endless. I would sit down and write all day long without stopping if I could. :)
Are you shy in real life? You said you were, but it doesn't seem like it from your chats and emails. Yes actually, but I can pretend not to be. :) But most of the time, my personality pretty much mimics the people around me. Meaning, if I'm with a party crowd, then I party just as hard as they do. If I'm sitting down for a quiet dinner and a chat, then I take on that kind of attitude. So it really depends on who I'm talking to. It's not that I don't have a personality of my own, but I can't be happy around sad people, or sad around happy people. I hate to feel out of place, I s'pose.
As far as being shy goes, it's easy to fake it over the net with that shield to hide behind, but in real life, it's a lot scarier, not that it can't be overcome.
Ummm...yeah. Did I even get anywhere NEAR answering your question? Hehehehe! Anyway, I know people are shy, and I know that it's hard to talk to people sometimes, but you know what? You're NEVER going to be happy if you let it cripple you. "Feel the fear, and do it anyway." Just FORCE yourself to have some guts and SAY something. Otherwise, don't whine about not being able to say something, because you did it to yourself. Don't complain about being alone when you're too scared to talk to anybody. I'm ALWAYS scared to talk to people I don't know, but hey, if I don't even try then what the hell have I got to whine about? Right? It's my own fault. You've got to beat it sometime.
Why aren't your stories more "realistic"? Okay, when I write, I write from the heart. Always. These stories come from my experience, from my life, from things that I know and things that I 'think' I know. In my mind, I believe in a happy ending, I believe that teenagers have sex on the first date, and I believe that love is 'possible' between two people in a short amount of time. ALWAYS? As in every single situation, on every single day, to every single person on the earth? NO! Of COURSE not! I said it was 'possible', not common, and certainly not everyday. This is my life as I know it, as I have experienced it. In the end, it's the only point of view I can give you. As far as being 'realistic' goes,
I'm reminded of a line from the Matrix, "You humans define your reality through suffering." Maybe that's true. Some stories are deemed realistic because of that suffering, because of fights and pain and death and suicide and tragedy. And to be honest, I read those stories with just as much interest and emotion as you guys do. I love the way that those scenes are written, and kudos to authors like The Eggman and Tyrel and others who can pull it off so effortlessly and make them work perfectly! However, when I write my own stories, I take a different approach. I 'grew up' fighting and arguing and surrounded by conflict and pain all my life. My stories are my ESCAPE from that. So instead, I focus on the parts of my life that I haven't tried to mentally block out or forget. I choose to focus on the few miracles in my childhood that made me laugh and feel good. That won't change. I have to distance myself from the bad parts of my life a bit when I can.
When I included Randy's father in New Kid, I attempted to get some of my tensions out that way. But I was EXTREMELY sensitive to how it was judged by people reading it. And it opened up a few memories that I'd rather leave alone at this point in my life. I can't get that close to the truth and have people discuss it. It would bother me.
So, sorry if you need more bite to your stories from time to time. Like I said, there are authors out there that are damn good at that interweaving of love and drama. But until I'm comfortable with it, I'll be staying on the 'brighter side' of reality, and avoid the dark side for a while.
How do you keep coming up with new stuff for "New Kid In School"? It's been going on forever! It's hard to say really. Things just sorta happen! Seriously. The story moves at it's own pace and I try not to force anything to happen or take it a way that doesn't seem natural. Like it would be odd if I tried to persuade a threesome between Ryan, Randy, and Tyler right now, because it just wouldn't fit. You know? Just like I couldn't have Ariel suddenly start shouting at people and dancing on lunch tables, because it doesn't fit his personality. They have to stay in 'character'. As far as the story lasting so long, it's been by luck alone. When I feel one tension has been completely played out, then I add another one. When we've gotten to know the characters as best as we can, I add a new one. When Ryan and Randy can't seem to be any closer or more in love, I have to either escalate the level of intimacy a bit, or use something to pull them apart a little bit so I can have fun putting them back together again. I try to have a lot going on at once, so if I find it hard to concentrate on something when I'm writing I can just switch it to something else. And then, there's the cliffhangers. Hehehehehe! I usually do two or three of those whenever the storyline begins to change. Like when Randy found out that Tyler liked him, or when Ryan and Randy broke up, Randy's birthday, his dad, the make out party...anytime the story begins to change shape somewhat. As far as it being 'successful'..that's up to you guys. I'm honored that you like it, and I'll try to keep it fresh and interesting for as long as possible.
Why add yourself into the "Gone From Daylight" series? Okay, chapter 2 of "Gone From Daylight" was actually supposed to be a lot longer. Well...not 'longer' so much, but I had planned to add and explain a lot of things that didn't make it into this chapter, and will be included in chapter 3. But, the character "Comicality" is NOT me. It's "Comicality". You see, "GFD", by the time it's finished, will basically be my entire life story, played out through many different characters. They all represent different 'parts' of me. Dion, my philosophical side. Dylan, my shy side. Taryn, my romantic side. Trevor, my ambitious side. Etc, etc. "Comicality" merely represents my life online. The big 'know it all' who has the answers to all the world's problems. The mystery that people are trying to solve. Hehehehe I'm not turning into an ego maniac, I'm just recognizing a part of my life that is very important in building who I am today.
Do you ever worry about your stories being too much alike? Honestly, yeah. A lot. It was fine when there were only three or four stories on the site. But now, there's almost 100, and of course I'm going to repeat myself after all those stories. To me, every message is different, every mood is different, every character and every experience is different. But for other people reading it, it may all be the same porn story told over and over again. Sure...I worry about it sometimes. There's only so many words in the English vocabulary. Only so many synonyms for 'soft' or 'cute' or 'sexy'. But I truly think that each story has it's own voice, and I try to give a different flavor to all of them if I can. The only way to know for sure is to hear from people and read the guestbook. Otherwise, I'll never know if the message is being broadcasted or not.
Why don't you ever join more webrings and post on more newsgroups? Well, to be totally honest, I try not to. I know that webrings and advertisements and promotions can bring a lot of readers to the site, but I am also aware of the fact that it may not be the readers that I want. Even with my site's somewhat 'hidden' status, I have seen a little gay bashing, some negative responses, and a few angry criticisms. Problems that plague the site every now and then. Basically, I'll say it like this. My site is here, it's free, and it's available to everyone who wants to read it. That's it. I won't force anyone to read it who doesn't want to. It exists only as an 'option' for people who want to find it, who want to read it, and who understand (at least partially) what it is that I'm trying to do with it. I avoid more 'public' advertisements and webrings because it sometimes brings in readers who are looking for something else, and 'stumble' upon my site by accident. Then I have to deal with flames and insults and the 'you are so sick' type of comments. I can, personally, do without that. So, the site is advertised and spread through word of mouth, and through the stories I post at Nifty. Therefore, I can safely 'assume' that anyone reading or hearing about it, is looking for the type of material that I provide. If they just so happen to be combing through the gay male/high school section on the Nifty Archive, and find my story, then it's pretty safe to say that they are LOOKING for stories about teenage boys in love and being sexually active. Then I don't have to worry (as much) about people saying "Well...I didn't know." That's all. Besides, I get plenty of hits without the additional help. :) So website traffic is NOT a problem! I'd much rather have people tell their friends online, in chatrooms, or just link to the site on their webpage, then have any mistakes.
What are the qualifications, in your book, for a sequel to a story? I'm not really sure. I guess that it's a number of things. First, the story has to have room for a sequel. There are many that simply don't require one, because there is nothing else to say. Even if they are immensely popular, stories like "Beneath The Surface", "Wishful Thinking", and "Someone For Me", are just one time stories. So the story has been told, the emotion has been conveyed in the writing, and a sequel would be pointless. What qualifies as a 'sequel-worthy' story? Anything that has characters who can live on through different situations, or has a storyline that can move beyond the original story. Sometimes, one time stories may turn into a series because I wasn't aware of the possibilities at the time. Like "A Class By Himself", or "To Be More Than Friends", or even "New Kid" itself. None of these were meant to be more than a single story, but they grew all on their own. So I guess a lot of it is left up to fate, and the rest is left up to inspiration. But I DO promise you one thing...I won't leave you hanging on a story if at all possible.
Do you talk to some people more than others? Sometimes, yes. It's not a matter of like or dislike, it's just that I keep an open communcation between myself and a few others. This does NOT mean that I think any less of anyone else. See, what happens is, I answer my emails out of order a lot (shorter emails first, longer ones later), and then people go and tell their online friends, "Hey, I got an email from Comsie", and if their friends haven't heard from me, their first instinct is to think that I'm angry with them or just don't care as much. Not true. I know most of the people that I talk to, and even if it's been ages since I've heard from you, I can easily recognize a familiar name or email address. It's not a popularity contest, I just answer when I can. Recently, that has been an impossible task, but I will try to keep everyone informed how far I'm behind from now on. So if you're on the mailing list, then I'll be adding it to the bottom from now on. How many I have left to answer, and the oldest dated email. K? Evidently, when the mailbox starts to get weighed down, a lot of emails don't get to me, and sometimes my replies don't get out either. I'll do what I can to keep it down. But if I have to put your email on hold, while answering some of the others, please don't take it personally.
The "New Kid In School" Trilogy... Okay, there are a lot of people who are still just finding the site, and of course weren't here when the series was being built a chapter at a time. Anyway, "New Kid" isn't just one story, it's actually THREE! It started as a little side joke in one story, to have Ryan and Randy appear, and it went over so well that I made the characters all a part of the series. So if you're ever reading the series, and wonder how Tyler suddenly ended up with two boyfriends, you can catch up with the story of 'Matt' and 'Sam' in "Arcade Junkie". And if you wanted to know more about the boy that Ryan was tutoring, and was later caught kissing in a bathroom, you can read more about 'Wil' and 'Tommy' in the story "Wil Power". Now comes the complicated part, hehehe. Okay...you can read the first chapters of "Wil Power" and "Arcade Junkie" anytime you want in the series. "Wil Power 2" takes place around "New Kid 13". "Arcade Junkie 2" takes place around "New Kid 12". "Arcade Junkie 3" takes place around "New Kid 21". If you read them in order, they should fill in some of the blanks. Ok? (I hope this makes some kind of sense) As for "Ryan's Heart", that is a seperate entity by itself. That is a stand alone story that is basically a reverse telling of the first chapter from Ryan's point of view. So don't read that as the last chapter. That's its own story, kewl? If you guys have any more questions, I'll try to answer them. If my memory still works. Hehehe!
How are things between you and Mike, now that you're out to him? Actually, things are EXTREMELY well between me and Mike! Thanks so much for asking! Hehehe! The truth is, he is very cool with it, but I don't think he's really comfortable talking about it too deeply yet. Right now, we can mention it, we can joke about it, and sometimes we can bring up a few serious questons here and there. But I can easily tell when he's trying to subtly change the subject, so I don't force it down his throat or anything. Hehehe! (No jokes you PERVS!) But this is almost exactly what I was hoping for. That we could still be cool, and that he wouldn't really focus on that part of my life, and turn me from being 'my friend' to 'my BISEXUAL friend'. You know what I mean? I don't want that to be the only thing we talk about or think about. I liked things the way they were, and I'm glad that they seem to be staying that way. One thing has changed though...he seems to be really mushy at times! Hahaha! Trust me, he can be caring, and sensitive...but NEVER mushy. It's a funny thing to see. I never get tired of it. :) Now...if only I can get him to see what I wrote on this site! LOL! If he were to read "New Kid", I can see him saying, "I remember that! Wait, is that Ariel from the BUS? Is that supposed to be Sam?" Hehehe, wild.
How do you feel about females reading your stories? I added this because I'm always surprised how many times I get asked this question. Hehehe! Believe me when I say that this is NOT a 'boys only' club. Women are MORE then welcome to join us in reading and posting on the message board and everything. You won't hear any complaints out of me! Women are HOT! :) Sorry fellas...but as smooth and beautiful and sexy as guys are...we will never be able to touch the soft sensuality of a lady. AND, they're better kissers (Which is a turn on for me). Just my opinion. OUCH! Quit throwing things! Hey! I like penises too! Owww! Hehehe! Hurry ladies! While they're aiming at me, run in and say hello!
What's with the pedophile thing? Let me explain something to everyone reading, the stories you read here, the emails you get from me, the message board, the 'Somebody, Somewhere' section, the quotes, and any kind of enjoyment that you can ever possibly get out of anything written here...was brought to you by the 'dirty, sick, little pedophile' that people would probably love to turn their nose up at. So, let me break this down into three parts so people can get an idea of where I'm coming from.
1) What it WAS -- When I was a freshman in high school, I was attracted to all of the freshman around me. Physically attracted, and yes, in a sexual way. By the time I was a senior, I was still attracted to some of the freshman in the same school. But I didn't think anything of it, because we had some mixed age classes, and they were still basically 'classmates'. To me...cute was cute, and that was that. I was 19 or 20 when I discovered that I was getting older, but my tastes were staying the same. I liked guys my own age, sometimes older, and girls too, but the attraction to those high school freshman remained strong. And YES, I walked around hating myself and thinking something was wrong and shed the tears and tried to examine my life to see where the 'disease' came from. So by calling me names, don't think you're coming up with some new self destructive criticism that I haven't already thought of yet. I know how to punish myself just fine, thank you. And I did, for a long time. But you know what? It's a part of me. Just like my eye color, hair color, height, and everything else. My taste in teenagers is like my taste in music, it won't just 'change' because someone else doesn't like it or see what *I* like about it. And I stopped wanting it to change a long time ago. What? You mean having sexual realations with someone under 18 is BAD? DUH!!! Gee, if I knew that it was 'wrong' I wouldn't feel this way. Here...let me just flick this 'pedophile' switch to the 'off' position! That'll solve everything and they'll let me join the Boy Scouts again! In fact, why don't I do the same thing with the 'gay' switch too so I can be viewed as someone who is worthy of the air he breathes.
2) What it IS -- Right now, I see the beauty in teenage males, and I won't apologize for that. Oh, because I find them attractive, that makes me a menace? No. That's like you picking up a sharp object in your own home, and having me bust in to convict you of murder! Not because you actually 'commited' the crime, but because you had the 'means' to. YES, I get hurt when I'm called names for something that I didn't do. I'm not sleeping around with any 6 year olds, k? You guys can go back to sleep now and not have nightmares of 'big bad Comsie' coming for your kids wearing a clown outfit. If you don't agree with my attractions, that's cool. I MORE than understand your point of view. But please, don't lecture me on being 'harmful' or 'sick' or a 'threat' to ANYBODY. Don't tell me about 'hiding anything away' or 'keeping my feelings locked up in a tight little box'. And don't judge me for who I am, or look down on me, thinking the negative reaction will somehow change me. It won't. No more than you telling me that hazel eyes are 'stupid' will make them magically change to brown. Let me remind you that these are GAY stories that you're reading. If you like guys, then think about how hard you have to struggle to love who you want to love, how 'sick' it looks to other people, and how you have no control over what you're attracted to. This is NO different. Know that...and back off. Anyone THAT opposed to me, is free to stop reading at any time. Because you probably wouldn't get it anyway. Adios. I wasn't attempting to say that it's ok to screw your neighbor's kids...I was just trying to be honest about my feelings. Nothing more.
3) What it WILL BE -- I have never laid a hand on a minor. I have never used any tricks to 'lure' them into bed with me over the internet. I am not handing out bags of candy to 4 year olds in the park. I don't plan to start any time soon. (do you know how much candy COSTS nowadays??? Hehehe) It's MY decision not to engage with anyone underage, and that's not coming from some twisted need to please ANYBODY in society who would claim the right to judge me for anything. What you guys have to understand is that my attraction to teens is NOT something 'scary' to anybody except maybe ME! I am NOT a predator, and don't appreciate being viewed as one! Do you guys even 'remotely' understand that? It's not like I'm some mindless zombie with no sense of self control for God's sake! If I liked vanilla ice cream, would that mean that I suddenly have to shove my face into EVERY single bucket of vanilla ice cream that I come across, no matter what I have to do to get it??? Does that make any sense? I know what I like, and I've come to accept that. But if you think for one second that I'm going to snatch the first 15 year old boy that I come across into a public restroom and brutally rape him with a gag over his mouth...then this whole fucking site was a waste of my goddamn time, because you guys don't know SHIT about me! READ the stories! READ the 'Somebody Somewhere' section! READ the rest of this 'About Me' page! READ the notes! Do I SOUND like a fucking unstable maniac rapist? Do I come off as some kind of perverted asshole who would go through all of this trouble just to find teenagers online and take advantage of them? I'm NOT writing all of these stories, setting up message boards, and answering all of these emails, just so I can trade kiddie porn with people and sexually molest the teens who come to view the content of this site. And if I was a teenager when this site was offered, I would be insulted by the idea of somebody keeping me from making my own decisions on who I am and what I like, based on the personal politics of ANYBODY who isn't me. So maybe, just MAYBE...*I'M* not the one with the 'sick' ideas around here! Because, despite what people may think of me, I'm hardly the monster you make me out to be without even knowing who I am. Now I should probably apologize for getting upset, huh? Well, let's see...where did I put that apology? Oh yeah, I remember...I wrote it down on a piece of paper, I rolled it up into a tight little column, and I shoved it right up my ass. :) Feel free to press your lips against it and use suction to get it out if you want it so badly! Hehehe!
The communication link... Hehehehe, ok...now I know that some of you guys live very 'private' lives and such, hell, I do too. And I know that identity is incredibly important. However, if anything goes wrong with the site, or if it goes down, or if something happens where I can't make an update... understand that there are only so many ways for me to reach you. If you're NOT on the mailing list, and you NEVER read the message board, and you NEVER go to the library, and you DON'T read the news page, and you DON'T check for my stories at Nifty, and you DON'T look at other sites for my new link, And you DON'T go to chats, and you NEVER email me or anyone from the Shack...then chances are that you'll be confused when something weird happens. Hehehe! I promise you, that I NEVER give out IP numbers, addresses, emails, real names, or anything like that. Whatever we talk about is completely confidential. I don't share intimate information with anybody. I don't allow anyone else to touch the mailing list but me. And I would never 'out' anybody publicly, or even mention their NAME, without their consent. So if you're really terrified of being discovered, please get a secret email address or something and join the mailing list or message boards or something so that I'll be able to communicate with you. K? Don't be scared, I'm not the boogey man! :) And the extra emails can clog things up sometimes. Ask around, I wouldn't disappear without telling SOMEBODY what happened.
How do you start a new story? That is, how do you come up with new ideas? Actually, every story that I have written so far has been a piece of me. A part of my life, or my past, or based on something or someone that I knew at one time in my life. I try to think of things that I haven't done before, and I try to think of things that no one else has done before in terms of storylines. Then, when an idea pops into my head, I write it down in my notebook and save it until I'm in the 'mood' to write it. (Which could be anywhere from a few hours, to a few weeks, to a few years!) Sometimes, I can write the first 10K or 20K in one sitting if there's something on my mind. I think that every story should reflect how I'm feeling at the time, otherwise it feels 'fake'. So you'll notice that sometimes the stories seem angrier if I'm stressed out. Or sad if I'm feeling down. Or goofy and giggly when I'm in a happy mood. But the writing has become my outlet and my personal therapy. I can use it to get my feelings out, to explain whatever emotions I'm experiencing at that very moment, and to share them with everyone reading. Some of the most touching and treasured emails I've ever gotten were from those people who told me that they can relate to the characters and the storylines. Because in some odd way, it lets me know that I'm not alone and never was. No matter how good or how bad I'm feeling, there is someone out there who understands. And I hope that by writing that story, I've done the same for them. I let them know that they aren't the only ones suffering through certain problems in their lives. And that's important when it comes to dealing with life's little kicks and bruises. Anyway...getting back on topic, I start new stories based on my current emotions. And if I don't feel it, I don't write it. So if you look carefully at the structure of the stories, you can tell when I'm happy, or when I'm sad, or hurt, or angry, or in love, or heartbroken, or just plain horny! Hehehe! You can tell by the words I use, or by the feeling that the story carries throughout. They are all experiences that I've had, might have, fear, or look forward to. Recently, a lot of those stories have been getting very deep into my past and into my feelings these days. They reflect who I am more than ever before, getting extremely close to the truth this summer, and I hope you guys can still enjoy them as 'fiction'. Even if it is a hybrid of both fantasy and reality.
The "C".... Okay, some folks are still completely clueless as to what the "C" is! Hehehe! Ok, for Valentine's Day, I was feeling really good! Just loving life and being happy. (We all need that in life every now and then) So I posted on the message board and in the mailing list a slight challenge. I mean, hey, I was curious! As I'm sure everyone else is! Anyway, I figured that there has to be a LOT of people who are reading this site, people who you guys probably see on a daily basis, and maybe even drool over, who are reading this site and feel just as alone or confused as you do. So...for the last two weeks of February, I asked everyone who reads this site, to use a marker, and put a visible letter "C" on the hand that they use to masturbate! Hehehe! Seriously! And a lot of people DID! The thing is, half of the people didn't do it on the first day, and some of the people who did, stopped after the first day! Hehehe, so a lot of possible 'connections' were missed. However, from my email and the message board, I counted a total of 8 sightings (two of them turned into dates of some kind). So there ARE others out there, trust me on that! I wore my 'symbol' every day, but didn't see any myself. (Of course, it's Chicago. So at the time, there were still a lot of people with long sleeves and gloves) But some people did see a few of them! So I plan to do it again for my birthday, and again for the site's anniversary! And if you're ever feeling lucky, try it out for a day. ANY day. Just use a marker and put a letter "C" on the back of your 'stroking' hand (Girl's too! DON'T pretend you don't do it! Hehehe!). I mean, nobody knows what it means except for the rest of us, right? So as long as you don't tell anyone what it means, you're cool. :) Make sure to look for "C" updates on the news page of this site, and just try it out for a week. There are other people who understand, people close to you. In your family, at the airport, at school, at work, on the bus, on the train, at your favorite hang out, maybe even your big crush! You never know if that boy you've been gazing at all day...might be wearing one too! Imagine the possibilities! :)
The 'living' website... One thing that I wanted to make clear for everyone who might be reading the site from update to update, and ask what's on my mind, is that this entire site is alive. It's a living, breathing, part of me. And with every single update, everything that I add represents something that I am going through as a person. If you look at some of the 'Right Now's', or the 'Quotes', or the stories themselves, you will see certain patterns in them. For example, I may add 50 quotes at one time, and 40 of those quotes might be extremely angry ones, or sad ones, or inspirational ones. And lumped together in little blocks here and there. That's not a mistake. It's what I'm feeling when I write them all down. It's like, I pick certain emotions and passages out of songs and books, that I never noticed before. When I'm feeling down, I might hear a sad song, and find a lyric or two that describes how I'm feeling. A lyric that I might not have paid particular attention to when I was in a happier mood. (Does that make sense?) Anyway, this site in general is my life told through many different perspectives. That's why I left the old "News" sections all in tact and archived for you guys to read. That's why I wrote the "Notes" section in the order that I wrote the stories. Because they represent a progression from who I was then, to who I am now. If my close friends in real life were to actually read this site, back to front, they would be able to figure out who I was easily. No matter how much I may try to keep a smile on my face, when it comes to this site, the pain and frustration will come through clearly if that's what I'm feeling. And vice versa. It's unavoidable, and far from invisible.
You really aren't good at taking compliments, are ya? Hehehehe! Well...it's not so much THAT really! I hope not! :) Honestly, I LOVE the compliments that you guys send to me! I sincerely enjoy and appreciate every word that you say. It feels so good to know that you guys are still with me and still reading. I guess the awkwardness comes from just not knowing exactly HOW to take compliments or how to respond. I used to tell some close online buds all the time when the site first opened that the compliments scared the hell out of me! Because I wasn't really used to that kind of praise from so many people at once. Seriously, it was weird, because I hadn't really done anything special to deserve it. I'm not saying that I'm annoyed or bothered by it, not at all, but I guess that I'm still a little shy when it comes to things like that. I grew up dodging mostly insults more than anything else, so it came as a bit of a shock to suddenly be smothered in love and attention in such overwhelming numbers. That's all. But please don't STOP! Hahaha! It really helps on bad days when the 'demons' are after me, believe me! :)
What ever happened to your German translated site? Actually, as far as I know, the German site is still in the works! I saw a prototype coverpage a long time ago, and it was absolutely magnificent! Not only that, but some beautiful illustrations were added to the stories as well (With a choice of viewing them or not while reading), and I was beyond pleased. From what I heard, I believe there was a problem getting their overseas server to host them due to content, and the site is no longer at the same address. However, the plans are still in effect, and even though it takes a long long loooong time to translate the stories into German, it will hopefully take shape in the 'not too distant' future.
What makes a quote worthy of posting for you? I love your selection! :) I add the quotes a little at the time, the list growing with every event that happens in my life. Especially during the hard times, because they seem to be endless during those moments. And even if the quotes aren't an 'exact' representation, the feelings behind them are what trigger a certain emotion inside of me. For example, I recently added a quote from Eminem that went:
"It's so easy for me to make enemies anymore it's sickening. People are LOOKING for an excuse to jump on my shit list. Stickin' their noses in shit that isn't none of their business! I never ASKED, cared, gave a FUCK, or wanted opinions! Now I'm in the position that I don't wanna be in, shit! I never had no beef with you corny son of a BITCHES! But now this shit is broken, I can't do nothing to fix it. So I'm telling you right now, mother FUCK a Limp Bizkut!"
I added this to demonstrate my ultimate frustration from being judged for my attraction for teens by a source that will remain nameless. It came from an award for my story "Gone From Daylight", and I was later called 'sick' by the same person who wanted to praise me only a few days before reading the site. Eminem directed this song to his enemy, I dedicated it to mine, and the quote demonstrated exactly what I felt like inside. Another quote of his that I used came from a time when I felt that my own message board had turned against me and was basically taken over by the people that I had once welcomed into it. That quote was:
"They managed to confiscate the pistol that I brandished, but my plan is to use this bullshit to my advantage! Shady stay creative baby, hold your head up, don't you let up one minute on these mother fucking suckers, you're a soldier! GET UP! STAND UP for what you believe in, long as you're BREATHING! They're JEALOUS of you man, that's the ONLY reason they're beefin'!"
The 'pistol' being the message board that was 'confiscated', and how I had to simply walk away from it and try to keep spreading the message the best way that I could without being beaten down by the people who refuse to show respect for the people who WANT to be here. I heard that song, and it came at just the right time, making me 'stay creative' and work even HARDER to write new stories and just believe in myself. Despite how many people tell me my attractions are 'wrong' or 'immoral'. This was a time to prove that I could remain strong, no matter how many times they tried to beat me down. I WILL survive as long as there are people out there who support my work.
All of the quotes are the same way. They all have a meaning for me, and they all explain something that I felt at the time or represent something that I was trying to survive. And many are simple lifelong truths that I believe in. Like I said above, the site really is alive, and I'm sharing a lot more than you think with every quote that I post.
Why are you STILL on Webtv??? Hehehe, ok...I know a lot of people joke and yell and scream and laugh at me because I am still working on a webtv instead of getting a computer! I KNOW, believe me! I know already! :) Let's see...how can I put this? Late at night, when I get online, I check my email. I answer a few here and there, I do some writing on whatever stories I'm 'feeling' at the time, I answer more email, maybe read a few news articles or do some net surfing, and then I go to sleep. (If I have time for porn, I 'partake' of some of that too! Hehehe!) Anyway, that is pretty much the extent of my online existence most of the time. That, and the occassional Saturday night chat when I'm around. ALL of these things, I can do easily on a webtv. This entire site, every word written, was done on a webtv. All of the emails, and the stories I've written and read over the last three years...has been done on a webtv. And nothing more.
Now I am totally aware that I can do a SHITLOAD of fancy stuff on a computer, I can save stuff, post stuff, look at BETTER porn, cds, discs, soundfiles, movie clips, webcams, ICQ, etc, etc, blah blah blah. So...why am I NOT in such a big hurry to get cracking on this? Because everything that I do online, I'm 'doing' it already. And it's taking up a lot of free time as it is. See, I know that a big expensive fancy schmancy computer can do all of this stuff faster and better and more efficently and to a greater degree of perfection. I don't doubt that. But you guys have to understand that, to ME, it's kind of like getting a 500 million dollar satellite with a high powered error free laser beam and top notch guidance system...just to cut a sandwich! You know? Sure it's bigger, and better, and faster, but by the time I figure out how to operate the fucking thing get all the equipment and gadgets and 'oohs' and 'ahhs' out of the way that I need for it to work right...I could have just gotten an simple everyday butter knife, cut the damn sandwich, and gotten it overwith! I won't lie, I've never been 'computer literate' at all, so unless I had an actual TUTOR right here beside me for the next few weeks to actually TEACH me what to do, what not to do, what buttons to press, what programs to download, what to do with viruses, what to do if my files get erased, how to upgrade it every month to keep from being obsolete, how to safeguard it, and how to maintain it constantly...Webtv will work just fine for me. And please...no long email-sent manuals on how to do it, because it's all just computer jargon to me. Trust me, I won't understand it. So...just read the stories and hush up! :P LOL!
"My Only Escape"... Since this story appeared on the site and at Nifty, I have received a lot of emails concerning its content, and exactly how close it came to real life for me. This WAS my life for quite some time growing up. The two main characters are fictional for the most part, but a lot of the stuff surrounding those characters is very real. For example, the best friend "Adam" was, and still is, one of my best friends ever. (Me, Adam, and Mike are basically the three musketteers whenever we're together all at once) And I would go over every morning and meet the rest of the gang for video games before school at his house. Sam would catch up to us and jump on our backs the same way too! Hehehe! (And yes, in real life, this is the same young blond Sam that I used for "New Kid" and "Arcade Junkie") Brody is a combination of some of the best childhood friends that I've ever had, some of the boys that I've fallen for in the past, and the people who helped me to survive the problems at home.
The father...? Very true as well. But to be honest, this story was much easier to write than I thought it would be. For the past year and a half to two years before posting this story, I have been putting it off. I guess they were demons that I didn't want to face just yet. So, instead of tackling the issue head on, I allowed certain parts of my past to slowly seep their way into many of my other stories little by little. Painfully so. For example, it really took a LOT to write the 20th and 21st chapters of "New Kid". And I became incredibly sensitive about the public's cry out for a 'happy ending' to the whole thing and asking me to keep the story light hearted because of the characters involved. I now understand the concern, but at the time, all I saw was the fact that I didn't have anyone rooting for MY 'happy ending' when I lived through it. It was almost like being jealous of my own characters for a while, because they had the support and love that I didn't get when I needed it most. I later added bits and pieces of my memories into the stories "Always", "Gone From Daylight", "Final Hour", and a few others. "Final Hour" was possibly one of the hardest stories that I ever had to write, and it took a lot of tears to actually get that out of my system for you guys to read. But...this story ("Escape") was the one that I was planning to write all along, and after putting it off for as long as possible, the task of facing the actual 'real-tme' abuse again wasn't hard at all. After building up to it for so long, and through the EXTREMELY cherished friendships that I've made online...this part of my life has gotten MUCH easier to deal with and explain. It seems so distant now, so unreal. And once I started to write about it, I began noticing little 'habits' that I was holding onto without even knowing it. (For example, even long after my father was gone, up until last year I think...I was STILL finding myself 'running home' after work. Always catching the first train back, always in a rush, even when I was going back out later. It never crossed my mind that I was still locked in the mindset that said "Be home, or else." It's a habit I'm breaking out of these days.) But as I have said many times before, if that ordeal is what made 'Comicality' possible, then it was worth it. And I wouldn't want to change a thing or be anyone else. Things have a reason, they have a purpose, and I'd like to believe that this was a part of all that. Not just some unfortunate occurrence that happened for no reason at all. I doubt anybody could change my mind about that. Besides, it keeps me showing those pearly whites! :D
Sorry if this is so long winded, hehehe, but you asked! :)
When are you online? I honestly don't have a specific time that I go online. But 90% of the time, I'm either out running around, on the phone, or involved in some other activity during 'normal hours'. That's kinda when real life is my main focus (Except for days when I'm dedicating myself to catching up with emails or writing). But...after midnight, or at like 2 or 3 am...that's when 'real life' fades away and things start getting quiet. Since I hardly ever sleep anyway, these late night hours are usually when I get online and spend quality time doing "Comicality" stuff. So if you're looking for me before midnight Chicago time, chances are you won't find me around. And if I am, then I'm probably working on something and will refuse to check my email until I'm finished with it. (I get easily tempted into email tag and chats! Hehehe! ::Gay Lisp:: Distractions, people!) So...THIS doesn't answer your question at all! LOL! But if you happen to catch me, cool. If not...um...cool. ::Shrugs:: Sorry.
I heard that you already had stories finished and ready to go. So WHY DON'T YOU POST THEM??? Ok, for every story that I write, there are a few things that I take into consideration before I just run and post it...
1) If my email situation is a bit out of whack, then I try to at least cut it in half before posting anything new. Simply because there is an increase in emails with every post. (Which I LOVE, by the way! So don't stop!)
2) Sometimes I take extra time to update some other parts of the site. Like "Quotes", "About Me" facts, "Links", whatever. Since I write the stories first, I put them on hold so I can finish everything up and have a more 'complete' update.
3) Time. Sometimes I really want and need for everything to be perfect and looking nice. That means double checking everything, last minute corrections, and seeing to it that JT has the free time to arrange it all. If I think one of those elements is going to be off, I'll wait a few days until everything lines up properly. I'm a psycho about perfection when it comes to this stuff, and even THEN I'm not happy. Timing is almost as important as content, and I'll be squirming if I post something that's not at least somewhat above average.
4) Sometimes I write two stories with similar themes or situations, or they mirror the same emotion that I'm feeling at the time. But I don't always want to 'edit' or 're-mold' one of them to seperate them. So sometimes, even if a story is finished, I'll wait until I write two or three more in between the two, and THEN post it. (Some of the ones I have were written quite a while ago. Which is why you might see me screw up and leave a 'studflower' or 'comicality.org' site address at the top by mistake)
Anyway, don't worry, they'll all get posted eventually. And I'll make them as close to perfection as I possibly can. I keep my stuff pretty secretive until then. I'd hate for people to see my stories looking like garbage. Bleccchhh!
Wilson... A few of you may know this already, but many don't. So I'm putting this here for you guys to read just so you know. The character of "Wilson" was actually never meant to be a recurring member of the "New Kid In School" cast. Only as a part of the two chapters that Randy spent in the hospital. But he went over SO well with you guys, I decided to bring him back once or twice for fun, and eventually got to love him all over again. :) So there he stays! Hehehe! The truth is that Wilson was a very real person indeed. He lived about two blocks away from me (Next to the penny candy store, no less!) and was a good friend of mine when I was about ten or eleven years old.
Now, I won't go too far into detail, simply because it's not something that I want people to focus on when they read the story. His character is meant to be lighthearted and fun, that's what I love about putting him into the series. But...the honest truth is that Wilson was actually involved in an accident long ago. The last time I saw him was about two weeks before that happened, and I was not 'allowed' to visit him at the hospital. My father forcd me, instead, to go on a trip with him out of town, with no discussion...and Wilson passed away shortly after I left. He is, in my memory, the first 'friend' that I have ever actually lost. The chapter where he first appeared was meant as a memorial. A tribute. So when you read it, and Wilson is talking about one of his close friends that never came to visit him in the hospital, but 'was there in spirit'...that was me. Like I said, it was meant to be a cameo, and nothing more, but I really do like adding him into the story. Hehehe, he was there when I saw my first PORNO movie for crying outloud! LOL! It was "Taboo II", and we watched it on my dad's betamax while he was away! Hahaha! I have nothing but good memories of him though, and paid tribute to him in my closing notes on the chapter (Which can be seen at Nifty. The opening and closing notes don't appear on the stories on my site), and it's important that Wilson's wild sense of freedom is what comes through when I write him into the story. Not the 'other' stuff. That's not what I would want you guys to think about. But I felt it was at least time to say something to let you all know.
The "Rainy Day Update".... Another popular question, mostly asked by people who are still finding this website, and weren't around for the second anniversary last year. What is it with the bike riding little red haired boy in more than one story? What is it with the rain? Well, you see, every year I try to do something to challenge everything that I've done before on the site. I try to grow above and beyond the writing that I've done up to that point. So...for the second anniversary of the site, I wrote a series of different stories that all take place on the same rainy night. And the "Rainy Day Update" was born. The stories included in this, are "On The Outside 2", "Someone For Me", "Opposite Reaction", "A Class By Himself 6", "New Kid In School: 29th Chapter", and "Final Hour". If you read these stories back to back, you will see how they're all related. How one event leads to another. How lightning always strikes at midnight. How it's always raining on Friday night. And of course...the little red haired boy...Cupid. :) Everytime he shows up, he has some effect on the story, and something happens to turn the series of events to 'love's favor'. So check it out! I think you'll like it if you read them all together!
The Eminem thing... A few people have asked whether or not I like Eminem's music, and how I could support someone who is so outrageously 'homophobic'. I will say this, I truly believe that Eminem is simply one of the most talented artists that rap music has right now. I admire his talent, his lyrics, his honesty about certain things. As far as his so-called 'homophobia'....hehehe, I'm not completely sure that he's straight. :) I'm serious. But, outside of that, I take it with a grain of salt. If anyone 'hates gay people', I doubt I would blame it on Eminem. This is MY personal opinion, and it's biased because it's only coming from my personal perspective of things. But I've never, and I mean NEVER, have been influenced by a song, artist, tv show, movie, or anything else, to do something that I thought was wrong. Never, not even when I was like 10 years old. I've never seen a Schwarzenegger flick and thought to myself, "I could probably shoot 100 people and not go to jail." Not once have I let something like that change who I am. So it's really hard for me to understand how anyone else could. To me, that's like saying that I made someone I work with 'gay' just because I talked to them about it. If you're gay, you're gay. I didn't do it. I know a lot of you may disagree with this philosophy, and that's cool. I can understand it. But I plan to spend extra time teaching my kids to think for themselves. Because if they're that easily influenced to do something so outrageously stupid, then something was wrong from the very beginning.
Also, I relate to Eminem in the way his thoughts and feelings are attacked at every given turn. When listening to some of his songs, I can honestly 'feel' his words fitting into my life. To be hated and judged and despised for speaking your mind. It's what I feel like when I get judged for the things on this site. When I get overworked or feel unappreciated. On days when email and the site and my stories get to be frustrating, one of the songs that MOST demonstrates how I feel is "The Way I Am" (Especially if you guys have access to the Marilyn Manson remix. Adds an edge to it). Especially the second verse...almost word for word. Right down to the part where he mentions his song 'Guilty Conscious', reminding me of my ONE 'man/teen' story on the site ("Nothing Wrong With Love"). Which got mixed responses, and kept me from ever writing another intergenerational story ever again. It's a part of me I'd rather keep to myself if it's going to come to such petty arguments about bullshit that neither I or they can EVER change about me. (FUCK you guys, by the way!) I suggest you guys download songs like "The Way I Am", or "Don't Approach Me" with Xzibit, or "My Words Are Weapons", or "Rock Bottom", where he really is talking about his life and the bullshit that surrounds him everyday. Don't just hear the word 'homophobic' and let people convince you that he's just some fanatic hate monger with nothing to say. Give some of the OTHER stuff a listen. Maybe you can connect to what he's saying too. His anger can be a release for me.
Bottom line, I'm not one to judge him on what he talks about. Most of the time, I'm laughing at half of it anyway. People can choose to take it as a joke or they can be offended. I can understand both sides of that theory. But he doesn't bother me. Afterall, I'm just as hated as he is for what I believe. And if you're on this site reading this right now...there is someone who hates YOU just as much without even knowing you. Think about what it feels like, and tell me you don't understand.
What is the one thing that you absolutely, totally, CAN'T live without? Besides sex and chocolate? Hmmmm! Hehehe! Actually, to be totally honest...it's music. It completely runs my life, I do everything to music. Write to music, excercise to music, walk to music, ride the train with music, always have a tape going in the car, listening to music as I type this as a matter of fact. I think that everything we do, every mood that we're in, has its own rythm. And if we can find those songs that fit our mood or rythm for a certain situation, it all just flows so smoothly. I can't stand silence. Not for more than a few seconds. I have my reasons, believe me. But it's made me a music addict. (Well over 1000 cds and counting!)
Are you still going to write and stuff for the movies? Aren't you afraid you're going to run out of ideas or something by putting so much on this website? Hehehe, never crossed my mind actually. I never think about it much, really. When I'm writing, it just comes out. I just let it go and it guides my hands to speak whatever is in my heart. The thought of running out of ideas never occurred to me, simply because I know that as long as I'm living I'll always have new stories to tell. Life influences me in so many ways, I think it's beautiful. So I take what I can from my experiences in life, and try to transform that and communicate it to anyone who's interested enough to read.
As for the movies, I still have a notebook FULL of ideas for that! And more pop up all the time, the same way that they do on this site. I'll just keep writing and writing until the well runs dry. And when it does...I guess I'll just have to make money as a male hooker! Hehehe!
I was wondering, what's changed about your writing since the first stories? There is an obvious difference.
Wow...um...lots! Ok, maybe I should answer with a LITTLE bit more than that, huh? I don't know, really. I think that I've gotten a little more personal with each story, and now I'm digging as deep into my own life as I possibly can to write what I write. They're just pieces of me that seem to seperate themselves from story to story. (If that makes sense) When I started, my writing was a reflection of what I saw at Nifty. I did it to please the people reading mostly, and I was trying to make it as sexy and erotic as I could without being 'trashy'. Back then, I wanted to really arouse people and make them feel a rush from my pent up sexual energy. Hehehe! But it's kinda different now a days. It's like...the stories are more a therapy for me than anything else. I just use them to work out the thoughts in my head, and deal with things that happen in my life. A lot of the things that happen to me in real life, just find their way into the lives of the characters in the story. I think that's why it takes me so long to finish one these days. Because I'll start a story when I'm feeling good, and then something will happen to make me feel down. So I'll start a different story. Then something will happen to make me angry, and I'll start ANOTHER one! But I'll write for a few hours and then save it and move on. And I don't come back to it until I feel sad/happy/angry/horny again. You know what I mean? Anyway, a lot of things have changed since the beginning. I don't ever use words like 'cock' anymore. Hehehe! And believe me, there are SO many times that I don't feel like thinking up a similar adjective! The stories have gotten much longer, and almost NONE of them are small enough for a 'one time' deal anymore. The sex isn't as prominent anymore either, not like before. Either the writing itself has matured, or I have. Whichever it is, a great deal of it came from this website. Because it allowed me to open up a bit more, meet some really good friends, and it allowed me to share some good memories and relive them all over again. I feel like I know myself even better than before, and I try to add that to the stories more for my own understanding instead of others. Hehehe, I'm kinda glad you asked because I really hadn't thought about it. Sorry I waited so long, but I wanted to save this question for the 100th story update. Thanks!
You said in your post on the library that you were really sensitive about your stories, and erased or discontinued some of them because of that. Which ones did you erase? Just curious.
You know, I used to be extremely sensitive about certain things when it came to my stories, but not everything. As far as everyday criticism is concerned, I always was the first to agree. Hehehe, like I said a billion times...I HATE most of my own stuff! But there have been a few things that touched a nerve here and there, and I've been known to take it harder than usual. The best example would be the chapters of "New Kid" dealing with Randy's father. Back then, it was an extremely EXTREMELY touchy subject for me to even hint at, much less write about in detail. And there were some comments on those chapters that told me to 'stop making it so sad' or to 'just make it all better' or whatever. But I took it to heart because this was a touchy part of my life and I couldn't take having it sugarcoated or discussed openly. You know? When I had to live through it, there was nobody making it all better for 'me', and having so many people trying to structure and guide my story to cover it up frustrated the shit out of me. (No offense to those people, by any means. It's just the mood I was in at the time) Long story, but I've learned to get past that. Some stories I spend a long long time on and just REALLY pour myself into, so it can be a bit frustrating to have it overlooked or criticized or sometimes they don't get any feedback at ALL (That's the WORST! Hahaha! It's like working for a week and then not getting a paycheck!). So, I'm getting used to it more and more all the time, and I just go out to make the best stories that I can write. ::Shrugs:: That's what matters most.
As for the stories that I erased and almost cancelled, hehehe, there were a few. "Saying I Do 2", "Lessons In Love 3", "Some Time Alone 2", "Magic Man", "Always", "Billy Chase", "Not Like The Others", a lot. In fact, the original version of "On The Outside" was erased because I didn't think it would be any good after a heated discussion about 'love vs. sex' in the stories on the Shack. I also erased "Making Contact" (Which has been re-written and will appear sometime soon), and "Wil Power 3" (Which I'm debating whether or not I want to write it or just add it to the "New Kid" series). All of the stories take the same amount of time and effort to put out, but they (naturally) don't all grab the same attention. Some get praised, some get blasted, some only work for a chosen group of people who understand it, and others just get lost in internet limbo somewhere and are never heard from again. Hehehe...if I told you all of the stories I have half finished, cancelled, erased, or unwritten because of my lack of confidence on certain things...you'd probably throw stones! Hehehe, so I'll just leave it at that for now. :)
The message board topics...
You guys might have noticed that the message board topics have returned to the Shack, and I'm glad to be posting them again. There was a long time that I didn't feel comfortable putting anything even remotely 'controversial' on the board because there were a lot of people that couldn't seperate a personal opinion from a personal attack. Some of the discussions turned into fights that raged on for a lot longer than they were worth, and somewhere underneath the insults and shouting and strongly worded posts that refused to let it go...the question itself got lost. The only things left were egos and pride and stubborness. So...what's changed, you ask? Who knows? But I want to have faith in my guests, and I wanted to try again. It's as simple as that. I want you guys to understand something. The questions that I make up for the message board aren't 'black or white' questions. They never have been. NONE of them have a simple 'yes or no' answer, or a 'right or wrong' answer. I choose them carefully, because I don't want to just ask a question that people are going to fight back and forth about. And I don't want to ask a question that is going to inspire some everyday knee-jerk reaction about right and wrong that society has brainwashed us into believing since the day we were born. I wanted people to go DEEPER than that. I want people to honestly reach into themselves, and think...maybe even find something out about themselves that they didn't know before because they never put themselves in that position. I want people to discover what it is that makes them feel what they feel, and what happens when their morals and values are tested by a situation where circumstances are different. To me, THOSE are the questions inspire personal growth. I wanted the answers to be as individual and seperate as there are people for the board. So that each and every single person had a different answer, and we could all learn from that without bias. If I asked some political question about a certain party...then of COURSE all of the Democrats would jump on one side and the Republicans on the other, and armies are built, and nobody wants to be wrong...fight fight fight. The questions aren't ABOUT building armies or convincing anybody of ANYTHING. It's about looking at your feelings, your life, your ideas, your experiences...and sharing it with other people who, hopefully, respect you enough to accept your opinion even when they don't agree. It's the same as me asking you for your name. You tell me, and everyone has a different answer, and you're not 'wrong' for having that name nor can I forcefully tell you to change it. I think if people keep a certain flexibility in their thinking instead of barking out rules for other people to follow, or can simply state their opinion without feeling like they have to force it or defend it at every turn, the message board will become an incredible place that's rich with expression and wisdom. A place where people can really discover who they are, as opposed to who they're 'supposed' to be or who they're 'told' to be. Ok? You have every right to be for or against anything that we discuss there...but so does everybody else. I'd love to believe that it's a concept not too far out of the world's reach.
This page was last updated on February 11, 2016.